We Got No Need Fer Fekin Readin

1 of 7 American adults find anything more advanced than children’s books to be very challenging – nces.ed.gov, 2009.

Lissen, I got no need ta read cuz I gotta smartphone ta look up any kinda stuff I gotta know about

The register makes change for me at my job so WTF do I need to know how to do like math for

Hey, spellin just aint importent in this modern world were tweetin on thru

Oh, right, like I might need ta read subtitles on some boring and stupid forin movie

Proud ta say we don’t own nonea them useless books, cept the King James – not emen a checkbook

Well, just what would I read anyways, some wack liberal NYTimes or NPR government fake news?

No sir, ta keep up ta date on them libral schemes, we’ll jest keep her locked right here on the Fox

Like I munna sedown and read that 15 page legal docament contract ta my iPhone: Nobody else does

Yup, we signed that mortgage - but it was all jest a packa legal lies and fraud we dinit really get

But there aint nonea that fineprint in the bible so all that’s just the devil’s handiwork ta be ignored

You just ax anybody, them sientists is a buncha sissy geeks whatre so way outta touch with reality

But I got thousandsa sports satistcs regardin my belovd home team right up here & at my fingertips

Ta me, litercy today means knowin how ta runa touch screen and such

And everbody knows ya sure don’t need yearsa schoolin ta sort out the hogwash comin outta google

That is, my criticel thinkin skeels don’t rely on some backbonea school book learnin ta work right

Look, you just back off, I can read any restrint menu I might actually want to…

So, ya see it jest aint important to are lifestyle if my kids test out behind like them whateffin Finns

But I’ll be happy ta swap soundbites with them yella-belly librels - or small arms fire fer that matter

The real men I watch in HD don’t set there readin and shit, they bend down in tights and get after it

And as fer writin - now just what on god’s green earth is that supposed ta actuelly be for?

You can take yer grammer, spellin and whatever punktuation and u just go see how far it gets u

After all, too much lernin jest destroys a guys good god-given common sense, aint ya seen?

Enaways, I got an app that’ll read eny stuff I really need - right out loud ta me

Really, getting us ta read all the time is jest one waya gettin our attention offa ther socialist plots

I don’t hafta like like do the math on my job and they aint payin me ta read no gotdam books, ether

Hey I can read the numbers on my Lotto tickets good enough to know that it’s better luck next time

And who really gives a shit about them whatever hunrert or so ingreedints in abaga Doritas, anyway?

Watchin shit blow up in HD is way more stimulatin than settin all quiet in some corner just readin

Enaways, if you caint get it ta fit it inta a 30 second soundbite you aready lost my attintion

Alla them collige gradu8ts workin over ta that elitist Starbucks aint needin ta read nothin, so there

And ya know, it aint plitically correct or HUD-Approved ta favor bookworms over us common folks

Readins just about as importent as stuff like that BS recicling, and theyll hafta pay me ta do that too

Hey they aint denyin unqualified LBGT, handycapped wimmen acolor promotions cuz theys illiterate

Now look, Don’t ya think if readin was so dam vital that I’d already know about it?

Busides, alla them installation instructions was translated by hindis from whatever chinese nonsense

Enaway, I really caint make out anya them little-teeny squiggles and I caint afford no gotdam glasses

I Have A Nightmare

"Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!" – MLK, “I have a dream”, 8/28/63.

I saw the few of us still remaining struggle uselessly, yet in total savagery over spoiled foodstuffs

I realized they were free at last of oppressive government oversight - as well as any yoke of morality

Freed they were - from concerns over mass extinctions, global warming and their own toxic emissions

No longer did they need to ignore elevated blood pressure, weight, blood sugar and cholesterol

Not just all the free healthcare and abortion clinics, but ALL of the clinics and hospitals were closed

There was no more Monday Nite Football and nobody would ever commute angrily back to work again

I watched them lovingly exact the violent vengeance that their society had so long denied them

Laughed hysterically as fictional climate change somehow made their exceptionist land uninhabitable

Found that the best survival strategy for the kids was to combine a loud violence with selfishness

No longer did folks need to choose between poisoned factory produce and costly but wilted organics

And no one questioned their sacred right to bear arms since they were so often taking sniper fire

Found the vast number of now-useless and abandoned fossil fuel vehicles to be strangely disquieting

Saw how women caught out alone became the legitimate target of gang rape and brutal violence

Strangers were shot on sight or forced into cruel slavery without any questions or any legal recourse

Useless skills such as reading and writing were forgotten except by those called on to read the bible

Obesity and lifestyle ills quickly disappeared in peoples whose average life expectancy was only 31

The old, infirm and sick all died at their natural pace without more than familial concern for care

Vast poisoned agribusiness regions left untended, ever so slowly regained a pre-industrial state

Diptheria, rheumatic fever, measles returned to claim many kids who had even survived childbirth

Toilet tissue became but a cultural memory that turned into a fanciful legend in a single generation

I have a nightmare where vast numbers of our obese and ignorant populace simply disappear at once

Gays retreated back to the closet or were killed and abortion was performed only with boot heels

The wounded and handicapped were left behind with a bit of food and a small plastic jug of water

They carried tattered flags about until they all fell to pieces, and no more ever arrived from China

They finally did reduce, refurbish, repurpose and recycle, but only out of hungry stone age necessity

Despite our destructive habits, the earth gradually recovered thanks to our huge population decrease

After the entitlements ended, torches and pitchforks rooted out quivering executives and politicians

Greenhouse emissions finally cratered when all the power plants and refineries were abandoned

No longer were we agitated by unmuffled pickups, jetskis, snowmachines, ATVs, dirtbikes and sirens

Factory fishing ceased quite suddenly and devastated ocean stocks at last began slowly to recover

Prices for bluefin tuna and elephant ivory bottomed with no elite class to sustain that vanity demand

Hot water was only available if boiled over an open fire and kids speculated about electrical outlets

Half-wild dogs and open firepits once again became of utmost importance to our very survival

Unconstitutional taxes were replaced by bribes and sex for protection by petty and violent warlords

They no longer needed to complain about the increasing entitlements and more tax cuts for the rich

But by god, we are all created a helluva lot more equal given the universal squalor of all our lives

Hooray For That NSA!

The Glomar Response: A government agency's express refusal to confirm or deny having any information on a subject

Yup, they’re out there - sipping from their most giant data firehose, just looking for stuff like this:

‘I’m hoping ta join an al-qaeda sleeper cell, can somebody help me find one in my home town?’

Now then, if I searched for ‘neked pitchersa little boys’, they’ll be trolling for that as well

See, theyre trainin computers to sniff out terrorists and perverts like dogs sniff out drugs and bombs

Don’t be following @alqaeda on twitter or your updated score will draw a live spook’s attention

But no worries, they aint stealing your credit card information, even though now they could

For they’ve found a way to break that good old uncrackable RSA - Oh Hooray, Hooray!

Closeted heroes all named Joe who the NSA routinely denies - their duty is to secretly keep us safe

Why, they’ve even figured out how to get onto your smart TV and can sniff inside yer iPhone as well

But you got to remember it’s all and only in the greater ineresta-nachinal security, so you just relax

Just don’t be looking up like ‘bomb making materials’ or ‘buying a US passport’ or stuff like that

And they’ve figured out how to decode misspellings and illiteracy better than with that shoe bomber

Incubating whatever yottabytes of personal, private data that’s 99.99% useless - Out there in Utah

Packet-groping you at all the major data centers 24x7x365, they filter-feed on our precious freedoms

Nobly working out algorithms to separate white rice recipes from deadly ricin nerve gas formulas

Probably even able to differentiate libertarian sarcasm from the plots of poisoned true believers 

They got smart guys with phDs in like Steganography dissectin images of panties for sharia fatwas

They can detect upticks in terrorist chatter with the fully correlated precision of scientific statistics

And these days they’ll find out if you’re looking into fertilizer, diesel fuel and renting a truck

They’re connecting the dots all over the world, hoping to see the big picture to save our way of life

So I’m not doing online research about weaponizing bird flu or on how much security there is at dams

Dont want to get on a watchlist and have my calls sent straight to the NSA as a potential drone target

I can only hope my digital pocket litter don’t add up to enough to earn me a cyber-detective tail

But, who knows? Searching on gay marriage and Traditional Family Values may be suspicious as well

It costs us billions but their budget is also a secret, so you just better back offa that real quietlike

Just keep in mind that all their work is simply in the interesta ensurin our own common good

You stay away from them web honeypots they fill with helpful hints about pressure cooker bombs

Look, don’t ask any questions at all cause that evokes “The Glomar Response” - and closer scrutiny

Simply accept that to preserve our liberty they gotta tap your innermost privacy in absolute secrecy

And like they keep telling us, if you done nothing, you got nothing to fear, And…it wont hurt a bit

Seriously, you will do your part by just letting them do theirs, you know, like you do at the airport

Their people are anonymous, their methods are secret, their results are classified and that’s how it is

They spurn the cops, they’re outside the military, they don’t talk to the FBI, but you must trust them

They’re not after your mother, they wont hurt your kids, so you can relax and keep sexting your wife

But you can be quite sure: They possibly have foiled nearly countless deadly and hypothetical attacks

They could brick your laptop anytime if necessary, so just you stay real quiet, a bit right of center

Happily Even After MAGA

I did finally get me another job, yup, locked into a 6 month tmp contract they can terminate at will

but after 100 weeks of demeanin and intrusive filin for my rightful unemployment, I am reborn

making half of what I used to and drivin twice as far but, I got this wondres renewal of my self worth

not gettin any benefits until I possibly get on fulltime but I still got a few pain meds left fer my teeth

good thing that old core inflation remains low cause everything that we buy has gone up, out of sight

we do save a lot on home maintenance and yard work since we was forced to become renters again

but I got financial-smart friends who stayed at home years fer free by dodgin in and outta foreclosure

we eat lots of fastfoods cause I hear it’s way cheaper than bakin bread and cookin beans and rice

sure I canceled that expensive car insurance - just as soon as I got my new plates and registration

getting rid of my trash down by the creek cause I aint payin tahave guys come justa haul that shit off

them damn cell, internet and cable bills cost like $300 a month but we caint do without that stuff

dont see how the gumint screwed things up so bad so fast but we just gotta get anybody else in there

got no insulation here so we just keep the heat cranked cuz we all liketa hang in baggy shorts

thank god for Fox exposing socialist plans to expand entitlements and demotivate noble job creaters

why, the people down ta the ER know our kids names but them elitists aim to take away our choices

lookit my diesel pickup boys, got er jacked up, custom wheels, real loud and I only owe like $45000

sicka payin for these stupid public service intrusions about whatever obesity and lameass exercise

if them warshinton jobkillers would just foller our sacred constitution and the blessed free market…

fed up with pukes tryin to nanny us right inta some kinda failed old eurosocialist style frikin beehive

and I got guns, too. Now, I caint afford new glasses but we can go out shooting at a $buck.50 a round

I should pay for they clean energy scams after they stifled our patriotic coal minin & oil drillin..right?

don’t know where they came up with these lies about our kids being like 29^th in world school testing

got a nice bonus outta my 401k last time I was laid off but I aint signin up fer that damn scam again

hafta laugh at them fool greenies tellin me to recycle fer nothin when I got imporent stuff to do

you bet I support our troops and I say we go after allathem idoletres enemy combatants, like say IrAn

happy ta see the feds siftin ever tweet fer terrorist threats but I’m sick atheir interference in my life

aint payin no individul mandate even if they keep raisin my insurance rates ta cover all the moochers

solved this climate change hoax by just turnin my coal-powered air-conditioner thermostat way down

dunno whats wrong with the damn schools but my kids know better than to pay attention to they BS

we aint lettin them push no girly damn ecocars down our throats even though they jacked fuel prices

got 8 months a year a the NFL in HD and listen, that’s about as damn traditional as things kin get

now if we could round up the abortion murderers, gay couples and gun controllers it’d be just peachy

we’re not too proud for food stamps but I do draw the line at Mother’s drug test disqualifyin us

it’s just a damn lie that our standard of living aint the highest in the world and is actually goin down

screw their economic mobility bull, Only in the USA can a guy get ahead just thoo his own hard work

yup, in our Happily Even After alla them Good Jobsa Tomorrow are comin right back here...

right along with the free home equity cash we deserve

Don't Do That

If some office twit overhears a mumbled curse from your tiny cube, you’ll be warned of termination

Speaking the truth to an Officer can earn you a pepper spray or tazing and a night in the drunk tank

Go offscript with offshored support and she’ll say theres no need to get angry sir and hang up on you

Be quiet as the Precious Children sleep til noon and don’t even tell them to keep it down at 2:20 AM

Complain about the Feds sniffing your tweets or hacking your cell and you’ll earn special attention

Whine about removing your shoes, belt and emptying your pockets and you’ll wear some plastic cuffs

Call your insurance vampire for info on a problem you don’t even have and your rates could go up

File a rape allegation and its up to you to prove you arent just another cursing, drunken, whoring slut

Ask the pope for dialog and you’ll get a copy of his edict and be excommunicated if you don’t obey it

Don’t bother to apply for those Good New Jobs if you were ever unemployed or even underemployed

Don’t think you can get to read that web page unless you first agree to an unending stream of spam

Don’t swear you wont pay for no obamacare, yer already paying fer the moochers with no insurance

Be sure not to get old or you’ll silently rise to the top of the layoff list without notice, or recourse

Question any inane BS and they’ll simply say it’s company policy and they don’t make the rules...sir

Have a flat on a ghetto freeway and you’ll be robbed and beaten then processed by surly, bored cops

They can shoot your Lab if they think its a pitbull but dont you dare try telling their kids not to curse

You better tithe your 25% or the IRS will ruin you as the rich whine but patriotically pay their full 13%

Don’t try pushing that damn rabbit food on the fastfood-brainwashed, you socialist vegan nanny

The only part of their sloth-induced metabolic syndrome that is your business is to pay their Dr. bills

Forget junk objective measures and heed only their vapid tweets Re:ThE Greatest Country On Earth

Don’t ever question any military spending or we’ll smear you as a traitorous, soft-on-defense coward

Why bother teachin the kids family values 10 minutes a day when they baste in media sin 24x7x365?

Don’t fool with that recicling crap cause god takes care of everything they’re not paying you to do

Don’t dare even plan fer the effects of that global warmin bullshyte, much less even try ta stop it

Don’t tell these real men to give up their fatass, loud, gas-gulping trucks for some kinda girly hybrid

You mustn’t dare whisper a joke about gun control when a single open mic could alert the NRA

Why mention anything but jobs, lower taxes and more benes if it could cost you in the next election?

Don’t be constrained by the truth - Your supporters ignore their phony factcheckers anyway

You cant say jobs arent coming back or that working poverty is their new and richly-deserved normal

Don’t deny that our holy GDP is more important than the earthly environment upon which it’s based

Talk about good ideas or progress in ferin lands and you’ll be seen as some kinda unpatriotic wacko

Don’t talk too quietly or you’ll be ignored as they just shout right over top of you, without a thought

You can’t publicly reject their pabulum that all men are created equal and enjoy equal oppprtunity

Dont dare to say that our fruitful overpopulation is positively the roota everona our biggest problems

Watch you keep very quiet about anything that might cost good families jobs and, especially, money

Better not insist that the gumint likes us being proudly-ignorant cause it makes us easier to convince