Have A Good Day, Fearless Leader!

Maybe they’ll realize your financial expertise costs too much and earns less than dumb index funds

I hope other clients find a simple legal form on the web & save $1500 avoiding your phony services

May they back out of that big deal after discovering your greedy omissions concerning the property

With a little luck they’ll uncover another extramarital affair and finally be able to get you voted out

It could be today that the IRS ends the faith-based con with which you finance your opulent lifestyle

I ask your god that a security camera catch you lustily fondling yet another frightened new choirboy

I can only hope that one of your over-ambitious underlings will rat out your corporate connivance

It’d be so bad if more email proving you knew everything & you lied got leaked by some geeky minion

It’d be nice to hear that your spoiled kid was arrested for drugs again - despite your TV editorializing

Was cheered hearing the tale of how your son rear-ended an SUV while texting his vapid little friends

Gosh, it’s too bad that they caught you plagiarizing your speeches…but for the third time in a year?

Feel so sad that now you cant avoid the media attention you strove so hard to get, all your pushy life

Like to see another hipster snicker snarkily and walk out on your tiredly-rigged car sales charade

May your mother get into futures trading and your sister buy the funds you created to hedge against

Wish I was there when you finally realize this is The New Normal and not just The Great Recession

So sorry to hear that your vitriolic right-wing rants were the product of your addiction to pain killers

Good luck with embracing diversity through curing gays, expelling illegals and demanding voter IDs

Keep up the planet-saving work to get us all to starve locally, stop driving and not heating our homes

Sorry to hear you corrupted your latest MSProject file right before your 0s0 important status meeting

Too bad your handicapped, gay woman of color boss is just a clueless, tenured but quota-filling bytch

Its very sad that you have to work even though you have such a bad hangover after another Big Game

What a shame they know you were just lying – You did not misspeak AND you were not misunderstood

Glad to hear you lost a suit for botching a golf-hurried, Mommie Makeover that you would not refund

Congratulations on achieving stardom and then turning into a fat, perverted & bankrupt drug addict

Pity that you’re braindead after years making millions smashing into other foopbawl juicers in tights

I fondly imagine you in yer ignorant-loud, jacked-up pickup headed out to where the jobs are -Texas!

Here’s to your coveted 18-49 year olds laughingly dissing your so 20^th century attempts to court them

We anxiously await for you 1%ers to pay as high a tax rate as your disappearing middle-class footmen

I’m so sorry your proud ignorance disqualifies you for the good jobs any chinese peasant could handle

It’s such a shame that your loud, apartment cowboy lifestyle pickup got repoed: Right outside the bar

What a good feeling to see that trooper write you up after you blasted past me yelling into yr cell

Wow, so your darling little girl snuck out and got a spike put in her tongue? My heartfelt condolences

EYuck! Cant stand how your once-conceited 17 y/o blond ass turned so fat, wrinkled & sun-damaged

It was a shame that your 11 y/o boy got paralyzed driving your souped-up ATV - without any helmet

It would hurt me to hear that your disability claim was denied even tho you always voted Republican

Hope to be around when your too big to fail finally turns into too costly to bail and you go to jail

Real Slow ‘Merican Decay

Shyte aint gonna blow up like in yer hollywood blockbusters, civilizations gunna just slowly fade away

Ya wont have ta take the pickup out ta the woods with guns blazin - yu’ll just wither in yer apartmint

Gov’t healthcare death panels aint gonna cum fer gramaw - She’ll just lay there, out of it - fer years

The librals wont get ta give over our precious sovernty ta that atheistic, commonistic UN b4 you go

The roads’ll just slowly get worse and we’ll start boilin our drinkin water and heatin with wood again

The dam vaccinations was just killin off our darlin children enaway, so good-gubye ta that conspiracy

The whtever lektrik grid’ll just slowly shrivel til thers maybe 4 hrs service/day and then only in town

Timesavin chinese household goods wont be so easy ta cum by what with the failin transport network

You proly wont be goin out ta eat 10er12 times a week anymore as yer buyin power is rampin down

They’ll be wheelin you outta the ER without near as much free treatment as you was used ta gettin

Hey, there’ll still be good ole foopawl on the big screen, but you won’t be buyin no latest Samstung

Relax, it aint gonna be no massive catastrophe changin the Entire world like overnight or somethin

Yeah, yer teeth’ll slowly hurt worse and worse, but you’ll stay used to that, what with good old Oxy

And the old ladys growths from the tanning booth…they’ll just keep getting bigger, redder and uglier

Cataracts’ll slowly make stuff looks dim and blurry and stronger readin glasses won’t helpya at all

Meanwhile, yer hypertension, atherosclerosis, diabetes, obesity & COPD will all just silently increase

CorProAg will slowly but very surely poison our bountiful soil even as they destroy its fertility as well

Illiterate illegals and non-english speakin overbreeders will stealthily suk us down into the 3^rd-world

Relax, it’ll be years for your children blame their hopeless situation on your sloth, greed & ignorance

Yup, you can proudly shout ‘This is ThE greatest country on the planet:USA,USA,USA!’ fer awhile yet

Them black helicopturs wont allsudden show up over yer house at nite, at least not for the time bein

Risin sea levels aint gonna take out yer dad’s condo down in flarida overnite er nothin

Tho yer taxes will raise up faster than inflation, yer entitlements will actually shrink, year after year

Political lies will have to keep on getting bigger to cover the reality gap, but it’s a real slow process

We wont be able to afford food inspectors but industry self-regelation will surely keep us pretty OK

Them weathr and GPS satellites will slowly wink out but you’ll still have cell service for quite a while

Yet, freedom loving patriots can smile cuz that jobkillin EPA will simply hafta be cut: Year after year

Oh, but you’ll hear lotsa teeth gnashin over possible smaller increases to our sacred dEfense budget

Slowly, real slowly youll lose yer ATVs, Jetskis, snowmachines, dirt bikes & giant pickups ta crediters

No worries yet, it’ll be a while for it hurts justa get outta bed even after a rare good nite’s sleep

They’ll keep the family in burger fer years by usin formerly non-edible portionsa cow carcasses

Your medicare aint gonna be canceled tomorra but one day you won’t find no doctors who accept it

You can keep on fightin that climate change by twistin yer coal-fired thermostat fer years ta come

And, yup, we’ll still have more nukes, land mines & chemical weapons than allathem ferin heathens

Them toxic wastes aint gonna kill us off even though they will keep on slowly buildin up insidea us

But, one thing that aint never gonna change is ur faith & trust in the absolute trutha that Good Book

We Got No Need Fer Fekin Readin

1 of 7 American adults find anything more advanced than children’s books to be very challenging – nces.ed.gov, 2009.

Lissen, I got no need ta read cuz I gotta smartphone ta look up any kinda stuff I gotta know about

The register makes change for me at my job so WTF do I need to know how to do like math for

Hey, spellin just aint importent in this modern world were tweetin on thru

Oh, right, like I might need ta read subtitles on some boring and stupid forin movie

Proud ta say we don’t own nonea them useless books, cept the King James – not emen a checkbook

Well, just what would I read anyways, some wack liberal NYTimes or NPR government fake news?

No sir, ta keep up ta date on them libral schemes, we’ll jest keep her locked right here on the Fox

Like I munna sedown and read that 15 page legal docament contract ta my iPhone: Nobody else does

Yup, we signed that mortgage - but it was all jest a packa legal lies and fraud we dinit really get

But there aint nonea that fineprint in the bible so all that’s just the devil’s handiwork ta be ignored

You just ax anybody, them sientists is a buncha sissy geeks whatre so way outta touch with reality

But I got thousandsa sports satistcs regardin my belovd home team right up here & at my fingertips

Ta me, litercy today means knowin how ta runa touch screen and such

And everbody knows ya sure don’t need yearsa schoolin ta sort out the hogwash comin outta google

That is, my criticel thinkin skeels don’t rely on some backbonea school book learnin ta work right

Look, you just back off, I can read any restrint menu I might actually want to…

So, ya see it jest aint important to are lifestyle if my kids test out behind like them whateffin Finns

But I’ll be happy ta swap soundbites with them yella-belly librels - or small arms fire fer that matter

The real men I watch in HD don’t set there readin and shit, they bend down in tights and get after it

And as fer writin - now just what on god’s green earth is that supposed ta actuelly be for?

You can take yer grammer, spellin and whatever punktuation and u just go see how far it gets u

After all, too much lernin jest destroys a guys good god-given common sense, aint ya seen?

Enaways, I got an app that’ll read eny stuff I really need - right out loud ta me

Really, getting us ta read all the time is jest one waya gettin our attention offa ther socialist plots

I don’t hafta like like do the math on my job and they aint payin me ta read no gotdam books, ether

Hey I can read the numbers on my Lotto tickets good enough to know that it’s better luck next time

And who really gives a shit about them whatever hunrert or so ingreedints in abaga Doritas, anyway?

Watchin shit blow up in HD is way more stimulatin than settin all quiet in some corner just readin

Enaways, if you caint get it ta fit it inta a 30 second soundbite you aready lost my attintion

Alla them collige gradu8ts workin over ta that elitist Starbucks aint needin ta read nothin, so there

And ya know, it aint plitically correct or HUD-Approved ta favor bookworms over us common folks

Readins just about as importent as stuff like that BS recicling, and theyll hafta pay me ta do that too

Hey they aint denyin unqualified LBGT, handycapped wimmen acolor promotions cuz theys illiterate

Now look, Don’t ya think if readin was so dam vital that I’d already know about it?

Busides, alla them installation instructions was translated by hindis from whatever chinese nonsense

Enaway, I really caint make out anya them little-teeny squiggles and I caint afford no gotdam glasses

Heaven On Earth for Fox and Friends

How it could be, out from under their fredom smotherin elitist conspearacy

Everbodyd be fingerin concealed weapons in all public places, lookin out ta pincushion some shootr

That overreachin EPA’d be jest a bad memory that caint hobble our blessed family lifestyles no more

You wutnt never hear no more fool harpin on the fictshunal evilsa doublemeat bacon cheeseburgers

Gas’d be an affordable $2 a gallon like it rightly auter be in a truly freed-up dumestic energy market

Foopball would last all year long and we won’t be dippin no brocolli or carrots with our Doritas

Government wouldn’t be subsidizin wimpy hybrids over gutsy diesel family pickups no way - no more

We’d give back stolen federal lands ta the people – big oil, real estate men and ATV adventurers

Alla our leaders’d make big decisions, like destroyin them islamic fanatics, with ther saviours counsel

We’d swap out their elementary school hands-on sex-ed manuals fer copysa school prayers & bibles

A free, unObamacared marketplace would see ta the healtha all our people, with utmost efficiency

Wacko protesters against such as mountain top removal coal mining would be given firehose therapy

Dope smokers’d be pilloried nexta neighborhood bars tabe spit on or kicked by patriotic alcoholics

Boys, that NPR & PBS’d be shutdown faster than you kin spout a single Fair and Balanced soundbite

We’d hustle the US outta that lame one world UN and get it way the hell outta this fair land of ours

Our borders would be secured but employers could still mistreat and cheat throwaway illegal workers

The gument’d get right outta the binessa species preservation, pollution control & CO2 nonsense

Alla them moochers’d be shoved off welfare, disablility, unemployment, food stamps & medicaid

No more ragging BS gov’t ads about cholesterol, diabetes, obesity, exercise or blood pressure

Bush & Cheney’d be right up there, on Mt Rushmore with Reagan and Trump and them other heroes

We’d sure enough end that lameass reinterduction and kill alla them shittin wolves & grizzlies – agin!

All of us’d get free rEfIs with lowered principal and interest rates sos we kin tap some more equity

Them spotted owls, blind desert pupfish and such crap would hafta adapt ta progress or move out

That sin of sodomy would be treated just like the bible says it should – without no medical benefits

We’ll all be filled with ignorant pride parrotin canned soundbites and forwardin unquestioned tweets

Heroic CEOS’ll bring in them good-payin jobsa tomorrow which they promised when they offshored us

We’ll all be kickin global warmin ass just by adjustin down our patriotically coal-fired A/C units

Our dEfense would finally be rebuilt after decades of cowardly peacenik liberal decimation

Alla them minorties would finally see how ther innerests line rite up with old white republican men

They’d be no more talk regardin the rightsa souless cows, pigs & chickens ta whatever like dignity

That silly reciclying nonsense would surely be just a funny memory, same as them lame snowflakes

Everbody will agree that there organic crap was just a spensiv, bad-tasting, not-too-nutritious scam

We’ll all recognize that clean water, air and shit are god-given rights that don’t need no regelatin

That Arab obama would not only be known as the worst president but he’ll still be in jail fer treason

Wouldn’t have ta worry bout them traiterous socialists getting they hands on our medicare no more

Wont hear no more talk about raisin taxes on the brave entrepeenurs who create the jobs fer alla us

Private inerprize’ll build any new roads, bridges, waterworks, sewers and such what we may need

Keepin Our Priorities Straight

Today, the country pays the price for the left-wing ideologies that ran rampant in the 20th century – The American Conservative

Not wastin no funds like rebildin old bridges, failin sewers, bad roads, lektrik grids & water supplies

Gotta shove them illegales back without no amnesty but I sure aint gonna go pick that gotdam brocolli

Aint inerested in hearin about like shattered ecasystems cause they ain’t hurt me none at all

But orchestrated celebrity wardrobe malfunctions are definitely worth menshinin…quite often

Not even gonna consider their wacko BS bout some looming global fresh water shortage craptrap

Now, the threata gun control…That’s somethin we always gotta be perpetchile on alert for

You can jest STF-up yer fact-fudgin, elitist, global warmin power grab, ya traitrus libral snowflakes

But we do need ta hurryup & get them moochers off medicaid, unemploymint, foodstamps & disabilty

CorproAg dead soil, antibiotics, fertilizer & pesticide abuse, GMOs & water waste are jest irrevelent

Now then, let’s set down and talk foopbawl stats - and ax me how my fantasy league picks are doin

Yr bogus human-caused mass estintion is bout as critical ta me as the bugs smashed on my winshield

More importntly, I’m busy decidin shud I buy a new jetski, snowmachine, ATV, RV or a dirtbike next

The dignitya factory meat and the proper treatment of ther wastes aint no parta my buyin decisions

Damn straight we gotta stop teachin this unproven evilution over god’s absulute lawr of creationism

Aint no fairytale NewAge sustainabilly dopesmoke gonna affect my next vote, none at all, whatsoever

I do wanna know when them good jobsa tamarra they promised when they offshored us are comin in

Unending goverment shutdown crises are gonna earn us some real political victerys real soon now

Busides, the most important thing is ta make sure our libral enemies don’t get nethin done at all

We’ll take viralized soundbites over their shady and twisted so-called scientific satistics, anytime

Its vital ta spend more time studyin cell plans & credit card rates than on boring like retirement plans

I aint doin that wack reciclin crap unlest and until they start paying me ta do it - like they shud

Them quiet overpriced habrids are fer them meterosexuls and such. Me & my Ram-tough hemi rule.

That big shit called the Dead Spot the Mississippi takes with our toxins in the Guf aint on my radar

Leaders gotta talkta ther personal saviors when makin such decsions as liberatin them evil califates

The healtha this country aint measured by the cunditiona them convenient sewers, AKA our rivers

Everbudy knows that like GDP and the Unemployment numbers are the real measuresa our progress

Mountain top removal and power plant mercury emissions aint rightly parta any bill fer coal-fired A/C

Chicken crap from squeezed producers that’s killin chesapeake bay oysters don’t even matter to me

Jest cuz u caint go swimmin or eat the fish yer kids catch aint no reason ta get all like preturbed

Keepin in mind that this overpopelation myth flys right in the facea gods order ta go out and multiply

Gotta get ridda socialist entitlements cuz they just stimulat them multi-generational welfare queens

We got no use fer this dam obamacare cuz we already get our healtcare fer free - Down to the ER!

Absulutly hafta get the gumint outta our biness but sniffin at all them emails, tweets & shit: A-OK!

It’s a sure thing that if it takes a collige dugree ta read it, it just aint worth knowin about enaway

Don need no gov’t nannyin on what ta eat and specially not ther lame meddlin junk about exercisin

Jest keep them 12 candy, salty snack & frozen treat aisles…and get that freerange shit outta my way

Misguided Socialist Complaints:SAD!

    “I am telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder” - Matthew 5:22
That fat, lazy Texan smoking in his oversize truck with the windows up in the grocery store fire lane

The jetskis, snowmobiles, ATVs, jeeps and dirtbikes behind fatass RVs with hot tubs and generators

Some useless former actor-politician pimping seniors reverse mortgage scams with a con artist smile

That libertarian free speecher with his truck window decal showing himself pissing on our President

Those so terribly clever sales tactics silently decreasing sizes 20%, but not yet raising the price

Congress and the president taking August off as well as only working 2.5 days/wk with job security

The fact that Bush will soon be a hero notwithstanding all their so-stupid lies and so many deaths

Another clueless redneck spraying 150 decibels out the jacked up giant pickup he can’t even afford

All those stories you don’t see anywhere else and all those you’ll never see on the Fair and Balanced

Bribed opinion leaders trusting only in Jeeesus, smugly certain that climate change science is a scam

Programmed talking heads whose continued employment hinges totally on their pissing people off

A corporate stock rising and its furtive CEO’s bonus increasing - On the great news of more big layoffs

Hearing for 20 minutes that “your call is very important to us, please stay on the line for the next...”

Having that nice person say they don’t make the rules - and that nobody you can talk to does, either

Ram-tough truck owners who struggle just to get up off the couch to fetch more Cheetos and beer

Angry illiterates ready to bomb the shit out of people and places they can’t spell or find on a map

Seeing lower class whites vote for their republican outsourcers who view them as entitled moochers

Paying $100 a month for the 2 channels the kids watch 15 minutes a day but keep on on 24x7

Spending months playing gov’t shutdown brinksmanship while everything else remains totally ignored

Government forced into spanish by slimy politicians just looking for votes: Europeans never got that

A narrow focus on GDP and Employment %s over the natural systems that foster their very existence

Reading daily new reports about the current man-made mass extinction that enables our progress

Seeing that the only action on climate change is to slice up the thawed arctic for resource extraction

Corpros draining ancient aquifiers for free and letting it mostly evaporate, sprayed into the hot wind

Those whose incessant, mindless mantra is “The US is ThE Greatest Country on Earth, USA-USA-USA!”

Hearing cretins who can’t read menus spout ‘Only Here can you get rich by yer own hard work alone’

Being told over and over again that competition gives us ThE finest healthcare system on thE planet

The certainty that our constitution is the holy grail, handed down to our forefathers by almighty god

Having a responsibility to babysit the Muslim world while everbody else just sits back and criticizes

65 year old, part-time doctors “earning” $200k a year with full benefits whose patients make $8/hr

Falsely trumpeting expiration of tax cuts for their 1% donors as ThE largest tax increase in history

The zero-sum game of replacing a good old boy network with various minority empowerment groups

The Catholics refusing to ordain women while coddling pedophiles and dressing oh, so openly gay

SUVs & P/Us idling obesely in drivethrus for that arterial sludge AKA bacon-double-cheeseburgers

Ruggedly independent welfare ranchers decimating federal wetlands and demanding predator control

Leadership that consists of wearing suits and reading speeches tuned for the latest voter opinion poll

White Men To The Rear

Sir excuse me, Sir! could you please not be so loud? It makes us all so nervous we simply cannot think

You must learn to give equal opportunity so we can take our fair places, so, you just get to the back

Wait, wait, wait – Is that a handicapped non-veteran back there? Send him up if he’s vegan and quiet

Gays step forward, you’re coming up front with us - to remake the world in a more fashionable image

We don’t need to work 60 hr weeks to get ahead for we must attain a balanced life with equal pay

No, you dont get disability just cuz as a kid they always drugged you up ta make ya stay still in school

GaHead just ride off into the sunset with a 6Pack in ur ram tough truck - and dont bother comin back

Yeah, you better find meaning on yer Harley cuz you aint gonna get no satisfaction at work no more

You been in charge too long so you must just graciously step down…into impoverished minority status

Your good old boy network is racist and sexist, unlike empowerment groups for women, gays & blacks

Anyway, you do know damn well real men don’t go and whine at like whatever girly support meetings

Maybe that loud and doltish pride in your virgin ignorance will keep seeing you thru…or maybe not

You better start developing some kind of a handicap to ensure your place in our brave new workforce

After all, you cant pass the physical, mental or drug tests required to serve in our great armed forces

No, no! - Your obesity, high blood pressure and cholesterol don’t count towards our handicap quota

There’s no money to retrain you cause we gotta teach english to your amnestied illegal replacements

You aint never been victimsa prejudice so thers no reason ta create new entitlement programs faya

And don’t you go try startin white men only like awareness groups or such you neo-nazi monsters

Better start takin classes in metrosexuality sos you can communicate properly with yer new superiors

You can sleep well knowing you contribute to social equality - By givin up a decent standard of living

You’re right - Taking on college debt would be a bad investment because you’ll be hired the very last

Yes, you must pay child support & lifetime alimony even though she makes way more than you do

You’ll be the last ones to get affordable dental care but you’ll always be on your own for your eyes

By the way, keep yer nasty football viewing habit to yourselves and out of polite office conversations

Get used ta suckin up ta bored, fat and feisty womenAcolor government welfare administrators

Don’t even think about goin on some shootin rampage, just put that gun in yer own mouth, in silence

No, we don’t want no novels depicting empty struggles after yer fall from an entitled redneck grace

Sure, you can still vote, gahead: Choose any from our progressive slate of truly entitled minorities

You done lazed, drank and swilled yerselves sick and now a loud and arrogant pride is all you got left

You been outbred and outhustled by unending wavesa job-stealin immigrints and single mothers

You stay with the Fox ta make outraged soundbite sensea this corrupt and unfairly rigged new system

Hey, Look - ya still got yer personal savior who kin explain alla them overcomplicated issues taya

Better get used ta findin meanin in housecleanin and satisfaction from coupon clippin & kid schleppin

Learn not to get mad when yer ignored, rejected, forgotten, blown off, put down and laughed at

Realize that yer kids start off behind but then wont get the chances that others just take for granted

Best you adopt that victim mentality and pick up on the pro-moocher mindset…just sos ta get by

It Aint Always Easy Ta Ignore Them Socshylists

You dont just jump inta like editorials or them op-eds after readin only fastfood menus fer years

Not gonna go dumbass exercisin ever day cuz its sweaty, boring and I aint got the time ta waste on it

They’re sayin my tastes will change from bacon & cheese to brocolli & tofu, but I sure aint seein that

It aint easy ta accept any doubt in my life after christ has answered everona my questions fer so long

Not at all convinced I shud give up my ramtuf Hemi fa them elitist global warmin conspiracy mongers

They just don’t get that if we all carried weapons we could end ever shootin rampage real quick

We’re just tryin ta get by, but their job-killing socialist agenda is costin us all ahole lotta money

Caint even swaller their lies about the st00pid school test scoresa them whatever roomanian loosers

We sure do deserve some real relief from them defraudin credit card and lyin homeloan companies

I gotta struggle jest ta keep my head straight what with bein insida this vast liberal media centrifuge

Tryin ta save fer our golden years, but with 0% inerest on savins we figgered gold was the way to go

We got problems with government sniffin our tweets but god is welcome to our innermost thoughts

It wadnt easy ta balance work and family life so now I’m tempin and livin in another blended family

It really hurts fallin outta the middle class - lucky we still got 3 credit cards ta keep the dream alive

It’s gettin so a guy caint hardly afford jetskis, snowmachines, harleys or a new pickup ever 2 years

Theyre still buggin us ta recicle but that aint eny parta my pursuita happiness or personal freedom

Nope, cant get them dirty Arabs ta see the truthta them Traditional Family Values that we export

You ever try ta lose weight, lower yer bloodpressure, watch the sugar and yer colesteral all at onct?

Its difficult ta bloom under the weighta that failed socialist agenda they keep shovelin up ontoppa us

It aint easy ta watch em smother our heroic enterpeenurs under ever more taxes and fool regelations

Cant even find a decent barista job much less start payin off my mountain of worthless college loans

Its getting harder ta realize our divinely-granted exceptionist role given our ongoing economic woes

Strugglin ta hold out til the good new jobs they promised us when they outsourced us finally get here

It’s tuf ta get Disability after yer Unemployment runs out and you still got 15 years til Social Security

It aint easy ta find time ta cook family meals so we mostly set down ta Mac&Cheese or MickieD’s

Tryin ta push back on the moochers who got so badly addicted ta them corrupt socialist entitlements

Keepin up with the $350/mo fer cable, cell & internet is still hard even without eye & dental care

How you think it feels ta not have the caish ta fix the new ATV my kid smashed up last summer?

We’re swimmin real hard against a flooda muddy propaganda from the leftwing fakenews conspiracy

Yessir, we’re strugglin heroically against those tryin ta rob us of our sacred right ta bear firearms

Havin ta fight hard everday ta stay fer free in our unfairly underwater home…fer the last 3½ years!

Its getting more difficult ta blow off alla them untruths regardin overeatin, drinkin and couch surfin

Havin ta ignore more and more dumbass internationalist liars regardin our falling standarda living

How’d u lieta hafta look at yer once little darlins layin round covered with creepy tattoos & piercins?

Its like a full time job ta juggle credit card balances around sos ya pay under 30% inerest ever month

It aint easy ta keep stoppin ta smell them roses while still goin fer the gusto and like livin fer taday

Vapidly Miraculous Despoilers

    “We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think that it is forever.” – Carl Sagan

100 trillion living cells in every amazing human body but he’s fixated on beer and next Friday night

Beautiful clouds and unimaginably faroff stars overhead yet shes focuses strictly on how fat she looks

There’s this gentle rain on a velvet night and we just squawk over some vapid reality show or another

That wondrous clotting cascade stops our bleeding, even as we suffocate in a sea of puerile tweets

That bio-electro cardiac miracle sustains us, though we mindlessly clog it with a factory food sludge

A marvel of evolutionary adaptation attending only to his clean pickup, upskirts and getting off work

Billions of neuronal connections process football gangstas in sexy tights smashing into each other

Our most gifted toiling only to create new methods of mass destruction for the inevitable next war

Esteemed and honored legislators blindly minding voter polls as they sales-emote canned soundbites

The Best and Brightest self-reduced to ginning complex but flawed algorithms for greedy bankers

Working and scheming 80 hours a week just to leverage an even more hyper-ostentatious McMansion

The incredible tech that forces long lives of exemplary courage upon those otherwise already dead

That gruesomely fascinating Gulf dead spot the size of Massachusetts at the anus we call NewOrleans

Pondering the incredible high-speed tech that allows us to stream kitty videos in HD - as we drive

The wonder of our 250 cable satellite channels out of which 2 blare 24x7 at nobody, for $200/month

There’s that new hi-tech surgical procedure that added several weeks to Mom’s life for only $196,500

Behold vast, complex conglomerates: Laser-focused on more profitably pushing sugar, fat and salt

As we destroy natural systems making life possible, we obsess over immaterial & petty social issues

Physicists sense 14 billion y/o events as we cling to the faded, dusty frills of long irrelevant religions

Millions of drunken sperm pursue another unwed teen’s miracle egg into multi-generational poverty

Hot wind wastes a momentary rainbow of million year old fossil water over BigAg GMO crop circles

Small brown men with large chainsaws deconstruct the climax rain forest, one ancient tree at a time

Unforeseen and toxic reactions amongst thousands of industrial chemicals occur – Inside our bodies

Meticulous and understated scientific research is satirically dismissed by amoral industry lobbyists

A massively-expensive creative force exists to push 10 mpg Ram Tough Hemis on apartment cowboys

Lawyers spend years mastering legal intricacies merely to act as parasites fighting over injured hosts

The state of the entire planet and its people simplified to poorly-estimated GDP & unemployment %s

The wonderwork of cosmology overshadowed by dusty and archaic religions based upon stale dogmas

Metaphysics ground and chunked into greasy 140 character bites, all of a wet pet food consistency

Spinning with the earth, orbiting the sun around the Milky Way, but dwelling only upon office slights

Adroitly and constantly ignoring the onrushing eternal and infinite void to which we all must return

Happily parroting movie lines, ad jingles and sports stats to each other to cover the terrifying silence

Cloaked in chinese cosmetics and clothes, her carefully died blond life justifies our boys sacrifices

Remote sensing comfort or profit, these marvels of evolutionary success roam the suburban steppes

Rainbow-hued pools of toxic chemicals hypnotize passing children, safe in their mother’s SUV pouch

The vapid tries to smother the wondrous, striving to defy the cosmos: With a loud & proud ignorance

That Whatever Nonsense Recompense

    That which compensates for an injury…

Useless desert fish, tiny spotted owls and ugly boreal toads wont be winning any damages, not ever

For courts have held that jobs and money trump the natural infrastructure that allows both to exist

Thus, nobody will be liable for the wonderful progress that has made our fair land what it is today

So plead not for a false recompense from those who act as his His divinely-ordained good stewar

***

They caint hold me responsible fer the filthiness of the rivers so briefly at His profit-minded mercy

Jesus aint gonna turn us away from them pearly gates fer like envirmental degredation, ya know

I don’t need no liability insurance ta exercise my god-given right tatha pursuita individyul happiness

They caint ever come after me fer carin more about my pickup than their wack sustainabilly crack

No sir, wild animals got no more justice comin than such as our cow, pig and chicken factory inputs

Nobodys gettin in any trouble fer spendin years glued ta good old foopbawl on the latest bigscreen

Theys no punisment comin cause you ran up a miyon$ charge fer fastfood hypertension and diabetus

You wont havta pay fer the damage and injury ur drug habits didta ur fatherless, bred-fer-prison kids

You wont be getting billed fer overfertilizin or mixin toxics with reciclables in ur overflowin trash can

Stay kickd back in ur exceptionist easy chair cause ur already pre-approved fer a good seat in heaven

Relax, polar bears aint bringin no class action suits and nobody’s goin ta jail fer lame climate change

We aint grantin slum kids no miyons fer they smog-induced asthma and lead-caused brain damage

All them extermenated indians aint gettin nothin just cuz they got up in the waya r manyfest destiny

And them jews’ll just be lucky if they dont get turned on fer like the 50^th time, again, real soon now

Them too weak ta raise they voices will be heaped higher wif injusteces, on out to the event horizon

We gotta keep movin forward so you wont see no disgraced former leaders ever brought to justice

Dyin butterflies and bees aint got no public defenders or prosecutin attorneys overta ther side

Wont be no disaster aid comin toanya god’s cretures who lost ther homes on them dyin coral reefs

Who you gonna petition fer relief from the vast swarmsa precious humans just wantin the good life?

Nobody’s liable fer destroyin that livin envirnment that makes alla r triviel pursuts even possible

No patriotic cleancoal lobbyist’ll be fined fer workin hard ta save traditional families jobs and money

Wont nobody be sued when ther aint no more fossil water left tabe sucked outta them aqwefers

Thaint no fund set aside ta compensate the future fer our wasteful and arrogantly-willful destruction

Aint gonna be no class action suits on behalfa victims athat mass extinction we’re so blindly perpin

That illegal World Court cant rule that r overpopulation is the only problem that we really shud solve

Honest citizens wont be gettin no bills for soil destruction and deforestation or pesticide abuse

Nobody’s representin ocean plankton doomed to eat our microplastic litter thats fillin up they homes

Bangaledeshis wont have recourse or insurance when ther land is warshed away by risin sea levels

The gumint aint gonna pay out for lettin miyonsa lives be rooined jist ta get more alcohol tax money

Overpaid doctors wont be brought to justice fer pushing hi-tech procedures over simple pervention

Wont be no CEO bonus clawbacks fer offshorin research, production and support ta raise stock prices

& nobodys gonna bring suit aginst us on behalf of the grandkids whose lives we have impoverished

Let A Deplorable Freedom Ring

Hey! Caint nobody tell us not ta suck down 42oz. BigGulps all day long…if that’s what we wanna do

Aint the gotdam goverments biness if I wanna injoy triple beef bacon cheeseburgers ever damn day

And I kin drive my loud, giant, jackedup pickup any way I want cause I’m the one payin fer her fuel

Ya see, them are choices I make all on my own - And aint that what our sacred fureedom’s all about?

They flat caint make me go ta somedamn spensive health club and do whatever st00pid exercisin

Aint nobody got no right ta make em putt the freakin calories all over the place, way up in my face

eFinARight right we aint standin fer no assault weapon ban, ammo trackin or background checks

By god our kids love hotdogs and it’s about our freedom of choice - not them washinton regelaters

Its like that reciclin BS - Why on gods green earth would enybudy do that if they wasnt brainwashed?

We caint let the bastards choke off our patriotic coal industry and deny us our energy independunce

And them traitorous liberals are all the time tryin to give over our precious sovernty ta them UN nutz

So sicka know-it-all women govermint esperts tryin tatell us not to eat stuff that tastes just great

Look, the only thing them regelaters ever do is cost us honest, hardworkin folks lotsa jobs and money

Gotta stop them teachin that sinful, unproved evilution and bring back school prayer and bible study

We jest gotta repeal that unconstetutional obamacare socialist government healthcare takeover mess

And we also hafta end alla that wasted ferin aid thats financin our enemies and bankruptin us

I gots ever right ta use my SUV as a 3 ton personal air-conditioner or heater wherever I’m idlin in it

Get the damn FDA outta my like colun with their fool rants about baloney, sausage and pepperoni

Pull that disgustin NPR & PBS crap off the air cause a free people are sicka payin fer their elitist lies

Closedown that job-killin EPA, fire alla their burycrats and roll back everona they overreachin rulins

Hey, we dinit fight thather Revelooshunerie War ta be takin over by their revoltin seculer socialism

Aint spendin nethin on that messa bad science, twisted facts and lies athat so-called climate change

It’s high time we stud up ta be counted as aginst them preverted dope smokers tryinta enslave us all

Won’t see me all like knotted up in ther confusin details when there’s a good black or white choice

Wont let em demotivate our heroic job creaters by takin from them ta waste on alla them moochers

Damn straight I deserved ta have my bogus credit card debt written off - so I could go get some more

We support tappin all calls, posts and tweets cause honest, freedom-lovin citizens got nethin ta fear

Aint never givin up eatin outta fastfood plastic fer that godawful brocolli or pusish tofu

Not gonna stand fer them turnin this land into the USSA – United Socialist States of America, No Sir!

I say turn the firehoses on them idiots tryin ta WTF? humanize our efficient family meat production

We demand access ta all our public lands and we aint talkin about gotdam lameazz hikin, neither

And you jest better keep yer greedy, socialistic hands wayaway from my medicare, by the way

Well, hell no we aint payin no taxes jest cuz they foreclosed on our underwater, former ATM, house

Gotta keep them thievin illegales outta here but you kin bet I aint pickin no shitty vegetables

Elitists got it rigged sos only they kin git elected - By promisin more benes and not ta raise no taxes

We stand shoulderTashoulder with the 1% ta maintain our divinely-ordained constitutional freedoms

I Have A Nightmare

"Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!" – MLK, “I have a dream”, 8/28/63.

I saw the few of us still remaining struggle uselessly, yet in total savagery over spoiled foodstuffs

I realized they were free at last of oppressive government oversight - as well as any yoke of morality

Freed they were - from concerns over mass extinctions, global warming and their own toxic emissions

No longer did they need to ignore elevated blood pressure, weight, blood sugar and cholesterol

Not just all the free healthcare and abortion clinics, but ALL of the clinics and hospitals were closed

There was no more Monday Nite Football and nobody would ever commute angrily back to work again

I watched them lovingly exact the violent vengeance that their society had so long denied them

Laughed hysterically as fictional climate change somehow made their exceptionist land uninhabitable

Found that the best survival strategy for the kids was to combine a loud violence with selfishness

No longer did folks need to choose between poisoned factory produce and costly but wilted organics

And no one questioned their sacred right to bear arms since they were so often taking sniper fire

Found the vast number of now-useless and abandoned fossil fuel vehicles to be strangely disquieting

Saw how women caught out alone became the legitimate target of gang rape and brutal violence

Strangers were shot on sight or forced into cruel slavery without any questions or any legal recourse

Useless skills such as reading and writing were forgotten except by those called on to read the bible

Obesity and lifestyle ills quickly disappeared in peoples whose average life expectancy was only 31

The old, infirm and sick all died at their natural pace without more than familial concern for care

Vast poisoned agribusiness regions left untended, ever so slowly regained a pre-industrial state

Diptheria, rheumatic fever, measles returned to claim many kids who had even survived childbirth

Toilet tissue became but a cultural memory that turned into a fanciful legend in a single generation

I have a nightmare where vast numbers of our obese and ignorant populace simply disappear at once

Gays retreated back to the closet or were killed and abortion was performed only with boot heels

The wounded and handicapped were left behind with a bit of food and a small plastic jug of water

They carried tattered flags about until they all fell to pieces, and no more ever arrived from China

They finally did reduce, refurbish, repurpose and recycle, but only out of hungry stone age necessity

Despite our destructive habits, the earth gradually recovered thanks to our huge population decrease

After the entitlements ended, torches and pitchforks rooted out quivering executives and politicians

Greenhouse emissions finally cratered when all the power plants and refineries were abandoned

No longer were we agitated by unmuffled pickups, jetskis, snowmachines, ATVs, dirtbikes and sirens

Factory fishing ceased quite suddenly and devastated ocean stocks at last began slowly to recover

Prices for bluefin tuna and elephant ivory bottomed with no elite class to sustain that vanity demand

Hot water was only available if boiled over an open fire and kids speculated about electrical outlets

Half-wild dogs and open firepits once again became of utmost importance to our very survival

Unconstitutional taxes were replaced by bribes and sex for protection by petty and violent warlords

They no longer needed to complain about the increasing entitlements and more tax cuts for the rich

But by god, we are all created a helluva lot more equal given the universal squalor of all our lives

Miyonsa Preverted DEv8s

Them preverted dEv8s are tryin ta take over the goverment just like they rueend alla the schools

Sustainabillies buzzin with they joyless, fat-free hidden agenda all up in our faces, like filthy flies

Hideously brazen LGBTQs stalking our kids out in the streets, on TV and in they smartphones as well

Skinny vegans pushin rotten overpriced organic wedgies over good-od doublemeat bacon cheeseburgs

We're miyonsa not so bright and ignerant republicans who still refuse ta see whos pullin our strings

We even believe we’ll be back ta gettn snowmobiles, jetskis and ATVs on credit from our houses

Just talkin tax cuts, socialism and the EPA, real patriots may get enough votes to keep the 1% on top

We’ll all be drivin tough, new cheap-diesel pickups just as soon as them over-regelaturs gets flushed

Why, them bastards wanna us ta actuelly get outta our vehicles and go like walk around or somethin

Always pushin fat, incompitint, hissy, handicapped, gay, women acolor up front fer them permotions

Wantin to scam us on they overpriced whatever artisun bread, shade coffee, frinch cheese and shit

Seen their goddam squirrelly talk shows before, goin way too detailed and not even raisin ther voices

We stand by our coal-fired thermostats in this righteous war against that costly climate change fraud

Locked onto the Fair and Balanced for guidance thru this vast and tricky liberal media conspirecy

Damn straight that Endangered Species Act has got to go – right along with that unholy, jobkillin EPA

WTF has that overreachin Clean Water Act ever done cept to cost us all abuncha jobs and money?

**************************************************************************************************************************

Those lame apartment pickup truck cowboys can’t know how good it feels to go hybrid hyper-miling

Why can’t they see they’re killin their kids with candybars, tube steaks, cheetos and Mountain Dew?

They just keep beggin for more money for so-called dEfense while we’re flyin off that fiscal cliff

Guess they’re OK with making less every year and with more tax cuts for the 1% who offshored them

They actually believe that taxing the rich will ruin their own vapid negative savings rate lifestyles

Think that going for free to the ER is what ThE world’s finest healthcare system is really all about

Not afraid of diabetes, high blood pressure or cholesterol, heart disease or obesity, not one damn bit

Expressing true freedom and liberty by waddling about in their lameass fat pickups and giant SUVs

Simply refuse to see how blindly promoting gay, handicapped, female humans of color benefits us all

The rich need their votes but know that they’re really all trapped in that entitlement mentality

Paying $350/mo for phone, internet and HDTV is what it is for the privilege of being an American

But just how do they figure that carrying 27% interest balances on 5 credit cards is prudent finance?

Must fix the deficit but, for the love of god, Don’t touch our social security, medicaid or raise taxes!

And of course we must rebuild our crippled military, why, that’s one thing Everbody can agree on

So, yeah, if they’re too stupid to be eating broccoli already, there’s no point in forcing it down them

They think it’s not fair to pay taxes on the money saved via foreclosure, because they’re still broke

***************************************************************************************************************************

If you ax me, everbudy needs ta be armed at all times ta put a real quick stop to them cereal killers

The only diet we found that really works is to binge and scratch on Meth til hour teeth turn black

Energy independence means wearin shorts all winter and idlin our P/Us 20 minutes ta warm em up

So, who is it that really profits from our ignorance AND convinces us ta be so damn proud of it?

Our Apartment Cowboy Saint

Yup, He does live right down the hall from us and He’s got a real nice old pickup parked outside, too

Yer goddamn right He votes straight republican And He keeps it locked on the Fox, jest like we do

His teeth hurt as bad as mine so we drove 5 hours ta some free clinic but by 4:00 AM we was too late

And that Guy has some really nice automatic firearms and a valid concealed weapon permit

His mom and dad live with Him, as well as some lady and her kids from acupla her other marriages

Told me that the freakin EPA has got to go and we hafta get the US out of the UN and vice-versa

Said tax blessings fer the rich will damn straight float all of our boats back up an inta the good times

Acourse, liberals are always attackin Him with that junk science and ther woreout socialist agindas

He’s got the bankers backs insteada knockin down their walls cuz He knows theys too big ta fail

And, shit man, He’s always got a cold one in the fridge for any guy stoppin by to watch foopbawl

Revealed aliens tryin ta take over the country as liberals aim ta give away our national sovereignty

Lives by soundbite common sense and faith, not NPR or the NYTimes, so that’s what we’re doin too

He helped us burn down the last abortion clinic in the state and even got a shot off at a fleeing MD

The farkers foreclosed on His house too, but luckily He had already spent alla His 3 HELOCs

Happily, them repo parasites never tuk His busted up boat, ATV, jetskis, snowmobile or dirtbikes

Them illegales stole His carpenter job and He was on unemployment fer 3 years, jest like me

He never wenta college but He sure knows the difference butween junk science and industree studies

Aint no freakin vegan and you don’t see no queer green recyclin box by His front door, either

Sometimes we hear good old country music driftin thru His walls and He’ll commence ta sing along

Told us about the job-killin regelaters working against His father who anyways still blesses America

Skinny as a rail except for a fat little belly, the free clinic says He’s pre-diabetic, just the same as us

Refused ta signup fer no freedim-stealin obamacare tax right along withalla the restaus loyal patriots

Hey, I won $20 on a lotto ticket I bought one day when we went in for BigGulps and Doritos on break

He laughed out loud when theyas talking global warming with some squirmin liberal scientest on TV

Told us our Traditional Family Values™ are at the core of the Newer Testament He’s been workin on

Knows we gotta nuke them Arabs back ta the stone age startin first with them heathen Irainians

Made sure we know that clean air and water are free and our meat animals got no everlasting souls

Well, actually the poor SOB don’t got no more saved up fer His golden years than you or me

Showed us how ta find answers fer any perplexin issue in that Good Book He’s mostly memorized

Somebody seen Him smack a damn Prius real hard with His big truck door over to the mall parking lot

Sure enough He said we was born to be prosperous in this blessed land, if we’ll just keep ta the faith

He’s cullectin SSI too, that’s for sure and He gets all His Chinese stuff down to Wal*Mart jest like us

Said somebody’s gotta stand up ta them godless jihadis and it falls ta us not them squishy Eurolosers

He told the kids ta be grateful fer coal-fired A/C on everonea them recerd hot days we keep havin

He never went to freakin college but He knows they better keep their damn hands offa our medycare

They aint no comprymises in His beliefs and we won’t let no sinful give and take pervert His truth