Grabbin fer gusto as I smelt them roses

Lost course in the currents of their waving sea of distortions, omissions, exaggerations and halftruths

Had another sudden & lifechanging inspiration as I sucked down the dregs of just one more cold drink

Heard the latest bad news walking the pocked & dirty streets once again, upon these tired old feet

Watched as leaders cagily evaded any blame by offloading all responsibility for their many failures

Tried to skip all the ads but the jingles kept playing inside my head til I soaked them up with vodka

Saw the lights of our great city from a hill, faroff & above all the dirt & noise, inside my ragged tent

Talked to my old dog about the man who had once beaten her so often, yet always so unexpectedly

Found myself once again sideslipping down the steep leading edge of yet another stupid trend curve

Held her hand for just a moment and felt her slip away – well, so much for our being forever together

Realized too late the meaninglessness of all the projects my managers pushed as so vitally important

Swam out past the breakers and saw things differently, rolling up and down on coolblue pacific swells

Just looking at them I had to laugh out loud whenever they told me that I had’nt changed a bit

No longer able to flee the questions that upset me, I blindly swallowed some stale religious fairytale

Safely depersonalized the myriad sufferings of others from the comfort of my couch control center

Felt strangely empty if I was not actively pursuing the latest Gen of our most-must-have-now, eGear

Yes, I traveled thousands and thousands of miles, but darn – I was just commuting to & from work

Grew weary of their attempts to control me with their phony suits and one-way political correctness

Lost sympathy for the truly poor seeing how well the real pros worked the same corners every day

Watched out the window in silent awe as new convenience stores carved up formerly good farmland

Remained convinced I was well above average in all respects - despite my ongoing current situation

Voted straight republican as I seamlessly segued from unemployment to disability to social security

Dinit need no dam obamacare cuz my medicaid and medicare waz always ther fer my family

Made sure I didn’t read too much after seeing what it done to alla them dam scientists and liberals

Learned to relax and get comfortable by twerkin the big screen instead of doin boring housework

Went on a trip Out West & grabbed selfies at everonea them naturel marvelsa this great landa ours

Donno if I was offshored, outsourced, downsized or laidoff but now I’m broke & in early retirement

Waited for weeks for Labor Day but simply could not remember what we done for it - Just last year…

Often derived a blissful satisfaction from my latest purchases - For up to 20 full minutes at a time!

Learned ta hate at the sound of buzzphrases uttered by puppet opinion leaders pushing fake eNews

Slept with my guns and old bible but still feared for the sound of their black helicopters in the night

Bought more than we needed cuz it was on sale: And thoughtlessly discarded half as spoiled leftovers

Grew weary of gumint inactivity, infighting & incompetence even as I grew fatter, dumber & lazier

Tried real hard to make my kids like me - Guess that’s why they’re back livin at home in their 30s

Crammed my head with sports stats and lines from ads and movies cause that’s what really mattered

Grabbin fer gusto as I smelt them roses helped me ignore the black truth athat onrushin empty void

Now I tremble laying here all tubed, knowing life has to go on, but only this time it’ll be without me

We Got No Need Fer Fekin Readin

1 of 7 American adults find anything more advanced than children’s books to be very challenging – nces.ed.gov, 2009.

Lissen, I got no need ta read cuz I gotta smartphone ta look up any kinda stuff I gotta know about

The register makes change for me at my job so WTF do I need to know how to do like math for

Hey, spellin just aint importent in this modern world were tweetin on thru

Oh, right, like I might need ta read subtitles on some boring and stupid forin movie

Proud ta say we don’t own nonea them useless books, cept the King James – not emen a checkbook

Well, just what would I read anyways, some wack liberal NYTimes or NPR government fake news?

No sir, ta keep up ta date on them libral schemes, we’ll jest keep her locked right here on the Fox

Like I munna sedown and read that 15 page legal docament contract ta my iPhone: Nobody else does

Yup, we signed that mortgage - but it was all jest a packa legal lies and fraud we dinit really get

But there aint nonea that fineprint in the bible so all that’s just the devil’s handiwork ta be ignored

You just ax anybody, them sientists is a buncha sissy geeks whatre so way outta touch with reality

But I got thousandsa sports satistcs regardin my belovd home team right up here & at my fingertips

Ta me, litercy today means knowin how ta runa touch screen and such

And everbody knows ya sure don’t need yearsa schoolin ta sort out the hogwash comin outta google

That is, my criticel thinkin skeels don’t rely on some backbonea school book learnin ta work right

Look, you just back off, I can read any restrint menu I might actually want to…

So, ya see it jest aint important to are lifestyle if my kids test out behind like them whateffin Finns

But I’ll be happy ta swap soundbites with them yella-belly librels - or small arms fire fer that matter

The real men I watch in HD don’t set there readin and shit, they bend down in tights and get after it

And as fer writin - now just what on god’s green earth is that supposed ta actuelly be for?

You can take yer grammer, spellin and whatever punktuation and u just go see how far it gets u

After all, too much lernin jest destroys a guys good god-given common sense, aint ya seen?

Enaways, I got an app that’ll read eny stuff I really need - right out loud ta me

Really, getting us ta read all the time is jest one waya gettin our attention offa ther socialist plots

I don’t hafta like like do the math on my job and they aint payin me ta read no gotdam books, ether

Hey I can read the numbers on my Lotto tickets good enough to know that it’s better luck next time

And who really gives a shit about them whatever hunrert or so ingreedints in abaga Doritas, anyway?

Watchin shit blow up in HD is way more stimulatin than settin all quiet in some corner just readin

Enaways, if you caint get it ta fit it inta a 30 second soundbite you aready lost my attintion

Alla them collige gradu8ts workin over ta that elitist Starbucks aint needin ta read nothin, so there

And ya know, it aint plitically correct or HUD-Approved ta favor bookworms over us common folks

Readins just about as importent as stuff like that BS recicling, and theyll hafta pay me ta do that too

Hey they aint denyin unqualified LBGT, handycapped wimmen acolor promotions cuz theys illiterate

Now look, Don’t ya think if readin was so dam vital that I’d already know about it?

Busides, alla them installation instructions was translated by hindis from whatever chinese nonsense

Enaway, I really caint make out anya them little-teeny squiggles and I caint afford no gotdam glasses

Heaven On Earth for Fox and Friends

How it could be, out from under their fredom smotherin elitist conspearacy

Everbodyd be fingerin concealed weapons in all public places, lookin out ta pincushion some shootr

That overreachin EPA’d be jest a bad memory that caint hobble our blessed family lifestyles no more

You wutnt never hear no more fool harpin on the fictshunal evilsa doublemeat bacon cheeseburgers

Gas’d be an affordable $2 a gallon like it rightly auter be in a truly freed-up dumestic energy market

Foopball would last all year long and we won’t be dippin no brocolli or carrots with our Doritas

Government wouldn’t be subsidizin wimpy hybrids over gutsy diesel family pickups no way - no more

We’d give back stolen federal lands ta the people – big oil, real estate men and ATV adventurers

Alla our leaders’d make big decisions, like destroyin them islamic fanatics, with ther saviours counsel

We’d swap out their elementary school hands-on sex-ed manuals fer copysa school prayers & bibles

A free, unObamacared marketplace would see ta the healtha all our people, with utmost efficiency

Wacko protesters against such as mountain top removal coal mining would be given firehose therapy

Dope smokers’d be pilloried nexta neighborhood bars tabe spit on or kicked by patriotic alcoholics

Boys, that NPR & PBS’d be shutdown faster than you kin spout a single Fair and Balanced soundbite

We’d hustle the US outta that lame one world UN and get it way the hell outta this fair land of ours

Our borders would be secured but employers could still mistreat and cheat throwaway illegal workers

The gument’d get right outta the binessa species preservation, pollution control & CO2 nonsense

Alla them moochers’d be shoved off welfare, disablility, unemployment, food stamps & medicaid

No more ragging BS gov’t ads about cholesterol, diabetes, obesity, exercise or blood pressure

Bush & Cheney’d be right up there, on Mt Rushmore with Reagan and Trump and them other heroes

We’d sure enough end that lameass reinterduction and kill alla them shittin wolves & grizzlies – agin!

All of us’d get free rEfIs with lowered principal and interest rates sos we kin tap some more equity

Them spotted owls, blind desert pupfish and such crap would hafta adapt ta progress or move out

That sin of sodomy would be treated just like the bible says it should – without no medical benefits

We’ll all be filled with ignorant pride parrotin canned soundbites and forwardin unquestioned tweets

Heroic CEOS’ll bring in them good-payin jobsa tomorrow which they promised when they offshored us

We’ll all be kickin global warmin ass just by adjustin down our patriotically coal-fired A/C units

Our dEfense would finally be rebuilt after decades of cowardly peacenik liberal decimation

Alla them minorties would finally see how ther innerests line rite up with old white republican men

They’d be no more talk regardin the rightsa souless cows, pigs & chickens ta whatever like dignity

That silly reciclying nonsense would surely be just a funny memory, same as them lame snowflakes

Everbody will agree that there organic crap was just a spensiv, bad-tasting, not-too-nutritious scam

We’ll all recognize that clean water, air and shit are god-given rights that don’t need no regelatin

That Arab obama would not only be known as the worst president but he’ll still be in jail fer treason

Wouldn’t have ta worry bout them traiterous socialists getting they hands on our medicare no more

Wont hear no more talk about raisin taxes on the brave entrepeenurs who create the jobs fer alla us

Private inerprize’ll build any new roads, bridges, waterworks, sewers and such what we may need

Keepin Our Priorities Straight

Today, the country pays the price for the left-wing ideologies that ran rampant in the 20th century – The American Conservative

Not wastin no funds like rebildin old bridges, failin sewers, bad roads, lektrik grids & water supplies

Gotta shove them illegales back without no amnesty but I sure aint gonna go pick that gotdam brocolli

Aint inerested in hearin about like shattered ecasystems cause they ain’t hurt me none at all

But orchestrated celebrity wardrobe malfunctions are definitely worth menshinin…quite often

Not even gonna consider their wacko BS bout some looming global fresh water shortage craptrap

Now, the threata gun control…That’s somethin we always gotta be perpetchile on alert for

You can jest STF-up yer fact-fudgin, elitist, global warmin power grab, ya traitrus libral snowflakes

But we do need ta hurryup & get them moochers off medicaid, unemploymint, foodstamps & disabilty

CorproAg dead soil, antibiotics, fertilizer & pesticide abuse, GMOs & water waste are jest irrevelent

Now then, let’s set down and talk foopbawl stats - and ax me how my fantasy league picks are doin

Yr bogus human-caused mass estintion is bout as critical ta me as the bugs smashed on my winshield

More importntly, I’m busy decidin shud I buy a new jetski, snowmachine, ATV, RV or a dirtbike next

The dignitya factory meat and the proper treatment of ther wastes aint no parta my buyin decisions

Damn straight we gotta stop teachin this unproven evilution over god’s absulute lawr of creationism

Aint no fairytale NewAge sustainabilly dopesmoke gonna affect my next vote, none at all, whatsoever

I do wanna know when them good jobsa tamarra they promised when they offshored us are comin in

Unending goverment shutdown crises are gonna earn us some real political victerys real soon now

Busides, the most important thing is ta make sure our libral enemies don’t get nethin done at all

We’ll take viralized soundbites over their shady and twisted so-called scientific satistics, anytime

Its vital ta spend more time studyin cell plans & credit card rates than on boring like retirement plans

I aint doin that wack reciclin crap unlest and until they start paying me ta do it - like they shud

Them quiet overpriced habrids are fer them meterosexuls and such. Me & my Ram-tough hemi rule.

That big shit called the Dead Spot the Mississippi takes with our toxins in the Guf aint on my radar

Leaders gotta talkta ther personal saviors when makin such decsions as liberatin them evil califates

The healtha this country aint measured by the cunditiona them convenient sewers, AKA our rivers

Everbudy knows that like GDP and the Unemployment numbers are the real measuresa our progress

Mountain top removal and power plant mercury emissions aint rightly parta any bill fer coal-fired A/C

Chicken crap from squeezed producers that’s killin chesapeake bay oysters don’t even matter to me

Jest cuz u caint go swimmin or eat the fish yer kids catch aint no reason ta get all like preturbed

Keepin in mind that this overpopelation myth flys right in the facea gods order ta go out and multiply

Gotta get ridda socialist entitlements cuz they just stimulat them multi-generational welfare queens

We got no use fer this dam obamacare cuz we already get our healtcare fer free - Down to the ER!

Absulutly hafta get the gumint outta our biness but sniffin at all them emails, tweets & shit: A-OK!

It’s a sure thing that if it takes a collige dugree ta read it, it just aint worth knowin about enaway

Don need no gov’t nannyin on what ta eat and specially not ther lame meddlin junk about exercisin

Jest keep them 12 candy, salty snack & frozen treat aisles…and get that freerange shit outta my way

It Aint Always Easy Ta Ignore Them Socshylists

You dont just jump inta like editorials or them op-eds after readin only fastfood menus fer years

Not gonna go dumbass exercisin ever day cuz its sweaty, boring and I aint got the time ta waste on it

They’re sayin my tastes will change from bacon & cheese to brocolli & tofu, but I sure aint seein that

It aint easy ta accept any doubt in my life after christ has answered everona my questions fer so long

Not at all convinced I shud give up my ramtuf Hemi fa them elitist global warmin conspiracy mongers

They just don’t get that if we all carried weapons we could end ever shootin rampage real quick

We’re just tryin ta get by, but their job-killing socialist agenda is costin us all ahole lotta money

Caint even swaller their lies about the st00pid school test scoresa them whatever roomanian loosers

We sure do deserve some real relief from them defraudin credit card and lyin homeloan companies

I gotta struggle jest ta keep my head straight what with bein insida this vast liberal media centrifuge

Tryin ta save fer our golden years, but with 0% inerest on savins we figgered gold was the way to go

We got problems with government sniffin our tweets but god is welcome to our innermost thoughts

It wadnt easy ta balance work and family life so now I’m tempin and livin in another blended family

It really hurts fallin outta the middle class - lucky we still got 3 credit cards ta keep the dream alive

It’s gettin so a guy caint hardly afford jetskis, snowmachines, harleys or a new pickup ever 2 years

Theyre still buggin us ta recicle but that aint eny parta my pursuita happiness or personal freedom

Nope, cant get them dirty Arabs ta see the truthta them Traditional Family Values that we export

You ever try ta lose weight, lower yer bloodpressure, watch the sugar and yer colesteral all at onct?

Its difficult ta bloom under the weighta that failed socialist agenda they keep shovelin up ontoppa us

It aint easy ta watch em smother our heroic enterpeenurs under ever more taxes and fool regelations

Cant even find a decent barista job much less start payin off my mountain of worthless college loans

Its getting harder ta realize our divinely-granted exceptionist role given our ongoing economic woes

Strugglin ta hold out til the good new jobs they promised us when they outsourced us finally get here

It’s tuf ta get Disability after yer Unemployment runs out and you still got 15 years til Social Security

It aint easy ta find time ta cook family meals so we mostly set down ta Mac&Cheese or MickieD’s

Tryin ta push back on the moochers who got so badly addicted ta them corrupt socialist entitlements

Keepin up with the $350/mo fer cable, cell & internet is still hard even without eye & dental care

How you think it feels ta not have the caish ta fix the new ATV my kid smashed up last summer?

We’re swimmin real hard against a flooda muddy propaganda from the leftwing fakenews conspiracy

Yessir, we’re strugglin heroically against those tryin ta rob us of our sacred right ta bear firearms

Havin ta fight hard everday ta stay fer free in our unfairly underwater home…fer the last 3½ years!

Its getting more difficult ta blow off alla them untruths regardin overeatin, drinkin and couch surfin

Havin ta ignore more and more dumbass internationalist liars regardin our falling standarda living

How’d u lieta hafta look at yer once little darlins layin round covered with creepy tattoos & piercins?

Its like a full time job ta juggle credit card balances around sos ya pay under 30% inerest ever month

It aint easy ta keep stoppin ta smell them roses while still goin fer the gusto and like livin fer taday

That Whatever Nonsense Recompense

    That which compensates for an injury…

Useless desert fish, tiny spotted owls and ugly boreal toads wont be winning any damages, not ever

For courts have held that jobs and money trump the natural infrastructure that allows both to exist

Thus, nobody will be liable for the wonderful progress that has made our fair land what it is today

So plead not for a false recompense from those who act as his His divinely-ordained good stewar

***

They caint hold me responsible fer the filthiness of the rivers so briefly at His profit-minded mercy

Jesus aint gonna turn us away from them pearly gates fer like envirmental degredation, ya know

I don’t need no liability insurance ta exercise my god-given right tatha pursuita individyul happiness

They caint ever come after me fer carin more about my pickup than their wack sustainabilly crack

No sir, wild animals got no more justice comin than such as our cow, pig and chicken factory inputs

Nobodys gettin in any trouble fer spendin years glued ta good old foopbawl on the latest bigscreen

Theys no punisment comin cause you ran up a miyon$ charge fer fastfood hypertension and diabetus

You wont havta pay fer the damage and injury ur drug habits didta ur fatherless, bred-fer-prison kids

You wont be getting billed fer overfertilizin or mixin toxics with reciclables in ur overflowin trash can

Stay kickd back in ur exceptionist easy chair cause ur already pre-approved fer a good seat in heaven

Relax, polar bears aint bringin no class action suits and nobody’s goin ta jail fer lame climate change

We aint grantin slum kids no miyons fer they smog-induced asthma and lead-caused brain damage

All them extermenated indians aint gettin nothin just cuz they got up in the waya r manyfest destiny

And them jews’ll just be lucky if they dont get turned on fer like the 50^th time, again, real soon now

Them too weak ta raise they voices will be heaped higher wif injusteces, on out to the event horizon

We gotta keep movin forward so you wont see no disgraced former leaders ever brought to justice

Dyin butterflies and bees aint got no public defenders or prosecutin attorneys overta ther side

Wont be no disaster aid comin toanya god’s cretures who lost ther homes on them dyin coral reefs

Who you gonna petition fer relief from the vast swarmsa precious humans just wantin the good life?

Nobody’s liable fer destroyin that livin envirnment that makes alla r triviel pursuts even possible

No patriotic cleancoal lobbyist’ll be fined fer workin hard ta save traditional families jobs and money

Wont nobody be sued when ther aint no more fossil water left tabe sucked outta them aqwefers

Thaint no fund set aside ta compensate the future fer our wasteful and arrogantly-willful destruction

Aint gonna be no class action suits on behalfa victims athat mass extinction we’re so blindly perpin

That illegal World Court cant rule that r overpopulation is the only problem that we really shud solve

Honest citizens wont be gettin no bills for soil destruction and deforestation or pesticide abuse

Nobody’s representin ocean plankton doomed to eat our microplastic litter thats fillin up they homes

Bangaledeshis wont have recourse or insurance when ther land is warshed away by risin sea levels

The gumint aint gonna pay out for lettin miyonsa lives be rooined jist ta get more alcohol tax money

Overpaid doctors wont be brought to justice fer pushing hi-tech procedures over simple pervention

Wont be no CEO bonus clawbacks fer offshorin research, production and support ta raise stock prices

& nobodys gonna bring suit aginst us on behalf of the grandkids whose lives we have impoverished

Our Apartment Cowboy Saint

Yup, He does live right down the hall from us and He’s got a real nice old pickup parked outside, too

Yer goddamn right He votes straight republican And He keeps it locked on the Fox, jest like we do

His teeth hurt as bad as mine so we drove 5 hours ta some free clinic but by 4:00 AM we was too late

And that Guy has some really nice automatic firearms and a valid concealed weapon permit

His mom and dad live with Him, as well as some lady and her kids from acupla her other marriages

Told me that the freakin EPA has got to go and we hafta get the US out of the UN and vice-versa

Said tax blessings fer the rich will damn straight float all of our boats back up an inta the good times

Acourse, liberals are always attackin Him with that junk science and ther woreout socialist agindas

He’s got the bankers backs insteada knockin down their walls cuz He knows theys too big ta fail

And, shit man, He’s always got a cold one in the fridge for any guy stoppin by to watch foopbawl

Revealed aliens tryin ta take over the country as liberals aim ta give away our national sovereignty

Lives by soundbite common sense and faith, not NPR or the NYTimes, so that’s what we’re doin too

He helped us burn down the last abortion clinic in the state and even got a shot off at a fleeing MD

The farkers foreclosed on His house too, but luckily He had already spent alla His 3 HELOCs

Happily, them repo parasites never tuk His busted up boat, ATV, jetskis, snowmobile or dirtbikes

Them illegales stole His carpenter job and He was on unemployment fer 3 years, jest like me

He never wenta college but He sure knows the difference butween junk science and industree studies

Aint no freakin vegan and you don’t see no queer green recyclin box by His front door, either

Sometimes we hear good old country music driftin thru His walls and He’ll commence ta sing along

Told us about the job-killin regelaters working against His father who anyways still blesses America

Skinny as a rail except for a fat little belly, the free clinic says He’s pre-diabetic, just the same as us

Refused ta signup fer no freedim-stealin obamacare tax right along withalla the restaus loyal patriots

Hey, I won $20 on a lotto ticket I bought one day when we went in for BigGulps and Doritos on break

He laughed out loud when theyas talking global warming with some squirmin liberal scientest on TV

Told us our Traditional Family Values™ are at the core of the Newer Testament He’s been workin on

Knows we gotta nuke them Arabs back ta the stone age startin first with them heathen Irainians

Made sure we know that clean air and water are free and our meat animals got no everlasting souls

Well, actually the poor SOB don’t got no more saved up fer His golden years than you or me

Showed us how ta find answers fer any perplexin issue in that Good Book He’s mostly memorized

Somebody seen Him smack a damn Prius real hard with His big truck door over to the mall parking lot

Sure enough He said we was born to be prosperous in this blessed land, if we’ll just keep ta the faith

He’s cullectin SSI too, that’s for sure and He gets all His Chinese stuff down to Wal*Mart jest like us

Said somebody’s gotta stand up ta them godless jihadis and it falls ta us not them squishy Eurolosers

He told the kids ta be grateful fer coal-fired A/C on everonea them recerd hot days we keep havin

He never went to freakin college but He knows they better keep their damn hands offa our medycare

They aint no comprymises in His beliefs and we won’t let no sinful give and take pervert His truth

That’s An Alternative Fact!

Our supporters don’t listen to their lying so-called factcheckers - so we can create the news that suits our sponsors

Welcome to the highway to hell, here in the USSA – The United Socialist States Of America

Gas would only be $1.50/gallon if not for that intrusive and unnecessary government regulation

America’s greatest days remain ahead, for we alone possess a divinely-granted exceptionist destiny

Climate change is a costly, elitist scare tactic used to try to steal our precious national sovereignty

Good science can advance thru slanted polls and soundbites just as well as via reproducible research

Industry studies reveal processed meats have health benefits beyond storing toxic fat for lean times

Politicians are not quietly fostering increasing ignorance only because it keeps us easier to convince

The government’s core inflation rate is a true indicator of price trends our families are experiencing

Real estate professionals bring true expertise and a desire for a better world to their unselfish work

Corporate strategies are rooted in a deep patriotism and great concern for citizens longterm welfare

Free markets can ensure species preservation via setting high prices on items such as ivory and tuna

Our lovely planet can comfortably support 10 billion people with but a few minor agricultural tweaks

Liberals plan to take away our guns and give up our cherished freedom to that pagan United Nations

We absolutely must continue to outspend the world combined on dEfense or risk foreign domination

Medicare Death Panels already have prioritized lists of grandparents to be put down by gov’t doctors

It’s only the Far Right that has succeeded in stopping any and all efforts at political compromise

Continually retrying failed socialist policies hoping for better results is a hallmark of liberal madness

Though their contributions are not financially measurable, CEO compensation must increase annually

Chronic budget reductions can be sustainably overcome via volunteerism and doing more with less

Air is free, a fresh water supply is a god-given right and the oceans must stay open to all for profit

Our reasoned evolution of belief is the very opposite of the hated political enemy’s cowardly flip-flop

Industry-financed drug research exemplifies how market forces efficiently effect safe self-regulation

War is a genetic and moral imperative – Besides it’s a lucrative and permanent economic opportunity

Tax cuts, social program reductions and deregulation will suffice to get our country growing strongly

Globalization allows multinationals to provide us with cheaper products and good jobs for peasants

A worldwide elite conspires to tithe our precious sovereignty to a godless Eurohive of failed socialism

LGBT behavior is a lifestyle choice which can be unlearned given the proper spiritual environment

And truly the fight for gay marriage ranks right up there with women’s suffrage and negro civil rights

The feds fund stripper training in Chicago and teach NY pimps to writeoff employee meth benefits

Ranchers are right to demand predator control so their welfare cattle can trample public wetlands

Any tax increase on the rich completely robs them of their priceless, job-creating motivation

Unlimited and anonymous corporate campaign bribes are necessary to ensure our freedom of speech

Mandatory universal armament would ensure everyone’s safety from that rare wacko mass murderer

The EPA or Employment Prevention Agency must be abolished along with all its job-killing regulations

Recycling is a foolish waste of time which merely prevents market forces from operating efficiently

The return of the Good Old Days of late last century is certain given our people’s boundless optimism

I Really Do Need Lots of Guns!

Wow, I need a gun here right now, nexta my pillow cuz what if them UN helicopters hover tonight...

OK, what if that big black hand reaches into my window… later on when everybody else is fast asleep

I keep it warm and well-hidden, right next to my skin - on the way to church each Sunday morning

And it feels so good when I touch off a few rounds and some prairie dogs or such vermin just explode

I expeschilly like rubbing that smooth barrel up and down while it’s still warm and smoking

With this shapely 30 shot automatic in hand I’m ready to stand my ground - Anytime and anywhere

Hey, I’m just harking back to them good old pilgrim fathers who chiseled out our holy constitution

Yup, the right to deadly force is among the most deeply-rooteda alla our sacred tradishnal vayues

The very idea of even regelatin assault weapons sets my proud, violent, radicalized blood ta boilin

What we actually need are neighborhood anti-tank and anti-aircraft brigades ta foil CIA incursions

Why, at this very moment I could squeeze one off in the face of a drugged carjacker or pushy cicylist

God bless the NRA cause, whoa baby, I really need all my guns right here, right beside me, right now

Took a firearm safety class with my 3^rd grader and now she just loves to go shooting with her Daddy

Sitting quietly on my lap, she counts the shells in her chamber as we break down our pistols together

The wife’s got a very ladylike .38 she slips right on down into her purse as she heads in for a pedicure

To me, being armed is like being dressed, and you best believe I don’t even hop inta bed neked

The certainty that I have the power ta solve social problems by ending lives colers alla my actitudes

And, as everybody knows from the Good Book, jesus spoke out against gun control plots way long ago

For He commends us not only against the infidels but demands we take an eye for an eye and stuff

It’s a win-win-win situation combining our sacred religious duty with patriotism and sensual pleasure

Good God, I need my guns like I need ta eat every day and that’s really all I shudhafta say about that

Whenever I leave the house I got my checklist: Wallet, cellphone, handgun, BigGulp, sunglasses, keys

Hey, dont you think I dont know them socialist hivers meanta rob meamy godgiven right ta bear arms

But when the shit hits the fan, we’ll take off for the woods in my pickup loaded with rifles and ammo

After all, guns are a big parta what it means to be a Man here in The Greatest country on the planet

Yup, from pilgrim ta cowboy ta redneck an honored heavily-armed tradition been handed down ta me

We aint standin fer no weapons tracking, smart guns or fingerprinted ammo, either, no gotdam way!

The feds got no right to know what I got up here in my home arsenal but they can tap them tweeters

I need a gun or I wunna feel complete and my whole lifestyle would not make any real sense…

It’s even more than self-protection, why, it has a lot to do with who I am and what I truly believe in

Them occasional mass killings simply prove that our citizens needs to remain ever armed and vigilant

Yea, in a righteous world 4 or 5 civilians would open up on wack shooters anywhere, public or private

Yup, I read that American Rifleman magazine in the privacy of my bathroom and God bless my guns

You might as well ask me to give up good old red meat as to surrender my treasured, shiny firearms

Ya see, gun control actually should only be about keeping a steady aim and a smooth trigger finger

So, I’ll see you down to that next gunshow in Arizona, checkin out bikinis & unregistered automatics

Unimpaired By Reason

Unfettered by faith from review, our decisions are secure on a foundation of media-created tradition

Unimpaired by reason, we are fully capable of swallowing any form of urban myth or country legend

Our progress remains unimpeded by any of their cooked and contradictory, whatever recent findings

Likewise, our kids move forward unscathed by the sinful brainwashing of a broken education system

We remain unattracted to that failed eurosocialist nannying - so long ago proven an abject failure

Assured that their real agenda never changes, we stand unsullied by their omnipresent fake news

Unencumbered by crippling introspection we proceed purposefully upon a safe, faith-based itinerary

With thick blinders of belief, we unflinchlingly ignore the satanism of evil progressive disinformation

Actions and morals dictated by the good book, our fat & happy lives are unfazed by any uncertainty

Enlightened as to the depravity of junk science we thrive, absolutely unblemished by that fuzzy math

Unaltered by their vast global media conspiracy we stand firm by our own unbiased TV social analysts

Unhampered by doubt as to the righteousness of our cause, we march on with total clarity of purpose

Protected by our rhino-like armor of faith, we are unscarred by their fatally-proud, secular doctrine

Unconstrained by guilt over past decisions we never need perform amoral and spineless flipflopping

Untrammeled by overreaching rationality, we see right through their fantasy facts and fudged figures

Unrestrained by responsibility to mere objectivity, we create news to support our sponsors’ agendas

Unaffected by bad science, we out politically-spawned research hoaxes with angry opinion pieces

Unweakened by going into depth on the issues, we maintain a healthy suspicion of all those who do

Shouldering the exceptionist role granted us by our creator, we remain unswayed by BS UN statistics

Unconvinced by their amoral logic we commend ourselves to colorful soundbites of our HD clarifiers

Marinated in faith beyond any debate, we stand tall, unperturbed by His mysterious contradictions

Unmotivated to strain learning new work skills we await the Outsourcers’ promise of good new jobs

Pointedly unimpressed by lame foreign cultures we loudly emit a just contempt at their fool customs

We remain unconfused by ignoring the conflicting and bogus false choices of that elitist conspiracy

Unanimated by calls for sustainability, we proudly cleave to our traditional takeout family values

Adhering to folkways deployed long ago in the late 20^th century, we stand untroubled by new findings

Our spirits are unbroken despite their constant flow of exaggerated tweets, half-truths and total lies

Unawed by criminal over-complication, we steadfastly cling to the plain and simple, black and white

Looking right thru them, we remain unmoved by the less fortunate as we pass by them every day

Untouched by shrill calls to some limp green future, we patriotically partially consume...and discard

Simply refusing to listen to their fabrications we prosper unscathed by doubt-producing contradiction

Undiminished by philosophical progress, we cling tightly to our stale faith and its hollow traditions

We stride untraumatized by data overload thanks to our scripted purveyors of conservative pabulum

Unsatisfied with mere probabilistic experimental results we rely on self-selected Word interpreters

Our great need for armed personal protection remains undeterred by occasional shooting rampages

Undaunted by that Great Recession, we know this is still ThE Greatest Country On The Planet

Happily Even After MAGA

I did finally get me another job, yup, locked into a 6 month tmp contract they can terminate at will

but after 100 weeks of demeanin and intrusive filin for my rightful unemployment, I am reborn

making half of what I used to and drivin twice as far but, I got this wondres renewal of my self worth

not gettin any benefits until I possibly get on fulltime but I still got a few pain meds left fer my teeth

good thing that old core inflation remains low cause everything that we buy has gone up, out of sight

we do save a lot on home maintenance and yard work since we was forced to become renters again

but I got financial-smart friends who stayed at home years fer free by dodgin in and outta foreclosure

we eat lots of fastfoods cause I hear it’s way cheaper than bakin bread and cookin beans and rice

sure I canceled that expensive car insurance - just as soon as I got my new plates and registration

getting rid of my trash down by the creek cause I aint payin tahave guys come justa haul that shit off

them damn cell, internet and cable bills cost like $300 a month but we caint do without that stuff

dont see how the gumint screwed things up so bad so fast but we just gotta get anybody else in there

got no insulation here so we just keep the heat cranked cuz we all liketa hang in baggy shorts

thank god for Fox exposing socialist plans to expand entitlements and demotivate noble job creaters

why, the people down ta the ER know our kids names but them elitists aim to take away our choices

lookit my diesel pickup boys, got er jacked up, custom wheels, real loud and I only owe like $45000

sicka payin for these stupid public service intrusions about whatever obesity and lameass exercise

if them warshinton jobkillers would just foller our sacred constitution and the blessed free market…

fed up with pukes tryin to nanny us right inta some kinda failed old eurosocialist style frikin beehive

and I got guns, too. Now, I caint afford new glasses but we can go out shooting at a $buck.50 a round

I should pay for they clean energy scams after they stifled our patriotic coal minin & oil drillin..right?

don’t know where they came up with these lies about our kids being like 29^th in world school testing

got a nice bonus outta my 401k last time I was laid off but I aint signin up fer that damn scam again

hafta laugh at them fool greenies tellin me to recycle fer nothin when I got imporent stuff to do

you bet I support our troops and I say we go after allathem idoletres enemy combatants, like say IrAn

happy ta see the feds siftin ever tweet fer terrorist threats but I’m sick atheir interference in my life

aint payin no individul mandate even if they keep raisin my insurance rates ta cover all the moochers

solved this climate change hoax by just turnin my coal-powered air-conditioner thermostat way down

dunno whats wrong with the damn schools but my kids know better than to pay attention to they BS

we aint lettin them push no girly damn ecocars down our throats even though they jacked fuel prices

got 8 months a year a the NFL in HD and listen, that’s about as damn traditional as things kin get

now if we could round up the abortion murderers, gay couples and gun controllers it’d be just peachy

we’re not too proud for food stamps but I do draw the line at Mother’s drug test disqualifyin us

it’s just a damn lie that our standard of living aint the highest in the world and is actually goin down

screw their economic mobility bull, Only in the USA can a guy get ahead just thoo his own hard work

yup, in our Happily Even After alla them Good Jobsa Tomorrow are comin right back here...

right along with the free home equity cash we deserve