Keepin Our Priorities Straight

Today, the country pays the price for the left-wing ideologies that ran rampant in the 20th century – The American Conservative

Not wastin no funds like rebildin old bridges, failin sewers, bad roads, lektrik grids & water supplies

Gotta shove them illegales back without no amnesty but I sure aint gonna go pick that gotdam brocolli

Aint inerested in hearin about like shattered ecasystems cause they ain’t hurt me none at all

But orchestrated celebrity wardrobe malfunctions are definitely worth menshinin…quite often

Not even gonna consider their wacko BS bout some looming global fresh water shortage craptrap

Now, the threata gun control…That’s somethin we always gotta be perpetchile on alert for

You can jest STF-up yer fact-fudgin, elitist, global warmin power grab, ya traitrus libral snowflakes

But we do need ta hurryup & get them moochers off medicaid, unemploymint, foodstamps & disabilty

CorproAg dead soil, antibiotics, fertilizer & pesticide abuse, GMOs & water waste are jest irrevelent

Now then, let’s set down and talk foopbawl stats - and ax me how my fantasy league picks are doin

Yr bogus human-caused mass estintion is bout as critical ta me as the bugs smashed on my winshield

More importntly, I’m busy decidin shud I buy a new jetski, snowmachine, ATV, RV or a dirtbike next

The dignitya factory meat and the proper treatment of ther wastes aint no parta my buyin decisions

Damn straight we gotta stop teachin this unproven evilution over god’s absulute lawr of creationism

Aint no fairytale NewAge sustainabilly dopesmoke gonna affect my next vote, none at all, whatsoever

I do wanna know when them good jobsa tamarra they promised when they offshored us are comin in

Unending goverment shutdown crises are gonna earn us some real political victerys real soon now

Busides, the most important thing is ta make sure our libral enemies don’t get nethin done at all

We’ll take viralized soundbites over their shady and twisted so-called scientific satistics, anytime

Its vital ta spend more time studyin cell plans & credit card rates than on boring like retirement plans

I aint doin that wack reciclin crap unlest and until they start paying me ta do it - like they shud

Them quiet overpriced habrids are fer them meterosexuls and such. Me & my Ram-tough hemi rule.

That big shit called the Dead Spot the Mississippi takes with our toxins in the Guf aint on my radar

Leaders gotta talkta ther personal saviors when makin such decsions as liberatin them evil califates

The healtha this country aint measured by the cunditiona them convenient sewers, AKA our rivers

Everbudy knows that like GDP and the Unemployment numbers are the real measuresa our progress

Mountain top removal and power plant mercury emissions aint rightly parta any bill fer coal-fired A/C

Chicken crap from squeezed producers that’s killin chesapeake bay oysters don’t even matter to me

Jest cuz u caint go swimmin or eat the fish yer kids catch aint no reason ta get all like preturbed

Keepin in mind that this overpopelation myth flys right in the facea gods order ta go out and multiply

Gotta get ridda socialist entitlements cuz they just stimulat them multi-generational welfare queens

We got no use fer this dam obamacare cuz we already get our healtcare fer free - Down to the ER!

Absulutly hafta get the gumint outta our biness but sniffin at all them emails, tweets & shit: A-OK!

It’s a sure thing that if it takes a collige dugree ta read it, it just aint worth knowin about enaway

Don need no gov’t nannyin on what ta eat and specially not ther lame meddlin junk about exercisin

Jest keep them 12 candy, salty snack & frozen treat aisles…and get that freerange shit outta my way

A Far Left Elitist Confesses

Oliver:”Hello, my alias is ‘Jarred‘ and I am an elitist and I need to share our secret agenda with you.” Group: “Hello, Jarred”

We will force you from your pickups and SUVs into costly, cramped, dangerous and sexless electrics

Our agenda includes confiscating and recycling all of your firearms as we increase our own stockpiles

We demand you surrender our overblown national sovereignty to that socialist UN New World Order

You must enjoy scraggly overpriced organic kale instead of tortured doublemeat baconcheeseburgers

Our government simply must spend trillions for global warming even if we aren’t really sure it exists

We’ll smother your ignorant and loud free speech beneath our wet blanket of political correctness

Your individual contributions shall be brutally downplayed given our focus upon group cohesiveness

Doctors must submit lists of the excess elderly for review by our obamacare death panel bureaucrats

FOX News will be shut down and be replaced by our taxpayer-funded, socialist public-broadcasting

Our stated aims will over-regulate this fair country into bankruptcy, depression and universal poverty

Our mantra is “Tax And Spend by Taking from the rich to waste on the bureaucracy of the poor…”

Everyone must be forced not only to recycle everything but to pay thru the nose for the intrusion

We intend to further cripple the military, leaving us open to terrorist attack and foreign domination

We will replace worship of those in NFL tights with an elitist need for french cyclists, also in spandex

Your home thermostats and vehicle accelerators shall be controlled by bureaucrats in Washington

Property rights will be trampled under the rubric of saving a few filthy rodents and drab, tiny birds

Gas taxes are to be quadrupled and domestic drilling shall be completely ended as soon as possible

The government will choose winning green energy companies to give huge and condition-less grants

We will transform the world such that it appears as if all citizens were handicapped in every fashion

There will be a national LGBT holiday for those vast new hordes of government workers on the dole

Instead of overbearing cosmetized talking heads shouting we shall fund only boring reasoned debates

Your lovely manicured, green lawns must wither to save water and to halt your poisoned yard runoff

Bureaucrats will determine when and how many children you are allowed to bear and abort the rest

Ranchers may only watch as cattle are killed by wolves and bears on newly confiscated gov’t lands

We intend to nationalize all golf courses and turn them into brown, unmotorized bird sanctuaries

You will report for exercise every morning before work or pay a stiff fine to be used for obamacare

Under our regime, broccoli and tofu will replace burgers and fries and people must say they like it

Work shall no longer be viewed as a key element in helping our population form positive self-images

Our secular-socialist welfare state will promise an ever-increasing stream of entitlements - For votes

Businesses will be bankrupted when we bind the federal minimum wage to the cost of living index

The poor will be paid by the government to reject undignified and/or unsatisfying job opportunities

Unemployment will be seamlessly joined to disability & then to social security for those not working

Snowmobiles, jetskis, dirtbikes, ATVs, speedboats and Harleys will taxed out of existence, ASAP

We fully intend to grant amnesty & welfare to illegal aliens as well as welcoming their entire families

New limits on noise pollution shall be strictly enforced by our Neighborhood Citizen Committees

Your trash will be taxed by weight and black ribbons will identify wasteful consumer homes to all