Have A Good Day, Fearless Leader!

Maybe they’ll realize your financial expertise costs too much and earns less than dumb index funds

I hope other clients find a simple legal form on the web & save $1500 avoiding your phony services

May they back out of that big deal after discovering your greedy omissions concerning the property

With a little luck they’ll uncover another extramarital affair and finally be able to get you voted out

It could be today that the IRS ends the faith-based con with which you finance your opulent lifestyle

I ask your god that a security camera catch you lustily fondling yet another frightened new choirboy

I can only hope that one of your over-ambitious underlings will rat out your corporate connivance

It’d be so bad if more email proving you knew everything & you lied got leaked by some geeky minion

It’d be nice to hear that your spoiled kid was arrested for drugs again - despite your TV editorializing

Was cheered hearing the tale of how your son rear-ended an SUV while texting his vapid little friends

Gosh, it’s too bad that they caught you plagiarizing your speeches…but for the third time in a year?

Feel so sad that now you cant avoid the media attention you strove so hard to get, all your pushy life

Like to see another hipster snicker snarkily and walk out on your tiredly-rigged car sales charade

May your mother get into futures trading and your sister buy the funds you created to hedge against

Wish I was there when you finally realize this is The New Normal and not just The Great Recession

So sorry to hear that your vitriolic right-wing rants were the product of your addiction to pain killers

Good luck with embracing diversity through curing gays, expelling illegals and demanding voter IDs

Keep up the planet-saving work to get us all to starve locally, stop driving and not heating our homes

Sorry to hear you corrupted your latest MSProject file right before your 0s0 important status meeting

Too bad your handicapped, gay woman of color boss is just a clueless, tenured but quota-filling bytch

Its very sad that you have to work even though you have such a bad hangover after another Big Game

What a shame they know you were just lying – You did not misspeak AND you were not misunderstood

Glad to hear you lost a suit for botching a golf-hurried, Mommie Makeover that you would not refund

Congratulations on achieving stardom and then turning into a fat, perverted & bankrupt drug addict

Pity that you’re braindead after years making millions smashing into other foopbawl juicers in tights

I fondly imagine you in yer ignorant-loud, jacked-up pickup headed out to where the jobs are -Texas!

Here’s to your coveted 18-49 year olds laughingly dissing your so 20^th century attempts to court them

We anxiously await for you 1%ers to pay as high a tax rate as your disappearing middle-class footmen

I’m so sorry your proud ignorance disqualifies you for the good jobs any chinese peasant could handle

It’s such a shame that your loud, apartment cowboy lifestyle pickup got repoed: Right outside the bar

What a good feeling to see that trooper write you up after you blasted past me yelling into yr cell

Wow, so your darling little girl snuck out and got a spike put in her tongue? My heartfelt condolences

EYuck! Cant stand how your once-conceited 17 y/o blond ass turned so fat, wrinkled & sun-damaged

It was a shame that your 11 y/o boy got paralyzed driving your souped-up ATV - without any helmet

It would hurt me to hear that your disability claim was denied even tho you always voted Republican

Hope to be around when your too big to fail finally turns into too costly to bail and you go to jail

Temporarily Cheaper Is Always Better

Save Money. Live Better – Wal*Mart Slogan

Traditional families shop price, happily oblivious to foreign labor standards or environmental controls

Sending your job overseas helps your neighbors enhance their lifestyles via savings on cheaper goods

Offshoring also applies to your darling children’s food, but not to worry about where it comes from

You can look the other way when they import those low-cost generic drugs - They’re probably safe

Otherwise disgusting offal can be extruded into profitable but less expensive snacks - Like McNuggets

Cheaper building materials designed to barely meet code will quickly fail in a fire or an earthquake

Asian designers & engineers cost less and work better with our offshore suppliers and manufacturers

The Cheap And Disposable keeps their peasants employed and our shoppers busy returning to stores

There’s less disappointment if the lowest price choice is DOA 1 out of 3 times, right out of the box

Eating, wearing and buying cheap food, clothes, toys, eGizmos & household plastics is our way of life

Its actually feels quite patriotic to offshore a corporation to reduce costs – and increase your bonus

And, when stuff breaks we just curse ‘cheap chinese sh*t’, But not the All-American brand importer

These days the so-called late adopters are really just smart folk waiting for the imported knock-offs

Cut-Rate imported foods & drugs are made to higher standards than their plastic junk, Sure they are!

But, industry self-regulation mandates a handsoff & not responsible attitude toward foreign suppliers

That’s why the cheaper at any cost philosophy has been so very profitable for clever multinationals

We don’t condone workers slaving 7x18 & living 15 to a room,but we do support it with our purchases

It’s not our problem if our need for savings removes environmental issues from producers priorities

It’s also certainly not our concern that peasant laborers cannot afford to buy the products they build

After all, most of that bad stuff happens faraway and overseas so it cannot possibly affect us at all

So, it’s OK if stripmining the ocean is the most efficient way to cheaper AllUCanEat seafood nites out

And burning coal to power our air-conditioners wins if it costs patriotic consumers the very least

Subsidizing frack-first & declare bankruptcy later due to clean up costs yields us cheap energy today

CorPro subsidized,water-gulping,pesticided,GMO-based monocrops on vast tracts yield $1.00 snacks

It’s just smart business to produce meat by focusing solely on cost-containing its factory production

Funny how the cable, internet & cell oligarchies don’t have to compete on price though, ain’t it?

You must admit, its easier & less confusing for consumers to simply shop the bottom line-all the time

Meanwhile, foolish trend-setters pay 3-4X as much for the same stuff we’ll pick up later at Wal*Mart

Uninspected chinese baby food is far cheaper than ours and probably theres no longer melamine in it

Same goes for their tainted drywall that was the cheapest available but got lots of people real sick

They’ve certainly decontaminated those chicken stick snacks that killed off 3-400 of our family dogs

And Wild Caught Alaska Salmon that’s such a buy but ‘product of China’:Not to worry…it’s clean, right?

Those dirt cheap imported phones, tablets & laptops aren’t pickled in spyware either…They promise!

Its a shame we cant outsource healthcare cause maybe then we could even compare treatment costs

And don't forget, we need disposable, quietly-illegal pickers to cheat so we can have cheap tomatoes

So, it’s such a great deal, it doesn’t matter if we buy way more than we need and toss half of it away

The Pursuit Of A Programmed Happiness

All men are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights…

Living large on credit cards, speeding by in fancy cars and dressing up like we was like movie stars

Asskissing, backstabbing, shoulderclimbing & downkicking my way to that penthouse office in the sky

It’s like this: a trillion totally selfish & blindly greedy decisions per day optimize our collective future

So it is, in the end truly and most importantly as I must always remember: Only and all just about me

Besides, the free market solves all our problems automagically simply by meeting my vanity demands

So, I only need to go for the gusto, live for today and try to stop & smell the roses along the way

Because Hey! God wants me to prosper: Our mega-church preacher told me so along with 1500 others

Anyways, it does seem that I can only measure my happiness by short-term changes to my net worth

The concerns of others cannot not bind me for I was created to pursue my own individual happiness

Some struggle to save the environment or to solve social problems but I was born to get ahead

And I expect the same from all the corporate entities whose stock is creating my retirement nestegg

I’m not interested in their being socially-responsible either but they must maximize their stock price

Don’t care if it’s coal or dogshit-fired, I just wanna be able to twist that thermostat when I want to

I simply must step over these homeless moochers every day on the way to fulfilling my own destiny

Its like, I have no time to recycle now but when I get really rich I may hire someone to do it for me

I tell ya, my ramtuf hemi pickup makes me feel so gooood when it throws off a smoke cloud real loud

No worry if they fall again for my next investment scam - they can go squeal for another govt bailout

Dont see how this whatever national infrastrcture mess has any bearing on the wishes I need to fulfill

When I want a burger I aint got time ta fuss over that like food animal holocaust suppozedly goin on

But, it is good to know that just keeping to our own wants & needs helps bring us all a better future

So, with stirring patriotic fervor, I strive for new cars, mansions, yachts, servants & a trophy wife

And, staying ahead on these measures assures me that I am winning big on the class warfare front

You see I combine my pursuit of happiness with the socially-Darwinian struggle we must all undertake

And I am grateful to companies that continually bring out new products that spur on my noble pursuit

Luckily, just by fulfilling our implanted marketers dreams we help ensure a brighter future for us all

I don’t get all like neurotic worrying about saving the world - Cause I just need to watch out for me

And yeah, I think my dad died happy…he was talking up his new car just 3 days before he left us

I did have to step on a few faces to get where I am but it was all in joyful, self-centered competition

So, we toast ourselves at fine restaurants and enjoy a fleeting sociopathic sense of self-satisfaction

If it’s new, I want it first. If it’s hot, I want the most expensive. If it’s scarce, I want the most.

And its not just about materialism, crushing the competition on my way up also satisfies me deeply

And don’t forget that my happiness also includes the pursuit of relaxing gasoline-powered recreation

BTW, I’m damn sure that the markets will blindly manage any so-called environmental problems, too

You see, simply by chasing my own implanted needs I really do help to make the world a better place

God bless America and our creator-revealed constitutional right to the pursuit of individual happiness

And, happily, I can look forward to an eternity of vapid wish fulfillment, up there in His paradise

Vainerabilities: The Vulnerabilities Of Vanity

He was this so-handsome man with the world at his fingertips, lots of money and boy what a charmer

She could have done anything but she just couldn’t resist racing out every time a camera appeared

Unable to admit he might have made a mistake he was forced to stay the course & never flip-flop

Her looks assured her that she deserved to be served the good life: Cars,clothes,jewels & McMansions

He failed at manual or intellectual labor but starred reading other’s speeches during big meetings

Being dressed fashionably was obviously her extreme priority…because other people would notice

His career & fame went off like a skyrocket but, as always, he just had to fondle one more bimbo

In the end, she fell into a fatal depression troweling on layers of makeup that could not hide her age

Sitting in his sports car with a young woman he did not feel like the wrinkled old fool in the rearview

She tried hard not to notice the liver spots crowding in on her pounds of expensive jewelry

The only time he professed ignorance was when his minions were caught performing his illegal orders

They both knew they were different, and a cut above the oh-so ordinary masses bred to serve them

He found it very satisfying to have waiters, servants & administrative assistants fawning upon him

He designed a giant vacation home they never used that was so hideous his estate could not sell it

Every one of the many cars he owned always had to be cleaned and shined religiously - By others

She knew for sure that everyone was looking at her as they graced the toney shopping streets

Happiness was seeing themselves properly projected on some media or another for all to see

They never really had time to study others except those rivals who got more attention than they did

He’d lend his name to most any charity so long as he got top billing in the slick advertising campaign

The ForSale signs at all her listings simply had to give over the most space to her frozen botox smile

When they finally arrested him he had already wasted his swindled millions on vapid faux-luxuries

She knew that they were both above and outside of most laws, which were obviously meant for losers

He loved that feeling of importance having an expensive lawyer as his mouthpiece to the crowds

They enjoyed sipping champagne in their firstclass seats watching as the cattle crowd slowly boarded

He fondled his combover between every sales call as he checked his winning smile in the mirror

It was obvious to her that the pursuit of happiness meant her winning at any cost to her opponents

He needed that bonus more than the employees he laidoff and outsourced to get it could ever grasp

But, way too shortly after finally filling his 19 car garage, that gnawing emptiness began once again

She enjoyed having men lust after her as she passed by gazing haughtily away, her nose held high

They both lovingly maintained deep tans despite all those FDA warnings they very smirkingly ignored

She felt so attractive in high heels she wore them until she couldn’t walk normally at all, anymore

He was the one they always counted on to charm cranky widows into investing heavily with their firm

They were quite miffed when police officers disregarded their tantrums and simply handcuffed them

Their children were mere props in their photo-essay, quickly handed back to domestics with accents

But you see, it wasn’t their fault, for they had been praised & coddled since birth for their looks

Surely they couldn’t be blamed for feeling entitled given all the little people holding doors for them?

Real Slow ‘Merican Decay

Shyte aint gonna blow up like in yer hollywood blockbusters, civilizations gunna just slowly fade away

Ya wont have ta take the pickup out ta the woods with guns blazin - yu’ll just wither in yer apartmint

Gov’t healthcare death panels aint gonna cum fer gramaw - She’ll just lay there, out of it - fer years

The librals wont get ta give over our precious sovernty ta that atheistic, commonistic UN b4 you go

The roads’ll just slowly get worse and we’ll start boilin our drinkin water and heatin with wood again

The dam vaccinations was just killin off our darlin children enaway, so good-gubye ta that conspiracy

The whtever lektrik grid’ll just slowly shrivel til thers maybe 4 hrs service/day and then only in town

Timesavin chinese household goods wont be so easy ta cum by what with the failin transport network

You proly wont be goin out ta eat 10er12 times a week anymore as yer buyin power is rampin down

They’ll be wheelin you outta the ER without near as much free treatment as you was used ta gettin

Hey, there’ll still be good ole foopawl on the big screen, but you won’t be buyin no latest Samstung

Relax, it aint gonna be no massive catastrophe changin the Entire world like overnight or somethin

Yeah, yer teeth’ll slowly hurt worse and worse, but you’ll stay used to that, what with good old Oxy

And the old ladys growths from the tanning booth…they’ll just keep getting bigger, redder and uglier

Cataracts’ll slowly make stuff looks dim and blurry and stronger readin glasses won’t helpya at all

Meanwhile, yer hypertension, atherosclerosis, diabetes, obesity & COPD will all just silently increase

CorProAg will slowly but very surely poison our bountiful soil even as they destroy its fertility as well

Illiterate illegals and non-english speakin overbreeders will stealthily suk us down into the 3^rd-world

Relax, it’ll be years for your children blame their hopeless situation on your sloth, greed & ignorance

Yup, you can proudly shout ‘This is ThE greatest country on the planet:USA,USA,USA!’ fer awhile yet

Them black helicopturs wont allsudden show up over yer house at nite, at least not for the time bein

Risin sea levels aint gonna take out yer dad’s condo down in flarida overnite er nothin

Tho yer taxes will raise up faster than inflation, yer entitlements will actually shrink, year after year

Political lies will have to keep on getting bigger to cover the reality gap, but it’s a real slow process

We wont be able to afford food inspectors but industry self-regelation will surely keep us pretty OK

Them weathr and GPS satellites will slowly wink out but you’ll still have cell service for quite a while

Yet, freedom loving patriots can smile cuz that jobkillin EPA will simply hafta be cut: Year after year

Oh, but you’ll hear lotsa teeth gnashin over possible smaller increases to our sacred dEfense budget

Slowly, real slowly youll lose yer ATVs, Jetskis, snowmachines, dirt bikes & giant pickups ta crediters

No worries yet, it’ll be a while for it hurts justa get outta bed even after a rare good nite’s sleep

They’ll keep the family in burger fer years by usin formerly non-edible portionsa cow carcasses

Your medicare aint gonna be canceled tomorra but one day you won’t find no doctors who accept it

You can keep on fightin that climate change by twistin yer coal-fired thermostat fer years ta come

And, yup, we’ll still have more nukes, land mines & chemical weapons than allathem ferin heathens

Them toxic wastes aint gonna kill us off even though they will keep on slowly buildin up insidea us

But, one thing that aint never gonna change is ur faith & trust in the absolute trutha that Good Book

Avoid These Polite Conversation Killers

If you can’t say something politically correct, just say something totally inconsequential…

You just shut up about ‘Yes, We Can’ actually being just one more ad man’s empty campaign slogan

We won’t even discuss the omissions, misrepresentations and lies that already cost over a $Tr in Iraq

Nobody wants to hear about fixing corpro-agriculture if it might cost them any extra at all for Doritos

Just don’t mention that ThE Greatest Country on ThE Planet only leads the Undeveloping World

Where’s a benefit to facing the fact that your kids future clearly is not nearly as bright as yours was?

Who’s going to worry much about that climate change scam Republican leaders know is pure BS?

Shushup over exporting a temporary glut of fracked natural gas, again with no plan for when its gone

We’ll stifle statistics that the poor & ignorant are wildly outbreeding ye of the educated middle class

You cannot say: Our Natives & Blacks must have issues if they can be held down for so long - So easily

Only a traitor would dare speak out against outspending the next 20 countries combined on dEfense

Thou shalt not speculate that victims of the obesity plague might shoulder any personal responsibility

It’s political suicide to admit that we must all pay higher taxes and get less benefits just to scrape by

Don’t even whisper of the insurance & drug industry deals cut to get that Obamacare shoved thru

You just wont get away with demanding childbearing licenses as well as requiring two parent families

Dont bring up the false promises of the good new jobs of tomorrow made when they outsourced us

Stop calling their dogma of eternal GDP growth just another fairytale, too-big-to-fail, pyramid scam

Dont discuss how doctors can make $400/hr up til age 80 but you have to be <30 to code a stupid app

Its off topic to ask why top corpro rungs are only for furtive one-track shoulder-climbing psychopaths

Never ever, even whisper that sainted Israel practices what the Nazis did to them on the Palestinians

Don’t ask how we actually have a vibrant, structurally sound economy with 20% of us on food stamps

We won’t even calculate business losses resulting from promotions based solely on affirmative action

Better not go around belittling football and all of its brainwashed, bacon & beer-loving worshipers

You won’t hear how the Wall Street banks got way too much bigger to fail again, so forget about that

Theres no need to broadcast that cable, internet and cell service cost more here than anywhere else

Politicians hope you wont notice they work 2½ days/week in Washington and go fund-raising the rest

We’ll never debate whether holiday shopping isn’t one of thE most important news stories every year

Our right to uber-loud fireworks, jake-brakes, pickups and harleys is rightly not even under scrutiny

Shut up and hold the door for them as they go home early again, for their kids - with their equal pay

So, you think that the main problem with the education system is parenting? Don’t you dare go there

We’ll simply ignore the increasing Jihadi activity going on from Morocco all the way over to Indonesia

Nobody wants to talk low-priority issues like economic sustainability, much less habitat preservation

Who the hell cares if our landfills overflow with valuable recyclables marinating in our toxic wastes?

No, you shouldnt finally tell them that they’re not really very special, even though they all got prizes

Can’t label those leeching seamlessly from unemployment to disability to social security as moochers

How dare you even dream of a support group just for displaced white men? You racist, Nazi pervert!

Mustn’t voice the heresy that Christianity is as dogmatic, wornout & irrelevant as that tired socialism

Don’t Worry About These Boring Facts

It’s OK...You can stay fixed solely upon unemployment, GDP, gun control, abortion and your next eGizmo

You needn’t ever ponder upon the fact that each gallon of gas you waste produces 19 pounds of CO2

Not to worry that NASA predicts irreversible collapse and the NSF warns of dire climate changes

Don’t be concerned that 80 thousand acres of rainforest and 135 species disappear, every single day

Your Timmie likely isn’t among the 535k American kids aged 1-5 who has brain-destroying lead levels

Forget about the fact that soil erosion from careless corporate farming costs $37.6 billion per year

That your kids rank 21^st out of 23 developed countries in numeracy should not cause you to lose sleep

Its just alarmism when engineers say we must spend $3.6Tr by 2020 on boring infrastructure projects

Just keep ignoring the food animal holocaust that goes on out of sight and enjoy your factory chicken

Keep on watering your lovely bluegrass since that impending water shortage surely wont affect you

You have health insurance at work so you don’t even need to think about how much that care costs

You only have a couple drinks a day so the $223.5 billion yearly toll for alcohol abuse isn’t your issue

So what if 47 million Americans are on food stamps, it’s only like 1 out of 6 of all of us, anyway

You’re barely 10-15 pounds overweight so don’t be fussing over this whatever obesity epidemic

Don’t worry cause you rarely have time to exercise – you’re part of the 80% of us who never do

Should you be concerned just cause we toss 100 billion plastic bags after one use every year? Nah.

Like you should be upset that kids spend more time with tv & smart screens than on all school stuff

The disappearance of monarch butterflies & honey bees cannot possibly have a consequence for you

In terms of your life, the fact that 21% of US adults can’t read at a 5^th grade level is quite immaterial

Just cause 97% of wacko climate scientists believe in that Global Warming scam doesn’t make it true

No need to get riled up about a little mercury from those patriotic coal-fired power plants in our fish

Don’t get upset just cause there’s all kinds of drug leftovers in our lakes, rivers and tap water, either

It’s no big deal if 36% of so-called baby-boomers now aged 55 and over have less than $10k saved up

No worries that the 14 million on disability don’t count as unemployed but cost us $260 billion a year

Look, don’t get all riled up just cause it costs $500 to get one stitch for a little cut at New York ERs

The $4-6Tr we will wind up spending on misguided MidEast crusades should not keep you up at night

Don’t stress out just because 1.372 billion people on earth must survive on less than $1 per day

After all, at least 6 out of our 7 billion own cellphones though only 4.5 billion have access to toilets

Not to sweat the 22,000 homeless kids in that greatest of all the world cities - New York, NY USA

Too bad new college grads owe $29k and 53% are unemployed or don’t need degrees for their jobs

The 40% of Americans who believe in Creationism do not pose a threat to either you or the nation

Factory fleet overfishing & bycatch kill have no connection with your taste for AllUcanEat seafood

There’s really no need to panic just cause 95% of income gains from 2009-2012 went to that top 1%

Does your 24x7 eConnected family even care that now the design of your eToys has been outsourced?

It’s probably OK that al-Qaeda isn’t almost dead but, in fact, growing from africa across to asia

What do you care if the $19B/yr ivory smuggling business blows away cute Save The Rhino campaigns And, does it really affect your family at all that the US ranks 46^th globally in freedom of the press?

I’m Afraid Of The Doctor...Bills

Medical Bills Are the Biggest Cause of US Bankruptcies - cnbc.com/id/100840148

Just thinking about the OMG-size bills makes me so afraid I can’t even consider an appointment

I’ll hafta let this thing on my arm alone a while longer, maybe it’ll just go away on its own afterwhile

Last time both the insurance corp and my doctor quickly turned me over to a nasty collection agency

Now the ER bills me 3 times as much as they did before I lost all my coverage when I was offshored

I know I should be brave but I’m just scared of having to go bankrupt cause I cant pay my doctor bills

And I keep having to see these specialists making $400/hr who read my name so warmly in greeting

I want to be a big boy but the thought of financing an operation as costly as a house really scares me

But the dentist and the optometrist dont worry me - cause I won’t ever be visiting either of them

They always find new stuff & put me on more drugs while I keep garbage-gorging and never exercise

But we cut our health costs by skipping checkups and cutting back on the expensive tests & drugs

Besides, we fear if we use any benefits beyond our $20k deductible our insurance rates will double

Just let my crippled back wait cause Mom needs a new hip, cataract surgery and 14 different meds

It scares me cause the docs are above talking about what stuff costs and there’s no way to compare

So, that’s why I’m laying in bed awake at 3AM praying nervously that none of us gets sick tomorrow

I used to just be scared of gettng shots but now its healthcare-driven financial ruin that frightens me

And I know I cant become one of those greedy moochers always sniffing round for more entitlements

I quake like crazy just hearing that a $2000 5 minute ambulance ride is only a small billing appetizer

Cause once the doc is done and I’m at home, the true pain - that is, the financial pain - really begins

I remember how I trembled getting stitches - just like I shake now when another statement arrives

Oh, please don’t make me have to go to the doctor - cause I’m just so afraid it’ll break us for good

So now I just trust my atherosclerosis, high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity and COPD to the Lord

I’m so stressed over my overdue treatment bills that I cant quit smoking or get off the Oxy, just yet

It’s just that TV says getting 1 stitch for a little cut costs like $4000 at the hospital - Oh shyte!

The kids ask me all the time about what dentists are for and where do people go to get those glasses

Thought I retired early without any debt but now I got this $1500/mo health insurance ARM mortgage

Workers get free, untaxed healthcare benefits but I cant even write off my after tax $ premiums…

The administrators cant even tell me if I’ll be covered til it’s over - but I am responsible if it’s not

To them it was just a minor medical coding error, but it completely ruined my credit rating for years

Anyways, our neighbor went to the hospital, picked up some superbug and never came home again

But, we’re lowering our expenses by decreasing the doses on all of our costly, lifesaving medications

I hearda this Affordable Care Act & I’ll tell ya, it looks a whole lot better than that dam Obamacare

And now with this gov’t healthcare takeover them freeloaders are takin up alla our doctors time

If I can just get on disability after unemployment, medicaid’ll kick in until I get on medicare at 65

Why, I might even consider startin some kina st00pid exercisin pogrom just ta save on medical bills

But no, I’m not givin up my place in the doublemeat drivethru fer no lameass kale & tofu sandwich

I can’t believe the nice doctor cut off my cancer treatments…just as soon as they bankrupted me

Forgotten First Responders And Stressed Citizenry

I got stuck in some stupid accident traffic jam, had to call in late and so I missed our big meeting

Jelly-rolled an unconscious 330 pound guy out of the twisted wreckage of his shiny, giant pickup

Spilled some coffee on my tie and got so-stressed-out trying to clean it before the customers arrived

Did CPR on a poor little old lady for 20 minutes til she coded – I got so tired I thought it was me dying

Had to walk thru wind & rain all the way from the parking lot and my hair got all wet and messed up

Got face to face with a girl having problems breathing and we found out later we all need TB tests

Hung around work an extra hour again and the wife was mad cause I was late for dinner, once more

Today started 48 hours ago and we had calls throughout both nights but I’ve just got to stay sharp

Suffered thru conference calls all morning - sipping lattes and twerking with my phone

Ground my teeth with every step due to the unremitting pain from my job-induced back injuries

Had trouble getting fired up by our new strategic vision given the clear meaninglessness of our goals

Actually helped out a person during one of the worst days of their life, once again today…

Updated my lame project status, ate customer lunch leftovers & then ducked out 15 minutes early

Repeatedly sterilized the blood and vomit filling our ‘office’ to make way for the next unfortunate

Had to run a couple errands at lunch and was nearly deafened by those stupid sirens

Smacked a tortilla grease apartment fire in the mouth before it could engulf the 15 1-Bdr occupants

Got in a nice nap pretending to studiously ponder a Gannt chart during the after-lunch Sominex hour

Loudly toned out to a possible gas smell at 3AM just after I had managed to finally fall asleep again

Spent an hour piddling with paying off my maxed credit card using my 401K - on company time

Remained thankful I had these 3 jobs I work 96 hours a week that almost keep us in the middle class

Spent the evening enjoying the faux-luxury of my over-leveraged McMansion - by drinking heavily

Shared quarters with the 20 somethings playing videos & games all nite while I worried about my kids

Went straight to my manager when a co-worker got a newer and nicer office chair than mine

Wondered why everybody said they admired what we do, but why we can never find enough medics

Adroitly maneuvered responsibility (and blame) onto another old contractor nobody really liked

Got puked on by that hairy homeless frequent flyer drunk who always smells so badly of urine

Won big at video poker for the entire duration of that urgent project all-hands video conference call

Remembered too late that I had ignored a text from my kid just as we arrived on one more scene

Almost tripped over some useless begging moocher panhandling in front of the office building

Don’t wonder anymore why somebody in so much pain would explicitly beg just for hydrocodone

My poor feet got really sore from wearing those high-heels all day, once again

My body doesn’t know when it’s time to sleep anymore so I just roll with extreme energy drinks 24x7

Had to have whiskeys with the boys to cut the incredible stress of working in the finance industry

Learned that another burned out co-worker took a better-paying days only job in customer support

Was presented a lunch coupon for work on another useless, late, over-budget & incomplete project

Got a nice card from a family I couldn’t remember who we had extricated from a smashedup minivan

Grabbin fer gusto as I smelt them roses

Lost course in the currents of their waving sea of distortions, omissions, exaggerations and halftruths

Had another sudden & lifechanging inspiration as I sucked down the dregs of just one more cold drink

Heard the latest bad news walking the pocked & dirty streets once again, upon these tired old feet

Watched as leaders cagily evaded any blame by offloading all responsibility for their many failures

Tried to skip all the ads but the jingles kept playing inside my head til I soaked them up with vodka

Saw the lights of our great city from a hill, faroff & above all the dirt & noise, inside my ragged tent

Talked to my old dog about the man who had once beaten her so often, yet always so unexpectedly

Found myself once again sideslipping down the steep leading edge of yet another stupid trend curve

Held her hand for just a moment and felt her slip away – well, so much for our being forever together

Realized too late the meaninglessness of all the projects my managers pushed as so vitally important

Swam out past the breakers and saw things differently, rolling up and down on coolblue pacific swells

Just looking at them I had to laugh out loud whenever they told me that I had’nt changed a bit

No longer able to flee the questions that upset me, I blindly swallowed some stale religious fairytale

Safely depersonalized the myriad sufferings of others from the comfort of my couch control center

Felt strangely empty if I was not actively pursuing the latest Gen of our most-must-have-now, eGear

Yes, I traveled thousands and thousands of miles, but darn – I was just commuting to & from work

Grew weary of their attempts to control me with their phony suits and one-way political correctness

Lost sympathy for the truly poor seeing how well the real pros worked the same corners every day

Watched out the window in silent awe as new convenience stores carved up formerly good farmland

Remained convinced I was well above average in all respects - despite my ongoing current situation

Voted straight republican as I seamlessly segued from unemployment to disability to social security

Dinit need no dam obamacare cuz my medicaid and medicare waz always ther fer my family

Made sure I didn’t read too much after seeing what it done to alla them dam scientists and liberals

Learned to relax and get comfortable by twerkin the big screen instead of doin boring housework

Went on a trip Out West & grabbed selfies at everonea them naturel marvelsa this great landa ours

Donno if I was offshored, outsourced, downsized or laidoff but now I’m broke & in early retirement

Waited for weeks for Labor Day but simply could not remember what we done for it - Just last year…

Often derived a blissful satisfaction from my latest purchases - For up to 20 full minutes at a time!

Learned ta hate at the sound of buzzphrases uttered by puppet opinion leaders pushing fake eNews

Slept with my guns and old bible but still feared for the sound of their black helicopters in the night

Bought more than we needed cuz it was on sale: And thoughtlessly discarded half as spoiled leftovers

Grew weary of gumint inactivity, infighting & incompetence even as I grew fatter, dumber & lazier

Tried real hard to make my kids like me - Guess that’s why they’re back livin at home in their 30s

Crammed my head with sports stats and lines from ads and movies cause that’s what really mattered

Grabbin fer gusto as I smelt them roses helped me ignore the black truth athat onrushin empty void

Now I tremble laying here all tubed, knowing life has to go on, but only this time it’ll be without me

We Got No Need Fer Fekin Readin

1 of 7 American adults find anything more advanced than children’s books to be very challenging – nces.ed.gov, 2009.

Lissen, I got no need ta read cuz I gotta smartphone ta look up any kinda stuff I gotta know about

The register makes change for me at my job so WTF do I need to know how to do like math for

Hey, spellin just aint importent in this modern world were tweetin on thru

Oh, right, like I might need ta read subtitles on some boring and stupid forin movie

Proud ta say we don’t own nonea them useless books, cept the King James – not emen a checkbook

Well, just what would I read anyways, some wack liberal NYTimes or NPR government fake news?

No sir, ta keep up ta date on them libral schemes, we’ll jest keep her locked right here on the Fox

Like I munna sedown and read that 15 page legal docament contract ta my iPhone: Nobody else does

Yup, we signed that mortgage - but it was all jest a packa legal lies and fraud we dinit really get

But there aint nonea that fineprint in the bible so all that’s just the devil’s handiwork ta be ignored

You just ax anybody, them sientists is a buncha sissy geeks whatre so way outta touch with reality

But I got thousandsa sports satistcs regardin my belovd home team right up here & at my fingertips

Ta me, litercy today means knowin how ta runa touch screen and such

And everbody knows ya sure don’t need yearsa schoolin ta sort out the hogwash comin outta google

That is, my criticel thinkin skeels don’t rely on some backbonea school book learnin ta work right

Look, you just back off, I can read any restrint menu I might actually want to…

So, ya see it jest aint important to are lifestyle if my kids test out behind like them whateffin Finns

But I’ll be happy ta swap soundbites with them yella-belly librels - or small arms fire fer that matter

The real men I watch in HD don’t set there readin and shit, they bend down in tights and get after it

And as fer writin - now just what on god’s green earth is that supposed ta actuelly be for?

You can take yer grammer, spellin and whatever punktuation and u just go see how far it gets u

After all, too much lernin jest destroys a guys good god-given common sense, aint ya seen?

Enaways, I got an app that’ll read eny stuff I really need - right out loud ta me

Really, getting us ta read all the time is jest one waya gettin our attention offa ther socialist plots

I don’t hafta like like do the math on my job and they aint payin me ta read no gotdam books, ether

Hey I can read the numbers on my Lotto tickets good enough to know that it’s better luck next time

And who really gives a shit about them whatever hunrert or so ingreedints in abaga Doritas, anyway?

Watchin shit blow up in HD is way more stimulatin than settin all quiet in some corner just readin

Enaways, if you caint get it ta fit it inta a 30 second soundbite you aready lost my attintion

Alla them collige gradu8ts workin over ta that elitist Starbucks aint needin ta read nothin, so there

And ya know, it aint plitically correct or HUD-Approved ta favor bookworms over us common folks

Readins just about as importent as stuff like that BS recicling, and theyll hafta pay me ta do that too

Hey they aint denyin unqualified LBGT, handycapped wimmen acolor promotions cuz theys illiterate

Now look, Don’t ya think if readin was so dam vital that I’d already know about it?

Busides, alla them installation instructions was translated by hindis from whatever chinese nonsense

Enaway, I really caint make out anya them little-teeny squiggles and I caint afford no gotdam glasses

Heaven On Earth for Fox and Friends

How it could be, out from under their fredom smotherin elitist conspearacy

Everbodyd be fingerin concealed weapons in all public places, lookin out ta pincushion some shootr

That overreachin EPA’d be jest a bad memory that caint hobble our blessed family lifestyles no more

You wutnt never hear no more fool harpin on the fictshunal evilsa doublemeat bacon cheeseburgers

Gas’d be an affordable $2 a gallon like it rightly auter be in a truly freed-up dumestic energy market

Foopball would last all year long and we won’t be dippin no brocolli or carrots with our Doritas

Government wouldn’t be subsidizin wimpy hybrids over gutsy diesel family pickups no way - no more

We’d give back stolen federal lands ta the people – big oil, real estate men and ATV adventurers

Alla our leaders’d make big decisions, like destroyin them islamic fanatics, with ther saviours counsel

We’d swap out their elementary school hands-on sex-ed manuals fer copysa school prayers & bibles

A free, unObamacared marketplace would see ta the healtha all our people, with utmost efficiency

Wacko protesters against such as mountain top removal coal mining would be given firehose therapy

Dope smokers’d be pilloried nexta neighborhood bars tabe spit on or kicked by patriotic alcoholics

Boys, that NPR & PBS’d be shutdown faster than you kin spout a single Fair and Balanced soundbite

We’d hustle the US outta that lame one world UN and get it way the hell outta this fair land of ours

Our borders would be secured but employers could still mistreat and cheat throwaway illegal workers

The gument’d get right outta the binessa species preservation, pollution control & CO2 nonsense

Alla them moochers’d be shoved off welfare, disablility, unemployment, food stamps & medicaid

No more ragging BS gov’t ads about cholesterol, diabetes, obesity, exercise or blood pressure

Bush & Cheney’d be right up there, on Mt Rushmore with Reagan and Trump and them other heroes

We’d sure enough end that lameass reinterduction and kill alla them shittin wolves & grizzlies – agin!

All of us’d get free rEfIs with lowered principal and interest rates sos we kin tap some more equity

Them spotted owls, blind desert pupfish and such crap would hafta adapt ta progress or move out

That sin of sodomy would be treated just like the bible says it should – without no medical benefits

We’ll all be filled with ignorant pride parrotin canned soundbites and forwardin unquestioned tweets

Heroic CEOS’ll bring in them good-payin jobsa tomorrow which they promised when they offshored us

We’ll all be kickin global warmin ass just by adjustin down our patriotically coal-fired A/C units

Our dEfense would finally be rebuilt after decades of cowardly peacenik liberal decimation

Alla them minorties would finally see how ther innerests line rite up with old white republican men

They’d be no more talk regardin the rightsa souless cows, pigs & chickens ta whatever like dignity

That silly reciclying nonsense would surely be just a funny memory, same as them lame snowflakes

Everbody will agree that there organic crap was just a spensiv, bad-tasting, not-too-nutritious scam

We’ll all recognize that clean water, air and shit are god-given rights that don’t need no regelatin

That Arab obama would not only be known as the worst president but he’ll still be in jail fer treason

Wouldn’t have ta worry bout them traiterous socialists getting they hands on our medicare no more

Wont hear no more talk about raisin taxes on the brave entrepeenurs who create the jobs fer alla us

Private inerprize’ll build any new roads, bridges, waterworks, sewers and such what we may need

Keepin Our Priorities Straight

Today, the country pays the price for the left-wing ideologies that ran rampant in the 20th century – The American Conservative

Not wastin no funds like rebildin old bridges, failin sewers, bad roads, lektrik grids & water supplies

Gotta shove them illegales back without no amnesty but I sure aint gonna go pick that gotdam brocolli

Aint inerested in hearin about like shattered ecasystems cause they ain’t hurt me none at all

But orchestrated celebrity wardrobe malfunctions are definitely worth menshinin…quite often

Not even gonna consider their wacko BS bout some looming global fresh water shortage craptrap

Now, the threata gun control…That’s somethin we always gotta be perpetchile on alert for

You can jest STF-up yer fact-fudgin, elitist, global warmin power grab, ya traitrus libral snowflakes

But we do need ta hurryup & get them moochers off medicaid, unemploymint, foodstamps & disabilty

CorproAg dead soil, antibiotics, fertilizer & pesticide abuse, GMOs & water waste are jest irrevelent

Now then, let’s set down and talk foopbawl stats - and ax me how my fantasy league picks are doin

Yr bogus human-caused mass estintion is bout as critical ta me as the bugs smashed on my winshield

More importntly, I’m busy decidin shud I buy a new jetski, snowmachine, ATV, RV or a dirtbike next

The dignitya factory meat and the proper treatment of ther wastes aint no parta my buyin decisions

Damn straight we gotta stop teachin this unproven evilution over god’s absulute lawr of creationism

Aint no fairytale NewAge sustainabilly dopesmoke gonna affect my next vote, none at all, whatsoever

I do wanna know when them good jobsa tamarra they promised when they offshored us are comin in

Unending goverment shutdown crises are gonna earn us some real political victerys real soon now

Busides, the most important thing is ta make sure our libral enemies don’t get nethin done at all

We’ll take viralized soundbites over their shady and twisted so-called scientific satistics, anytime

Its vital ta spend more time studyin cell plans & credit card rates than on boring like retirement plans

I aint doin that wack reciclin crap unlest and until they start paying me ta do it - like they shud

Them quiet overpriced habrids are fer them meterosexuls and such. Me & my Ram-tough hemi rule.

That big shit called the Dead Spot the Mississippi takes with our toxins in the Guf aint on my radar

Leaders gotta talkta ther personal saviors when makin such decsions as liberatin them evil califates

The healtha this country aint measured by the cunditiona them convenient sewers, AKA our rivers

Everbudy knows that like GDP and the Unemployment numbers are the real measuresa our progress

Mountain top removal and power plant mercury emissions aint rightly parta any bill fer coal-fired A/C

Chicken crap from squeezed producers that’s killin chesapeake bay oysters don’t even matter to me

Jest cuz u caint go swimmin or eat the fish yer kids catch aint no reason ta get all like preturbed

Keepin in mind that this overpopelation myth flys right in the facea gods order ta go out and multiply

Gotta get ridda socialist entitlements cuz they just stimulat them multi-generational welfare queens

We got no use fer this dam obamacare cuz we already get our healtcare fer free - Down to the ER!

Absulutly hafta get the gumint outta our biness but sniffin at all them emails, tweets & shit: A-OK!

It’s a sure thing that if it takes a collige dugree ta read it, it just aint worth knowin about enaway

Don need no gov’t nannyin on what ta eat and specially not ther lame meddlin junk about exercisin

Jest keep them 12 candy, salty snack & frozen treat aisles…and get that freerange shit outta my way