We Got No Need Fer Fekin Readin

1 of 7 American adults find anything more advanced than children’s books to be very challenging – nces.ed.gov, 2009.

Lissen, I got no need ta read cuz I gotta smartphone ta look up any kinda stuff I gotta know about

The register makes change for me at my job so WTF do I need to know how to do like math for

Hey, spellin just aint importent in this modern world were tweetin on thru

Oh, right, like I might need ta read subtitles on some boring and stupid forin movie

Proud ta say we don’t own nonea them useless books, cept the King James – not emen a checkbook

Well, just what would I read anyways, some wack liberal NYTimes or NPR government fake news?

No sir, ta keep up ta date on them libral schemes, we’ll jest keep her locked right here on the Fox

Like I munna sedown and read that 15 page legal docament contract ta my iPhone: Nobody else does

Yup, we signed that mortgage - but it was all jest a packa legal lies and fraud we dinit really get

But there aint nonea that fineprint in the bible so all that’s just the devil’s handiwork ta be ignored

You just ax anybody, them sientists is a buncha sissy geeks whatre so way outta touch with reality

But I got thousandsa sports satistcs regardin my belovd home team right up here & at my fingertips

Ta me, litercy today means knowin how ta runa touch screen and such

And everbody knows ya sure don’t need yearsa schoolin ta sort out the hogwash comin outta google

That is, my criticel thinkin skeels don’t rely on some backbonea school book learnin ta work right

Look, you just back off, I can read any restrint menu I might actually want to…

So, ya see it jest aint important to are lifestyle if my kids test out behind like them whateffin Finns

But I’ll be happy ta swap soundbites with them yella-belly librels - or small arms fire fer that matter

The real men I watch in HD don’t set there readin and shit, they bend down in tights and get after it

And as fer writin - now just what on god’s green earth is that supposed ta actuelly be for?

You can take yer grammer, spellin and whatever punktuation and u just go see how far it gets u

After all, too much lernin jest destroys a guys good god-given common sense, aint ya seen?

Enaways, I got an app that’ll read eny stuff I really need - right out loud ta me

Really, getting us ta read all the time is jest one waya gettin our attention offa ther socialist plots

I don’t hafta like like do the math on my job and they aint payin me ta read no gotdam books, ether

Hey I can read the numbers on my Lotto tickets good enough to know that it’s better luck next time

And who really gives a shit about them whatever hunrert or so ingreedints in abaga Doritas, anyway?

Watchin shit blow up in HD is way more stimulatin than settin all quiet in some corner just readin

Enaways, if you caint get it ta fit it inta a 30 second soundbite you aready lost my attintion

Alla them collige gradu8ts workin over ta that elitist Starbucks aint needin ta read nothin, so there

And ya know, it aint plitically correct or HUD-Approved ta favor bookworms over us common folks

Readins just about as importent as stuff like that BS recicling, and theyll hafta pay me ta do that too

Hey they aint denyin unqualified LBGT, handycapped wimmen acolor promotions cuz theys illiterate

Now look, Don’t ya think if readin was so dam vital that I’d already know about it?

Busides, alla them installation instructions was translated by hindis from whatever chinese nonsense

Enaway, I really caint make out anya them little-teeny squiggles and I caint afford no gotdam glasses

Oh Yeah, It’s Gods Will All Right

"God works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform."

There is a reason they walk barefoot thru muddy, trash-paved streets lugging tainted drinking water

Those devastated by huge floods can take heart knowing their suffering is all part of His greater plan

Of course there’s meaning to lives snuffed out without any dignity by failing trains, and rolling buses

Totally bereft earthquake victims can take solace in the fact that it all has a purpose and a meaning

Mothers of suicide bombers are comforted knowing their boys relax with 72 virgins “up” in paradise

The mass extinction we are causing is but a small part of the inscrutable will of our all-knowing God

Why only the greedy and sociopathic arise to lead us shall be revealed in the full richness of time

My diabetes, hypertension, atherosclerosis and COPD are but tiny pieces in an infinitely large picture

That billions must struggle just to survive on a dollar a day is but a small part of a beautiful mystery

The apparent emptiness of lives ended in filthy nursing home helplessness and fear is an illusion

Their targeting innocent schoolgirls with AK-47s and suicide vests will actually make sense in the end

There’s no need to be concerned that our ordained fruitful multiplication devastates this tiny planet

There is rhyme and reason in using bulldozers to bury mutilated corpses of the collaterally damaged

Our treating of the beasts of the fields as bulk factory raw material inputs requires no justification

Dying forests, drying rivers and spreading deserts are hints from an infinite incomprehensible wisdom

Smothering in O.D.’d vomit, cold, wet and dirty in a garbage-strewn alley is simply one isolated clue

He has led them to forsake scientific research to instead build complex, yet flawed financial scams

It’s God’s Will that his messengers on earth seduce children & perform sodomy, though both are sins

Killing for peace should not be a cause for confusion in our hearts - as will someday be made clear

Why our omnipotent God needs to test us though he already knows all results, stays beyond our grasp

We can only solve His cosmic riddle regarding our existence with a blind leap into deep religious faith

Certainly there is no need to question why He chose only us as His exceptional people on this earth

There is a hidden purpose to my watching football 16 hours a week and discussing stats another 10

He has a plan for the homeless so I ignore them daily and besides, I tithe weekly at my mega-church

God won’t command me to recycle and Jesus never preached of lowering consumption or energy use

Meddling with divine climate change is actually an act of human arrogance, far too full of our hubris

He commands we topple evil regimes which are actually the bedeviled client states of His false gods

It’s God’s will that those recruiting suicide bombers remain alive to gather new martyrs for His glory

Don’t fret over why my child chews lead-based paint chips while yours lives 99.9% bacteria free

There’s a far deeper meaning to blowing up occupied girls schools than it is now ours to be privy to

Mother’s lying senseless in her own wastes for many years of dementia must not sway our deep faith

With His silent pre-approval they scan our vapid tweets, texts, emails, cell calls and facebook posts

Under his plan I segued seamlessly from unemployment to disability and thence to my social security

That He chose lives of ignorance, poverty and suffering for them but not me is not mere random fate

So you see, we don’t have to ask why we alone are the entitled and exceptionist people of this world

We can sleep peacefully knowing that it’s all simply a small part of God’s perfect and mysterious plan

White Men To The Rear

Sir excuse me, Sir! could you please not be so loud? It makes us all so nervous we simply cannot think

You must learn to give equal opportunity so we can take our fair places, so, you just get to the back

Wait, wait, wait – Is that a handicapped non-veteran back there? Send him up if he’s vegan and quiet

Gays step forward, you’re coming up front with us - to remake the world in a more fashionable image

We don’t need to work 60 hr weeks to get ahead for we must attain a balanced life with equal pay

No, you dont get disability just cuz as a kid they always drugged you up ta make ya stay still in school

GaHead just ride off into the sunset with a 6Pack in ur ram tough truck - and dont bother comin back

Yeah, you better find meaning on yer Harley cuz you aint gonna get no satisfaction at work no more

You been in charge too long so you must just graciously step down…into impoverished minority status

Your good old boy network is racist and sexist, unlike empowerment groups for women, gays & blacks

Anyway, you do know damn well real men don’t go and whine at like whatever girly support meetings

Maybe that loud and doltish pride in your virgin ignorance will keep seeing you thru…or maybe not

You better start developing some kind of a handicap to ensure your place in our brave new workforce

After all, you cant pass the physical, mental or drug tests required to serve in our great armed forces

No, no! - Your obesity, high blood pressure and cholesterol don’t count towards our handicap quota

There’s no money to retrain you cause we gotta teach english to your amnestied illegal replacements

You aint never been victimsa prejudice so thers no reason ta create new entitlement programs faya

And don’t you go try startin white men only like awareness groups or such you neo-nazi monsters

Better start takin classes in metrosexuality sos you can communicate properly with yer new superiors

You can sleep well knowing you contribute to social equality - By givin up a decent standard of living

You’re right - Taking on college debt would be a bad investment because you’ll be hired the very last

Yes, you must pay child support & lifetime alimony even though she makes way more than you do

You’ll be the last ones to get affordable dental care but you’ll always be on your own for your eyes

By the way, keep yer nasty football viewing habit to yourselves and out of polite office conversations

Get used ta suckin up ta bored, fat and feisty womenAcolor government welfare administrators

Don’t even think about goin on some shootin rampage, just put that gun in yer own mouth, in silence

No, we don’t want no novels depicting empty struggles after yer fall from an entitled redneck grace

Sure, you can still vote, gahead: Choose any from our progressive slate of truly entitled minorities

You done lazed, drank and swilled yerselves sick and now a loud and arrogant pride is all you got left

You been outbred and outhustled by unending wavesa job-stealin immigrints and single mothers

You stay with the Fox ta make outraged soundbite sensea this corrupt and unfairly rigged new system

Hey, Look - ya still got yer personal savior who kin explain alla them overcomplicated issues taya

Better get used ta findin meanin in housecleanin and satisfaction from coupon clippin & kid schleppin

Learn not to get mad when yer ignored, rejected, forgotten, blown off, put down and laughed at

Realize that yer kids start off behind but then wont get the chances that others just take for granted

Best you adopt that victim mentality and pick up on the pro-moocher mindset…just sos ta get by

She’s All-American, Made In Chana

My blond girlfriend knows all the designer labels that come on her wayoverpriced high fashion outfits

But she couldn’t exactly say where her clothes or the pounds of cosmetics she trowels on come from

But those and alla her hair dyes, perfumes, shoes, and nail polish come straight outta Chana, too

Still, the brandnames of her cheapmade but expensive designer shit sound real honest and American

Her (i)Pod/Pad/Phone were also all built by them abused peasant serfs and she don’t know or care

Allathem too-cute disposable party favors for her sorority part_As are made by them little Asians, too

She don’t notice it, but her “Wild Alaska Salmon” also says “Product of Chana” in really teeny letters

But her booty is purely American…just like all the air inside her pretty and entitled little head

She’s a real internationalist cause she got drunk and thew up down in Cancun during spring break

She supports our boys overseas and it don’t matter that she caint find any Whateverstans on a map

Feels safe ridin in that 8 fat passenger SUV lookin out over top athem teeny, uncomfortable hybrids

Helps ta dress the poor with all the stuff others buy for her that she tosses out without wearin twice

Knows how to order only the best when somebody else takes her out to eat at a nice restaurant

But she don’t overeat, well, least not in public, so they just throw out half of what goes on her plate

Stays out of the way in the kitchen cause she never has learned how to cook and its yucky anyways

Knows lots of stars by first names and follows them like theyas close friends on that social media

She’s a real footbawl fan and always sets out the good chips and salsa with cold beer for her boys

Absolutely sure she’s the very entitled, exceptionist queen here in ThE Greatest Country On Earth

Not more than 10-12 lbs overweight, she’s got an expensive health club membership - if she needs it

Hardly misses a day in the tanning booth except when she can lay out by the apartment pool

Never had a job and certainly never expects to do more than maybe whatever volunteer or somethin

Got a degree in like business and she could pass that real estate exam anytime she really wanted to

But, she knows that welfare is for moochers and that medicare needs to be cut way back, real soon

Posts cute pictures of her and her friends dressed up and insists them smartphone sexts aint her

She’s an expert on makeup trends and she’s on top of all the latest in hollywood hairstyles

Gets a pedicure from a nice cambodian lady once a month whether she needs it or not

Never misses a day on the Pill and she knows that all abortions are simply the murder of little babies

The inside of her mouth costed more than years of fatherless children’s government assistance

Spends hours getting rid of unwanted hair but, on like reading and stuff - Not so much

Stays protected from elitists tryin ta enslave the world by not havin any real opinions of her own

Aint a natural smell comin out any parta her beautiful body

Why she could probably be that Next Supermodel if she really wanted to

Demandin equal pay but she’s gotta leave early again, and thanks for holding the door

Knows real well how to uptalk to the household help almost like they were real family or friends

Totally aware of what stuff she likes costs but not the faintest idea how much work it takes to earn it

Yup, she’s the flower and spirit of this great country and the reason we fight so hard for our freedom

Mass Identical eJourneys Of Self-Discovery

    I felt knowledge and the unity of the world circulate in me like my own blood.” ― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

Yes I’ll be making a deeply spiritual journey but I havent crowdsourced which road to travel this year

I must seek my true self somewhere far from the well-worn maze pathway I trace in the daily ratrace

I’ll lose my mind and discover myself- according to stuff I’ve been tweeted from certain bestsellers

And it won’t be long before I leave, no way! I just have a few more loose digital ends to tidy up

Wont need much besides my iPad - just my credit card and the overpriced travel clothes in my pack

Gonna head out to see the suffering that rules the world sos to reach a higher plane of consciousness

I’ll be getting twisted up in trendy yoga poses while I ponder the complexities of climate change

Broadening my horizons by holding my nose and tiptoeing thru their inescapably-crowded streets

I’m going off on a pilgrimage during which my normal life and busy thoughts will flake uselessly away

I’ll gaze upon the menial jobs of the filthy working poor to grasp the dignity of their grinding poverty

I’ll make a voyage of self-discovery and then step back in my cube with but a little cattle prodding

I’ll tour their swarming, filthy hives but spend almost all my time with other tourists, just like me

Gonna take back some life lessons learned photographing others from safely behind closed windows

Why, I’ll be gone close to 3 whole weeks, worrying every minute that I’ll be robbed, shot or infected

However, all the time I will hold tightly to the knowledge that I’ll be back home before I know it

Then I’ll integrate their gritty lessons into my ass-kissing and back-biting shoulder-climb to the top

Look for my pithy posts from identical dirty hostels run by world-weary, expatriate entrepreneurs

I’ll upload the photographic proof of my emerging spirituality on social media in near-realtime

See, I’m going off looking to raise my cosmic awareness and it’s not simply because I cant find a job

And I got bookmarks on all the highlights that I simply gotta see to nurture my eternal soul

I’ll be taking lots of pictures of stuff that I won’t ever even actually look at with my naked eyes

Yup, I’ll sneak soul-stealing snapshots of real people from our bus to hang in my cubicle, back home

Daringly, I might even brush my teeth in the tap water and possibly even try some local food

But mostly I’ll have beers with my new tourist friends in places where the natives can only work

I can spice my twitter feed with the nuggets of worldly wisdom that I am trying to digest here

Wearing dirty clothes and hardly ever getting a really decent shower, so does my understanding grow

Just watching out for my wallet and holding on to my passport requires a lot of my attention

Observing all the litter and their infinite dirty faces will surely raise my own level of enlightenment

I will adjust to their pace of living and kick back, yet diligently keep to my hard and fast schedule

My fellow travelers and I will share tips on hostels, tours, food and bars – all created just for us

Finding and successfully using an ATM will become an exotic adventure that I will always remember

And I will experience their culture just like I do their food – only in places made safe for such as us

I will learn to ignore the endless stream of trinket sellers and beggars with a soulful equanimity

I’ll be wearing local bracelets, tying my hair back in skinny dreds and not shaving, most of the time

I will try to keep repeating Om Mani Padme Hum as I squat forlorn and sick over a squalid asian toilet

I will learn patience waiting for the moment when none of the 1000 other tourists are in my picture