Heaven On Earth for Fox and Friends

How it could be, out from under their fredom smotherin elitist conspearacy

Everbodyd be fingerin concealed weapons in all public places, lookin out ta pincushion some shootr

That overreachin EPA’d be jest a bad memory that caint hobble our blessed family lifestyles no more

You wutnt never hear no more fool harpin on the fictshunal evilsa doublemeat bacon cheeseburgers

Gas’d be an affordable $2 a gallon like it rightly auter be in a truly freed-up dumestic energy market

Foopball would last all year long and we won’t be dippin no brocolli or carrots with our Doritas

Government wouldn’t be subsidizin wimpy hybrids over gutsy diesel family pickups no way - no more

We’d give back stolen federal lands ta the people – big oil, real estate men and ATV adventurers

Alla our leaders’d make big decisions, like destroyin them islamic fanatics, with ther saviours counsel

We’d swap out their elementary school hands-on sex-ed manuals fer copysa school prayers & bibles

A free, unObamacared marketplace would see ta the healtha all our people, with utmost efficiency

Wacko protesters against such as mountain top removal coal mining would be given firehose therapy

Dope smokers’d be pilloried nexta neighborhood bars tabe spit on or kicked by patriotic alcoholics

Boys, that NPR & PBS’d be shutdown faster than you kin spout a single Fair and Balanced soundbite

We’d hustle the US outta that lame one world UN and get it way the hell outta this fair land of ours

Our borders would be secured but employers could still mistreat and cheat throwaway illegal workers

The gument’d get right outta the binessa species preservation, pollution control & CO2 nonsense

Alla them moochers’d be shoved off welfare, disablility, unemployment, food stamps & medicaid

No more ragging BS gov’t ads about cholesterol, diabetes, obesity, exercise or blood pressure

Bush & Cheney’d be right up there, on Mt Rushmore with Reagan and Trump and them other heroes

We’d sure enough end that lameass reinterduction and kill alla them shittin wolves & grizzlies – agin!

All of us’d get free rEfIs with lowered principal and interest rates sos we kin tap some more equity

Them spotted owls, blind desert pupfish and such crap would hafta adapt ta progress or move out

That sin of sodomy would be treated just like the bible says it should – without no medical benefits

We’ll all be filled with ignorant pride parrotin canned soundbites and forwardin unquestioned tweets

Heroic CEOS’ll bring in them good-payin jobsa tomorrow which they promised when they offshored us

We’ll all be kickin global warmin ass just by adjustin down our patriotically coal-fired A/C units

Our dEfense would finally be rebuilt after decades of cowardly peacenik liberal decimation

Alla them minorties would finally see how ther innerests line rite up with old white republican men

They’d be no more talk regardin the rightsa souless cows, pigs & chickens ta whatever like dignity

That silly reciclying nonsense would surely be just a funny memory, same as them lame snowflakes

Everbody will agree that there organic crap was just a spensiv, bad-tasting, not-too-nutritious scam

We’ll all recognize that clean water, air and shit are god-given rights that don’t need no regelatin

That Arab obama would not only be known as the worst president but he’ll still be in jail fer treason

Wouldn’t have ta worry bout them traiterous socialists getting they hands on our medicare no more

Wont hear no more talk about raisin taxes on the brave entrepeenurs who create the jobs fer alla us

Private inerprize’ll build any new roads, bridges, waterworks, sewers and such what we may need

Keepin Our Priorities Straight

Today, the country pays the price for the left-wing ideologies that ran rampant in the 20th century – The American Conservative

Not wastin no funds like rebildin old bridges, failin sewers, bad roads, lektrik grids & water supplies

Gotta shove them illegales back without no amnesty but I sure aint gonna go pick that gotdam brocolli

Aint inerested in hearin about like shattered ecasystems cause they ain’t hurt me none at all

But orchestrated celebrity wardrobe malfunctions are definitely worth menshinin…quite often

Not even gonna consider their wacko BS bout some looming global fresh water shortage craptrap

Now, the threata gun control…That’s somethin we always gotta be perpetchile on alert for

You can jest STF-up yer fact-fudgin, elitist, global warmin power grab, ya traitrus libral snowflakes

But we do need ta hurryup & get them moochers off medicaid, unemploymint, foodstamps & disabilty

CorproAg dead soil, antibiotics, fertilizer & pesticide abuse, GMOs & water waste are jest irrevelent

Now then, let’s set down and talk foopbawl stats - and ax me how my fantasy league picks are doin

Yr bogus human-caused mass estintion is bout as critical ta me as the bugs smashed on my winshield

More importntly, I’m busy decidin shud I buy a new jetski, snowmachine, ATV, RV or a dirtbike next

The dignitya factory meat and the proper treatment of ther wastes aint no parta my buyin decisions

Damn straight we gotta stop teachin this unproven evilution over god’s absulute lawr of creationism

Aint no fairytale NewAge sustainabilly dopesmoke gonna affect my next vote, none at all, whatsoever

I do wanna know when them good jobsa tamarra they promised when they offshored us are comin in

Unending goverment shutdown crises are gonna earn us some real political victerys real soon now

Busides, the most important thing is ta make sure our libral enemies don’t get nethin done at all

We’ll take viralized soundbites over their shady and twisted so-called scientific satistics, anytime

Its vital ta spend more time studyin cell plans & credit card rates than on boring like retirement plans

I aint doin that wack reciclin crap unlest and until they start paying me ta do it - like they shud

Them quiet overpriced habrids are fer them meterosexuls and such. Me & my Ram-tough hemi rule.

That big shit called the Dead Spot the Mississippi takes with our toxins in the Guf aint on my radar

Leaders gotta talkta ther personal saviors when makin such decsions as liberatin them evil califates

The healtha this country aint measured by the cunditiona them convenient sewers, AKA our rivers

Everbudy knows that like GDP and the Unemployment numbers are the real measuresa our progress

Mountain top removal and power plant mercury emissions aint rightly parta any bill fer coal-fired A/C

Chicken crap from squeezed producers that’s killin chesapeake bay oysters don’t even matter to me

Jest cuz u caint go swimmin or eat the fish yer kids catch aint no reason ta get all like preturbed

Keepin in mind that this overpopelation myth flys right in the facea gods order ta go out and multiply

Gotta get ridda socialist entitlements cuz they just stimulat them multi-generational welfare queens

We got no use fer this dam obamacare cuz we already get our healtcare fer free - Down to the ER!

Absulutly hafta get the gumint outta our biness but sniffin at all them emails, tweets & shit: A-OK!

It’s a sure thing that if it takes a collige dugree ta read it, it just aint worth knowin about enaway

Don need no gov’t nannyin on what ta eat and specially not ther lame meddlin junk about exercisin

Jest keep them 12 candy, salty snack & frozen treat aisles…and get that freerange shit outta my way

It Aint Always Easy Ta Ignore Them Socshylists

You dont just jump inta like editorials or them op-eds after readin only fastfood menus fer years

Not gonna go dumbass exercisin ever day cuz its sweaty, boring and I aint got the time ta waste on it

They’re sayin my tastes will change from bacon & cheese to brocolli & tofu, but I sure aint seein that

It aint easy ta accept any doubt in my life after christ has answered everona my questions fer so long

Not at all convinced I shud give up my ramtuf Hemi fa them elitist global warmin conspiracy mongers

They just don’t get that if we all carried weapons we could end ever shootin rampage real quick

We’re just tryin ta get by, but their job-killing socialist agenda is costin us all ahole lotta money

Caint even swaller their lies about the st00pid school test scoresa them whatever roomanian loosers

We sure do deserve some real relief from them defraudin credit card and lyin homeloan companies

I gotta struggle jest ta keep my head straight what with bein insida this vast liberal media centrifuge

Tryin ta save fer our golden years, but with 0% inerest on savins we figgered gold was the way to go

We got problems with government sniffin our tweets but god is welcome to our innermost thoughts

It wadnt easy ta balance work and family life so now I’m tempin and livin in another blended family

It really hurts fallin outta the middle class - lucky we still got 3 credit cards ta keep the dream alive

It’s gettin so a guy caint hardly afford jetskis, snowmachines, harleys or a new pickup ever 2 years

Theyre still buggin us ta recicle but that aint eny parta my pursuita happiness or personal freedom

Nope, cant get them dirty Arabs ta see the truthta them Traditional Family Values that we export

You ever try ta lose weight, lower yer bloodpressure, watch the sugar and yer colesteral all at onct?

Its difficult ta bloom under the weighta that failed socialist agenda they keep shovelin up ontoppa us

It aint easy ta watch em smother our heroic enterpeenurs under ever more taxes and fool regelations

Cant even find a decent barista job much less start payin off my mountain of worthless college loans

Its getting harder ta realize our divinely-granted exceptionist role given our ongoing economic woes

Strugglin ta hold out til the good new jobs they promised us when they outsourced us finally get here

It’s tuf ta get Disability after yer Unemployment runs out and you still got 15 years til Social Security

It aint easy ta find time ta cook family meals so we mostly set down ta Mac&Cheese or MickieD’s

Tryin ta push back on the moochers who got so badly addicted ta them corrupt socialist entitlements

Keepin up with the $350/mo fer cable, cell & internet is still hard even without eye & dental care

How you think it feels ta not have the caish ta fix the new ATV my kid smashed up last summer?

We’re swimmin real hard against a flooda muddy propaganda from the leftwing fakenews conspiracy

Yessir, we’re strugglin heroically against those tryin ta rob us of our sacred right ta bear firearms

Havin ta fight hard everday ta stay fer free in our unfairly underwater home…fer the last 3½ years!

Its getting more difficult ta blow off alla them untruths regardin overeatin, drinkin and couch surfin

Havin ta ignore more and more dumbass internationalist liars regardin our falling standarda living

How’d u lieta hafta look at yer once little darlins layin round covered with creepy tattoos & piercins?

Its like a full time job ta juggle credit card balances around sos ya pay under 30% inerest ever month

It aint easy ta keep stoppin ta smell them roses while still goin fer the gusto and like livin fer taday

Miyonsa Preverted DEv8s

Them preverted dEv8s are tryin ta take over the goverment just like they rueend alla the schools

Sustainabillies buzzin with they joyless, fat-free hidden agenda all up in our faces, like filthy flies

Hideously brazen LGBTQs stalking our kids out in the streets, on TV and in they smartphones as well

Skinny vegans pushin rotten overpriced organic wedgies over good-od doublemeat bacon cheeseburgs

We're miyonsa not so bright and ignerant republicans who still refuse ta see whos pullin our strings

We even believe we’ll be back ta gettn snowmobiles, jetskis and ATVs on credit from our houses

Just talkin tax cuts, socialism and the EPA, real patriots may get enough votes to keep the 1% on top

We’ll all be drivin tough, new cheap-diesel pickups just as soon as them over-regelaturs gets flushed

Why, them bastards wanna us ta actuelly get outta our vehicles and go like walk around or somethin

Always pushin fat, incompitint, hissy, handicapped, gay, women acolor up front fer them permotions

Wantin to scam us on they overpriced whatever artisun bread, shade coffee, frinch cheese and shit

Seen their goddam squirrelly talk shows before, goin way too detailed and not even raisin ther voices

We stand by our coal-fired thermostats in this righteous war against that costly climate change fraud

Locked onto the Fair and Balanced for guidance thru this vast and tricky liberal media conspirecy

Damn straight that Endangered Species Act has got to go – right along with that unholy, jobkillin EPA

WTF has that overreachin Clean Water Act ever done cept to cost us all abuncha jobs and money?

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Those lame apartment pickup truck cowboys can’t know how good it feels to go hybrid hyper-miling

Why can’t they see they’re killin their kids with candybars, tube steaks, cheetos and Mountain Dew?

They just keep beggin for more money for so-called dEfense while we’re flyin off that fiscal cliff

Guess they’re OK with making less every year and with more tax cuts for the 1% who offshored them

They actually believe that taxing the rich will ruin their own vapid negative savings rate lifestyles

Think that going for free to the ER is what ThE world’s finest healthcare system is really all about

Not afraid of diabetes, high blood pressure or cholesterol, heart disease or obesity, not one damn bit

Expressing true freedom and liberty by waddling about in their lameass fat pickups and giant SUVs

Simply refuse to see how blindly promoting gay, handicapped, female humans of color benefits us all

The rich need their votes but know that they’re really all trapped in that entitlement mentality

Paying $350/mo for phone, internet and HDTV is what it is for the privilege of being an American

But just how do they figure that carrying 27% interest balances on 5 credit cards is prudent finance?

Must fix the deficit but, for the love of god, Don’t touch our social security, medicaid or raise taxes!

And of course we must rebuild our crippled military, why, that’s one thing Everbody can agree on

So, yeah, if they’re too stupid to be eating broccoli already, there’s no point in forcing it down them

They think it’s not fair to pay taxes on the money saved via foreclosure, because they’re still broke

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If you ax me, everbudy needs ta be armed at all times ta put a real quick stop to them cereal killers

The only diet we found that really works is to binge and scratch on Meth til hour teeth turn black

Energy independence means wearin shorts all winter and idlin our P/Us 20 minutes ta warm em up

So, who is it that really profits from our ignorance AND convinces us ta be so damn proud of it?

That’s An Alternative Fact!

Our supporters don’t listen to their lying so-called factcheckers - so we can create the news that suits our sponsors

Welcome to the highway to hell, here in the USSA – The United Socialist States Of America

Gas would only be $1.50/gallon if not for that intrusive and unnecessary government regulation

America’s greatest days remain ahead, for we alone possess a divinely-granted exceptionist destiny

Climate change is a costly, elitist scare tactic used to try to steal our precious national sovereignty

Good science can advance thru slanted polls and soundbites just as well as via reproducible research

Industry studies reveal processed meats have health benefits beyond storing toxic fat for lean times

Politicians are not quietly fostering increasing ignorance only because it keeps us easier to convince

The government’s core inflation rate is a true indicator of price trends our families are experiencing

Real estate professionals bring true expertise and a desire for a better world to their unselfish work

Corporate strategies are rooted in a deep patriotism and great concern for citizens longterm welfare

Free markets can ensure species preservation via setting high prices on items such as ivory and tuna

Our lovely planet can comfortably support 10 billion people with but a few minor agricultural tweaks

Liberals plan to take away our guns and give up our cherished freedom to that pagan United Nations

We absolutely must continue to outspend the world combined on dEfense or risk foreign domination

Medicare Death Panels already have prioritized lists of grandparents to be put down by gov’t doctors

It’s only the Far Right that has succeeded in stopping any and all efforts at political compromise

Continually retrying failed socialist policies hoping for better results is a hallmark of liberal madness

Though their contributions are not financially measurable, CEO compensation must increase annually

Chronic budget reductions can be sustainably overcome via volunteerism and doing more with less

Air is free, a fresh water supply is a god-given right and the oceans must stay open to all for profit

Our reasoned evolution of belief is the very opposite of the hated political enemy’s cowardly flip-flop

Industry-financed drug research exemplifies how market forces efficiently effect safe self-regulation

War is a genetic and moral imperative – Besides it’s a lucrative and permanent economic opportunity

Tax cuts, social program reductions and deregulation will suffice to get our country growing strongly

Globalization allows multinationals to provide us with cheaper products and good jobs for peasants

A worldwide elite conspires to tithe our precious sovereignty to a godless Eurohive of failed socialism

LGBT behavior is a lifestyle choice which can be unlearned given the proper spiritual environment

And truly the fight for gay marriage ranks right up there with women’s suffrage and negro civil rights

The feds fund stripper training in Chicago and teach NY pimps to writeoff employee meth benefits

Ranchers are right to demand predator control so their welfare cattle can trample public wetlands

Any tax increase on the rich completely robs them of their priceless, job-creating motivation

Unlimited and anonymous corporate campaign bribes are necessary to ensure our freedom of speech

Mandatory universal armament would ensure everyone’s safety from that rare wacko mass murderer

The EPA or Employment Prevention Agency must be abolished along with all its job-killing regulations

Recycling is a foolish waste of time which merely prevents market forces from operating efficiently

The return of the Good Old Days of late last century is certain given our people’s boundless optimism

I Really Do Need Lots of Guns!

Wow, I need a gun here right now, nexta my pillow cuz what if them UN helicopters hover tonight...

OK, what if that big black hand reaches into my window… later on when everybody else is fast asleep

I keep it warm and well-hidden, right next to my skin - on the way to church each Sunday morning

And it feels so good when I touch off a few rounds and some prairie dogs or such vermin just explode

I expeschilly like rubbing that smooth barrel up and down while it’s still warm and smoking

With this shapely 30 shot automatic in hand I’m ready to stand my ground - Anytime and anywhere

Hey, I’m just harking back to them good old pilgrim fathers who chiseled out our holy constitution

Yup, the right to deadly force is among the most deeply-rooteda alla our sacred tradishnal vayues

The very idea of even regelatin assault weapons sets my proud, violent, radicalized blood ta boilin

What we actually need are neighborhood anti-tank and anti-aircraft brigades ta foil CIA incursions

Why, at this very moment I could squeeze one off in the face of a drugged carjacker or pushy cicylist

God bless the NRA cause, whoa baby, I really need all my guns right here, right beside me, right now

Took a firearm safety class with my 3^rd grader and now she just loves to go shooting with her Daddy

Sitting quietly on my lap, she counts the shells in her chamber as we break down our pistols together

The wife’s got a very ladylike .38 she slips right on down into her purse as she heads in for a pedicure

To me, being armed is like being dressed, and you best believe I don’t even hop inta bed neked

The certainty that I have the power ta solve social problems by ending lives colers alla my actitudes

And, as everybody knows from the Good Book, jesus spoke out against gun control plots way long ago

For He commends us not only against the infidels but demands we take an eye for an eye and stuff

It’s a win-win-win situation combining our sacred religious duty with patriotism and sensual pleasure

Good God, I need my guns like I need ta eat every day and that’s really all I shudhafta say about that

Whenever I leave the house I got my checklist: Wallet, cellphone, handgun, BigGulp, sunglasses, keys

Hey, dont you think I dont know them socialist hivers meanta rob meamy godgiven right ta bear arms

But when the shit hits the fan, we’ll take off for the woods in my pickup loaded with rifles and ammo

After all, guns are a big parta what it means to be a Man here in The Greatest country on the planet

Yup, from pilgrim ta cowboy ta redneck an honored heavily-armed tradition been handed down ta me

We aint standin fer no weapons tracking, smart guns or fingerprinted ammo, either, no gotdam way!

The feds got no right to know what I got up here in my home arsenal but they can tap them tweeters

I need a gun or I wunna feel complete and my whole lifestyle would not make any real sense…

It’s even more than self-protection, why, it has a lot to do with who I am and what I truly believe in

Them occasional mass killings simply prove that our citizens needs to remain ever armed and vigilant

Yea, in a righteous world 4 or 5 civilians would open up on wack shooters anywhere, public or private

Yup, I read that American Rifleman magazine in the privacy of my bathroom and God bless my guns

You might as well ask me to give up good old red meat as to surrender my treasured, shiny firearms

Ya see, gun control actually should only be about keeping a steady aim and a smooth trigger finger

So, I’ll see you down to that next gunshow in Arizona, checkin out bikinis & unregistered automatics