Have A Good Day, Fearless Leader!

Maybe they’ll realize your financial expertise costs too much and earns less than dumb index funds

I hope other clients find a simple legal form on the web & save $1500 avoiding your phony services

May they back out of that big deal after discovering your greedy omissions concerning the property

With a little luck they’ll uncover another extramarital affair and finally be able to get you voted out

It could be today that the IRS ends the faith-based con with which you finance your opulent lifestyle

I ask your god that a security camera catch you lustily fondling yet another frightened new choirboy

I can only hope that one of your over-ambitious underlings will rat out your corporate connivance

It’d be so bad if more email proving you knew everything & you lied got leaked by some geeky minion

It’d be nice to hear that your spoiled kid was arrested for drugs again - despite your TV editorializing

Was cheered hearing the tale of how your son rear-ended an SUV while texting his vapid little friends

Gosh, it’s too bad that they caught you plagiarizing your speeches…but for the third time in a year?

Feel so sad that now you cant avoid the media attention you strove so hard to get, all your pushy life

Like to see another hipster snicker snarkily and walk out on your tiredly-rigged car sales charade

May your mother get into futures trading and your sister buy the funds you created to hedge against

Wish I was there when you finally realize this is The New Normal and not just The Great Recession

So sorry to hear that your vitriolic right-wing rants were the product of your addiction to pain killers

Good luck with embracing diversity through curing gays, expelling illegals and demanding voter IDs

Keep up the planet-saving work to get us all to starve locally, stop driving and not heating our homes

Sorry to hear you corrupted your latest MSProject file right before your 0s0 important status meeting

Too bad your handicapped, gay woman of color boss is just a clueless, tenured but quota-filling bytch

Its very sad that you have to work even though you have such a bad hangover after another Big Game

What a shame they know you were just lying – You did not misspeak AND you were not misunderstood

Glad to hear you lost a suit for botching a golf-hurried, Mommie Makeover that you would not refund

Congratulations on achieving stardom and then turning into a fat, perverted & bankrupt drug addict

Pity that you’re braindead after years making millions smashing into other foopbawl juicers in tights

I fondly imagine you in yer ignorant-loud, jacked-up pickup headed out to where the jobs are -Texas!

Here’s to your coveted 18-49 year olds laughingly dissing your so 20^th century attempts to court them

We anxiously await for you 1%ers to pay as high a tax rate as your disappearing middle-class footmen

I’m so sorry your proud ignorance disqualifies you for the good jobs any chinese peasant could handle

It’s such a shame that your loud, apartment cowboy lifestyle pickup got repoed: Right outside the bar

What a good feeling to see that trooper write you up after you blasted past me yelling into yr cell

Wow, so your darling little girl snuck out and got a spike put in her tongue? My heartfelt condolences

EYuck! Cant stand how your once-conceited 17 y/o blond ass turned so fat, wrinkled & sun-damaged

It was a shame that your 11 y/o boy got paralyzed driving your souped-up ATV - without any helmet

It would hurt me to hear that your disability claim was denied even tho you always voted Republican

Hope to be around when your too big to fail finally turns into too costly to bail and you go to jail

Avoid These Polite Conversation Killers

If you can’t say something politically correct, just say something totally inconsequential…

You just shut up about ‘Yes, We Can’ actually being just one more ad man’s empty campaign slogan

We won’t even discuss the omissions, misrepresentations and lies that already cost over a $Tr in Iraq

Nobody wants to hear about fixing corpro-agriculture if it might cost them any extra at all for Doritos

Just don’t mention that ThE Greatest Country on ThE Planet only leads the Undeveloping World

Where’s a benefit to facing the fact that your kids future clearly is not nearly as bright as yours was?

Who’s going to worry much about that climate change scam Republican leaders know is pure BS?

Shushup over exporting a temporary glut of fracked natural gas, again with no plan for when its gone

We’ll stifle statistics that the poor & ignorant are wildly outbreeding ye of the educated middle class

You cannot say: Our Natives & Blacks must have issues if they can be held down for so long - So easily

Only a traitor would dare speak out against outspending the next 20 countries combined on dEfense

Thou shalt not speculate that victims of the obesity plague might shoulder any personal responsibility

It’s political suicide to admit that we must all pay higher taxes and get less benefits just to scrape by

Don’t even whisper of the insurance & drug industry deals cut to get that Obamacare shoved thru

You just wont get away with demanding childbearing licenses as well as requiring two parent families

Dont bring up the false promises of the good new jobs of tomorrow made when they outsourced us

Stop calling their dogma of eternal GDP growth just another fairytale, too-big-to-fail, pyramid scam

Dont discuss how doctors can make $400/hr up til age 80 but you have to be <30 to code a stupid app

Its off topic to ask why top corpro rungs are only for furtive one-track shoulder-climbing psychopaths

Never ever, even whisper that sainted Israel practices what the Nazis did to them on the Palestinians

Don’t ask how we actually have a vibrant, structurally sound economy with 20% of us on food stamps

We won’t even calculate business losses resulting from promotions based solely on affirmative action

Better not go around belittling football and all of its brainwashed, bacon & beer-loving worshipers

You won’t hear how the Wall Street banks got way too much bigger to fail again, so forget about that

Theres no need to broadcast that cable, internet and cell service cost more here than anywhere else

Politicians hope you wont notice they work 2½ days/week in Washington and go fund-raising the rest

We’ll never debate whether holiday shopping isn’t one of thE most important news stories every year

Our right to uber-loud fireworks, jake-brakes, pickups and harleys is rightly not even under scrutiny

Shut up and hold the door for them as they go home early again, for their kids - with their equal pay

So, you think that the main problem with the education system is parenting? Don’t you dare go there

We’ll simply ignore the increasing Jihadi activity going on from Morocco all the way over to Indonesia

Nobody wants to talk low-priority issues like economic sustainability, much less habitat preservation

Who the hell cares if our landfills overflow with valuable recyclables marinating in our toxic wastes?

No, you shouldnt finally tell them that they’re not really very special, even though they all got prizes

Can’t label those leeching seamlessly from unemployment to disability to social security as moochers

How dare you even dream of a support group just for displaced white men? You racist, Nazi pervert!

Mustn’t voice the heresy that Christianity is as dogmatic, wornout & irrelevant as that tired socialism

We Got No Need Fer Fekin Readin

1 of 7 American adults find anything more advanced than children’s books to be very challenging – nces.ed.gov, 2009.

Lissen, I got no need ta read cuz I gotta smartphone ta look up any kinda stuff I gotta know about

The register makes change for me at my job so WTF do I need to know how to do like math for

Hey, spellin just aint importent in this modern world were tweetin on thru

Oh, right, like I might need ta read subtitles on some boring and stupid forin movie

Proud ta say we don’t own nonea them useless books, cept the King James – not emen a checkbook

Well, just what would I read anyways, some wack liberal NYTimes or NPR government fake news?

No sir, ta keep up ta date on them libral schemes, we’ll jest keep her locked right here on the Fox

Like I munna sedown and read that 15 page legal docament contract ta my iPhone: Nobody else does

Yup, we signed that mortgage - but it was all jest a packa legal lies and fraud we dinit really get

But there aint nonea that fineprint in the bible so all that’s just the devil’s handiwork ta be ignored

You just ax anybody, them sientists is a buncha sissy geeks whatre so way outta touch with reality

But I got thousandsa sports satistcs regardin my belovd home team right up here & at my fingertips

Ta me, litercy today means knowin how ta runa touch screen and such

And everbody knows ya sure don’t need yearsa schoolin ta sort out the hogwash comin outta google

That is, my criticel thinkin skeels don’t rely on some backbonea school book learnin ta work right

Look, you just back off, I can read any restrint menu I might actually want to…

So, ya see it jest aint important to are lifestyle if my kids test out behind like them whateffin Finns

But I’ll be happy ta swap soundbites with them yella-belly librels - or small arms fire fer that matter

The real men I watch in HD don’t set there readin and shit, they bend down in tights and get after it

And as fer writin - now just what on god’s green earth is that supposed ta actuelly be for?

You can take yer grammer, spellin and whatever punktuation and u just go see how far it gets u

After all, too much lernin jest destroys a guys good god-given common sense, aint ya seen?

Enaways, I got an app that’ll read eny stuff I really need - right out loud ta me

Really, getting us ta read all the time is jest one waya gettin our attention offa ther socialist plots

I don’t hafta like like do the math on my job and they aint payin me ta read no gotdam books, ether

Hey I can read the numbers on my Lotto tickets good enough to know that it’s better luck next time

And who really gives a shit about them whatever hunrert or so ingreedints in abaga Doritas, anyway?

Watchin shit blow up in HD is way more stimulatin than settin all quiet in some corner just readin

Enaways, if you caint get it ta fit it inta a 30 second soundbite you aready lost my attintion

Alla them collige gradu8ts workin over ta that elitist Starbucks aint needin ta read nothin, so there

And ya know, it aint plitically correct or HUD-Approved ta favor bookworms over us common folks

Readins just about as importent as stuff like that BS recicling, and theyll hafta pay me ta do that too

Hey they aint denyin unqualified LBGT, handycapped wimmen acolor promotions cuz theys illiterate

Now look, Don’t ya think if readin was so dam vital that I’d already know about it?

Busides, alla them installation instructions was translated by hindis from whatever chinese nonsense

Enaway, I really caint make out anya them little-teeny squiggles and I caint afford no gotdam glasses

Heaven On Earth for Fox and Friends

How it could be, out from under their fredom smotherin elitist conspearacy

Everbodyd be fingerin concealed weapons in all public places, lookin out ta pincushion some shootr

That overreachin EPA’d be jest a bad memory that caint hobble our blessed family lifestyles no more

You wutnt never hear no more fool harpin on the fictshunal evilsa doublemeat bacon cheeseburgers

Gas’d be an affordable $2 a gallon like it rightly auter be in a truly freed-up dumestic energy market

Foopball would last all year long and we won’t be dippin no brocolli or carrots with our Doritas

Government wouldn’t be subsidizin wimpy hybrids over gutsy diesel family pickups no way - no more

We’d give back stolen federal lands ta the people – big oil, real estate men and ATV adventurers

Alla our leaders’d make big decisions, like destroyin them islamic fanatics, with ther saviours counsel

We’d swap out their elementary school hands-on sex-ed manuals fer copysa school prayers & bibles

A free, unObamacared marketplace would see ta the healtha all our people, with utmost efficiency

Wacko protesters against such as mountain top removal coal mining would be given firehose therapy

Dope smokers’d be pilloried nexta neighborhood bars tabe spit on or kicked by patriotic alcoholics

Boys, that NPR & PBS’d be shutdown faster than you kin spout a single Fair and Balanced soundbite

We’d hustle the US outta that lame one world UN and get it way the hell outta this fair land of ours

Our borders would be secured but employers could still mistreat and cheat throwaway illegal workers

The gument’d get right outta the binessa species preservation, pollution control & CO2 nonsense

Alla them moochers’d be shoved off welfare, disablility, unemployment, food stamps & medicaid

No more ragging BS gov’t ads about cholesterol, diabetes, obesity, exercise or blood pressure

Bush & Cheney’d be right up there, on Mt Rushmore with Reagan and Trump and them other heroes

We’d sure enough end that lameass reinterduction and kill alla them shittin wolves & grizzlies – agin!

All of us’d get free rEfIs with lowered principal and interest rates sos we kin tap some more equity

Them spotted owls, blind desert pupfish and such crap would hafta adapt ta progress or move out

That sin of sodomy would be treated just like the bible says it should – without no medical benefits

We’ll all be filled with ignorant pride parrotin canned soundbites and forwardin unquestioned tweets

Heroic CEOS’ll bring in them good-payin jobsa tomorrow which they promised when they offshored us

We’ll all be kickin global warmin ass just by adjustin down our patriotically coal-fired A/C units

Our dEfense would finally be rebuilt after decades of cowardly peacenik liberal decimation

Alla them minorties would finally see how ther innerests line rite up with old white republican men

They’d be no more talk regardin the rightsa souless cows, pigs & chickens ta whatever like dignity

That silly reciclying nonsense would surely be just a funny memory, same as them lame snowflakes

Everbody will agree that there organic crap was just a spensiv, bad-tasting, not-too-nutritious scam

We’ll all recognize that clean water, air and shit are god-given rights that don’t need no regelatin

That Arab obama would not only be known as the worst president but he’ll still be in jail fer treason

Wouldn’t have ta worry bout them traiterous socialists getting they hands on our medicare no more

Wont hear no more talk about raisin taxes on the brave entrepeenurs who create the jobs fer alla us

Private inerprize’ll build any new roads, bridges, waterworks, sewers and such what we may need

Keepin Our Priorities Straight

Today, the country pays the price for the left-wing ideologies that ran rampant in the 20th century – The American Conservative

Not wastin no funds like rebildin old bridges, failin sewers, bad roads, lektrik grids & water supplies

Gotta shove them illegales back without no amnesty but I sure aint gonna go pick that gotdam brocolli

Aint inerested in hearin about like shattered ecasystems cause they ain’t hurt me none at all

But orchestrated celebrity wardrobe malfunctions are definitely worth menshinin…quite often

Not even gonna consider their wacko BS bout some looming global fresh water shortage craptrap

Now, the threata gun control…That’s somethin we always gotta be perpetchile on alert for

You can jest STF-up yer fact-fudgin, elitist, global warmin power grab, ya traitrus libral snowflakes

But we do need ta hurryup & get them moochers off medicaid, unemploymint, foodstamps & disabilty

CorproAg dead soil, antibiotics, fertilizer & pesticide abuse, GMOs & water waste are jest irrevelent

Now then, let’s set down and talk foopbawl stats - and ax me how my fantasy league picks are doin

Yr bogus human-caused mass estintion is bout as critical ta me as the bugs smashed on my winshield

More importntly, I’m busy decidin shud I buy a new jetski, snowmachine, ATV, RV or a dirtbike next

The dignitya factory meat and the proper treatment of ther wastes aint no parta my buyin decisions

Damn straight we gotta stop teachin this unproven evilution over god’s absulute lawr of creationism

Aint no fairytale NewAge sustainabilly dopesmoke gonna affect my next vote, none at all, whatsoever

I do wanna know when them good jobsa tamarra they promised when they offshored us are comin in

Unending goverment shutdown crises are gonna earn us some real political victerys real soon now

Busides, the most important thing is ta make sure our libral enemies don’t get nethin done at all

We’ll take viralized soundbites over their shady and twisted so-called scientific satistics, anytime

Its vital ta spend more time studyin cell plans & credit card rates than on boring like retirement plans

I aint doin that wack reciclin crap unlest and until they start paying me ta do it - like they shud

Them quiet overpriced habrids are fer them meterosexuls and such. Me & my Ram-tough hemi rule.

That big shit called the Dead Spot the Mississippi takes with our toxins in the Guf aint on my radar

Leaders gotta talkta ther personal saviors when makin such decsions as liberatin them evil califates

The healtha this country aint measured by the cunditiona them convenient sewers, AKA our rivers

Everbudy knows that like GDP and the Unemployment numbers are the real measuresa our progress

Mountain top removal and power plant mercury emissions aint rightly parta any bill fer coal-fired A/C

Chicken crap from squeezed producers that’s killin chesapeake bay oysters don’t even matter to me

Jest cuz u caint go swimmin or eat the fish yer kids catch aint no reason ta get all like preturbed

Keepin in mind that this overpopelation myth flys right in the facea gods order ta go out and multiply

Gotta get ridda socialist entitlements cuz they just stimulat them multi-generational welfare queens

We got no use fer this dam obamacare cuz we already get our healtcare fer free - Down to the ER!

Absulutly hafta get the gumint outta our biness but sniffin at all them emails, tweets & shit: A-OK!

It’s a sure thing that if it takes a collige dugree ta read it, it just aint worth knowin about enaway

Don need no gov’t nannyin on what ta eat and specially not ther lame meddlin junk about exercisin

Jest keep them 12 candy, salty snack & frozen treat aisles…and get that freerange shit outta my way

Oh Yeah, It’s Gods Will All Right

"God works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform."

There is a reason they walk barefoot thru muddy, trash-paved streets lugging tainted drinking water

Those devastated by huge floods can take heart knowing their suffering is all part of His greater plan

Of course there’s meaning to lives snuffed out without any dignity by failing trains, and rolling buses

Totally bereft earthquake victims can take solace in the fact that it all has a purpose and a meaning

Mothers of suicide bombers are comforted knowing their boys relax with 72 virgins “up” in paradise

The mass extinction we are causing is but a small part of the inscrutable will of our all-knowing God

Why only the greedy and sociopathic arise to lead us shall be revealed in the full richness of time

My diabetes, hypertension, atherosclerosis and COPD are but tiny pieces in an infinitely large picture

That billions must struggle just to survive on a dollar a day is but a small part of a beautiful mystery

The apparent emptiness of lives ended in filthy nursing home helplessness and fear is an illusion

Their targeting innocent schoolgirls with AK-47s and suicide vests will actually make sense in the end

There’s no need to be concerned that our ordained fruitful multiplication devastates this tiny planet

There is rhyme and reason in using bulldozers to bury mutilated corpses of the collaterally damaged

Our treating of the beasts of the fields as bulk factory raw material inputs requires no justification

Dying forests, drying rivers and spreading deserts are hints from an infinite incomprehensible wisdom

Smothering in O.D.’d vomit, cold, wet and dirty in a garbage-strewn alley is simply one isolated clue

He has led them to forsake scientific research to instead build complex, yet flawed financial scams

It’s God’s Will that his messengers on earth seduce children & perform sodomy, though both are sins

Killing for peace should not be a cause for confusion in our hearts - as will someday be made clear

Why our omnipotent God needs to test us though he already knows all results, stays beyond our grasp

We can only solve His cosmic riddle regarding our existence with a blind leap into deep religious faith

Certainly there is no need to question why He chose only us as His exceptional people on this earth

There is a hidden purpose to my watching football 16 hours a week and discussing stats another 10

He has a plan for the homeless so I ignore them daily and besides, I tithe weekly at my mega-church

God won’t command me to recycle and Jesus never preached of lowering consumption or energy use

Meddling with divine climate change is actually an act of human arrogance, far too full of our hubris

He commands we topple evil regimes which are actually the bedeviled client states of His false gods

It’s God’s will that those recruiting suicide bombers remain alive to gather new martyrs for His glory

Don’t fret over why my child chews lead-based paint chips while yours lives 99.9% bacteria free

There’s a far deeper meaning to blowing up occupied girls schools than it is now ours to be privy to

Mother’s lying senseless in her own wastes for many years of dementia must not sway our deep faith

With His silent pre-approval they scan our vapid tweets, texts, emails, cell calls and facebook posts

Under his plan I segued seamlessly from unemployment to disability and thence to my social security

That He chose lives of ignorance, poverty and suffering for them but not me is not mere random fate

So you see, we don’t have to ask why we alone are the entitled and exceptionist people of this world

We can sleep peacefully knowing that it’s all simply a small part of God’s perfect and mysterious plan

It Aint Always Easy Ta Ignore Them Socshylists

You dont just jump inta like editorials or them op-eds after readin only fastfood menus fer years

Not gonna go dumbass exercisin ever day cuz its sweaty, boring and I aint got the time ta waste on it

They’re sayin my tastes will change from bacon & cheese to brocolli & tofu, but I sure aint seein that

It aint easy ta accept any doubt in my life after christ has answered everona my questions fer so long

Not at all convinced I shud give up my ramtuf Hemi fa them elitist global warmin conspiracy mongers

They just don’t get that if we all carried weapons we could end ever shootin rampage real quick

We’re just tryin ta get by, but their job-killing socialist agenda is costin us all ahole lotta money

Caint even swaller their lies about the st00pid school test scoresa them whatever roomanian loosers

We sure do deserve some real relief from them defraudin credit card and lyin homeloan companies

I gotta struggle jest ta keep my head straight what with bein insida this vast liberal media centrifuge

Tryin ta save fer our golden years, but with 0% inerest on savins we figgered gold was the way to go

We got problems with government sniffin our tweets but god is welcome to our innermost thoughts

It wadnt easy ta balance work and family life so now I’m tempin and livin in another blended family

It really hurts fallin outta the middle class - lucky we still got 3 credit cards ta keep the dream alive

It’s gettin so a guy caint hardly afford jetskis, snowmachines, harleys or a new pickup ever 2 years

Theyre still buggin us ta recicle but that aint eny parta my pursuita happiness or personal freedom

Nope, cant get them dirty Arabs ta see the truthta them Traditional Family Values that we export

You ever try ta lose weight, lower yer bloodpressure, watch the sugar and yer colesteral all at onct?

Its difficult ta bloom under the weighta that failed socialist agenda they keep shovelin up ontoppa us

It aint easy ta watch em smother our heroic enterpeenurs under ever more taxes and fool regelations

Cant even find a decent barista job much less start payin off my mountain of worthless college loans

Its getting harder ta realize our divinely-granted exceptionist role given our ongoing economic woes

Strugglin ta hold out til the good new jobs they promised us when they outsourced us finally get here

It’s tuf ta get Disability after yer Unemployment runs out and you still got 15 years til Social Security

It aint easy ta find time ta cook family meals so we mostly set down ta Mac&Cheese or MickieD’s

Tryin ta push back on the moochers who got so badly addicted ta them corrupt socialist entitlements

Keepin up with the $350/mo fer cable, cell & internet is still hard even without eye & dental care

How you think it feels ta not have the caish ta fix the new ATV my kid smashed up last summer?

We’re swimmin real hard against a flooda muddy propaganda from the leftwing fakenews conspiracy

Yessir, we’re strugglin heroically against those tryin ta rob us of our sacred right ta bear firearms

Havin ta fight hard everday ta stay fer free in our unfairly underwater home…fer the last 3½ years!

Its getting more difficult ta blow off alla them untruths regardin overeatin, drinkin and couch surfin

Havin ta ignore more and more dumbass internationalist liars regardin our falling standarda living

How’d u lieta hafta look at yer once little darlins layin round covered with creepy tattoos & piercins?

Its like a full time job ta juggle credit card balances around sos ya pay under 30% inerest ever month

It aint easy ta keep stoppin ta smell them roses while still goin fer the gusto and like livin fer taday

Our Apartment Cowboy Saint

Yup, He does live right down the hall from us and He’s got a real nice old pickup parked outside, too

Yer goddamn right He votes straight republican And He keeps it locked on the Fox, jest like we do

His teeth hurt as bad as mine so we drove 5 hours ta some free clinic but by 4:00 AM we was too late

And that Guy has some really nice automatic firearms and a valid concealed weapon permit

His mom and dad live with Him, as well as some lady and her kids from acupla her other marriages

Told me that the freakin EPA has got to go and we hafta get the US out of the UN and vice-versa

Said tax blessings fer the rich will damn straight float all of our boats back up an inta the good times

Acourse, liberals are always attackin Him with that junk science and ther woreout socialist agindas

He’s got the bankers backs insteada knockin down their walls cuz He knows theys too big ta fail

And, shit man, He’s always got a cold one in the fridge for any guy stoppin by to watch foopbawl

Revealed aliens tryin ta take over the country as liberals aim ta give away our national sovereignty

Lives by soundbite common sense and faith, not NPR or the NYTimes, so that’s what we’re doin too

He helped us burn down the last abortion clinic in the state and even got a shot off at a fleeing MD

The farkers foreclosed on His house too, but luckily He had already spent alla His 3 HELOCs

Happily, them repo parasites never tuk His busted up boat, ATV, jetskis, snowmobile or dirtbikes

Them illegales stole His carpenter job and He was on unemployment fer 3 years, jest like me

He never wenta college but He sure knows the difference butween junk science and industree studies

Aint no freakin vegan and you don’t see no queer green recyclin box by His front door, either

Sometimes we hear good old country music driftin thru His walls and He’ll commence ta sing along

Told us about the job-killin regelaters working against His father who anyways still blesses America

Skinny as a rail except for a fat little belly, the free clinic says He’s pre-diabetic, just the same as us

Refused ta signup fer no freedim-stealin obamacare tax right along withalla the restaus loyal patriots

Hey, I won $20 on a lotto ticket I bought one day when we went in for BigGulps and Doritos on break

He laughed out loud when theyas talking global warming with some squirmin liberal scientest on TV

Told us our Traditional Family Values™ are at the core of the Newer Testament He’s been workin on

Knows we gotta nuke them Arabs back ta the stone age startin first with them heathen Irainians

Made sure we know that clean air and water are free and our meat animals got no everlasting souls

Well, actually the poor SOB don’t got no more saved up fer His golden years than you or me

Showed us how ta find answers fer any perplexin issue in that Good Book He’s mostly memorized

Somebody seen Him smack a damn Prius real hard with His big truck door over to the mall parking lot

Sure enough He said we was born to be prosperous in this blessed land, if we’ll just keep ta the faith

He’s cullectin SSI too, that’s for sure and He gets all His Chinese stuff down to Wal*Mart jest like us

Said somebody’s gotta stand up ta them godless jihadis and it falls ta us not them squishy Eurolosers

He told the kids ta be grateful fer coal-fired A/C on everonea them recerd hot days we keep havin

He never went to freakin college but He knows they better keep their damn hands offa our medycare

They aint no comprymises in His beliefs and we won’t let no sinful give and take pervert His truth

I Really Do Need Lots of Guns!

Wow, I need a gun here right now, nexta my pillow cuz what if them UN helicopters hover tonight...

OK, what if that big black hand reaches into my window… later on when everybody else is fast asleep

I keep it warm and well-hidden, right next to my skin - on the way to church each Sunday morning

And it feels so good when I touch off a few rounds and some prairie dogs or such vermin just explode

I expeschilly like rubbing that smooth barrel up and down while it’s still warm and smoking

With this shapely 30 shot automatic in hand I’m ready to stand my ground - Anytime and anywhere

Hey, I’m just harking back to them good old pilgrim fathers who chiseled out our holy constitution

Yup, the right to deadly force is among the most deeply-rooteda alla our sacred tradishnal vayues

The very idea of even regelatin assault weapons sets my proud, violent, radicalized blood ta boilin

What we actually need are neighborhood anti-tank and anti-aircraft brigades ta foil CIA incursions

Why, at this very moment I could squeeze one off in the face of a drugged carjacker or pushy cicylist

God bless the NRA cause, whoa baby, I really need all my guns right here, right beside me, right now

Took a firearm safety class with my 3^rd grader and now she just loves to go shooting with her Daddy

Sitting quietly on my lap, she counts the shells in her chamber as we break down our pistols together

The wife’s got a very ladylike .38 she slips right on down into her purse as she heads in for a pedicure

To me, being armed is like being dressed, and you best believe I don’t even hop inta bed neked

The certainty that I have the power ta solve social problems by ending lives colers alla my actitudes

And, as everybody knows from the Good Book, jesus spoke out against gun control plots way long ago

For He commends us not only against the infidels but demands we take an eye for an eye and stuff

It’s a win-win-win situation combining our sacred religious duty with patriotism and sensual pleasure

Good God, I need my guns like I need ta eat every day and that’s really all I shudhafta say about that

Whenever I leave the house I got my checklist: Wallet, cellphone, handgun, BigGulp, sunglasses, keys

Hey, dont you think I dont know them socialist hivers meanta rob meamy godgiven right ta bear arms

But when the shit hits the fan, we’ll take off for the woods in my pickup loaded with rifles and ammo

After all, guns are a big parta what it means to be a Man here in The Greatest country on the planet

Yup, from pilgrim ta cowboy ta redneck an honored heavily-armed tradition been handed down ta me

We aint standin fer no weapons tracking, smart guns or fingerprinted ammo, either, no gotdam way!

The feds got no right to know what I got up here in my home arsenal but they can tap them tweeters

I need a gun or I wunna feel complete and my whole lifestyle would not make any real sense…

It’s even more than self-protection, why, it has a lot to do with who I am and what I truly believe in

Them occasional mass killings simply prove that our citizens needs to remain ever armed and vigilant

Yea, in a righteous world 4 or 5 civilians would open up on wack shooters anywhere, public or private

Yup, I read that American Rifleman magazine in the privacy of my bathroom and God bless my guns

You might as well ask me to give up good old red meat as to surrender my treasured, shiny firearms

Ya see, gun control actually should only be about keeping a steady aim and a smooth trigger finger

So, I’ll see you down to that next gunshow in Arizona, checkin out bikinis & unregistered automatics

ThE Greatest Country On The Planet

Look, we got good old red meat on the grill, a sixpack in the fridge and the NFL live on the bigscreen

So, despite ther BS studies, This here is still ThE best place in ThE world ta be so blessed ta live in

Our divinely-granted exceptionist role demands us ta ignore them soverenty-stealers overta that UN

I mean check out my new pickup and then how all the rest of them like somalis go grubbin around

Acourse we got the best damn roads in the world and the tufest trucks ta conquer allathem potholes

Check out our monster military which’d just crush whatever ferin hordes that’d ever dare ta defy us

Take a look at these special children we’re groomin ta take our places as tomorra’s global leaders -

Alla them lying elitist media satistics tossed aside, our kids are still ThE worlds Best and Brightest

We got all them squirrelly, vegan, socialist traitors cornered over ta NPR - which we’ll shortly abolish

Hey, I’m proud ta declare that cheap, coalfired A/C works perfect on everonathem recerd hot days

Don’t give a shit if they say them germans got solar and the highest skyscrapers are bein built in asia

Why, they’ll all just collapse back inta commonist stone age onct we cut off all that wasted ferin aid

Jealous of our incredible progress, they wanna hobble us with bogus hoaxes like that global warmin

Believe me, we don’t just shout ‘God Bless America’ fer nethin, We know that He will, and, Everday

Yeah, and this here is ThE richest nation in the world despite alla that elitist fake resurch news crap

OK, tell me this: Where else can you back up your religious freedom with a concealed assault weapon?

We’ll get gas back ta $2.00 soonas we dump them unconstetutional, job-killin EPA drillin regelations

Sure we got our problems, but at least We can already speak English, as godfearin folks was intended

Where else you gonna get a new SUV no-money-down and drivethru for a triple bacon cheeseburger

Wont stand for no grandmaw-killin euro-style death panels corruptin ThE worlds finest health system

We don’t need no high-speed rail, that’s namely one more example of yer intrusive socialist nannyin

Hey frenchies! Keep yer stoopid millametrs cuz we aint intersted in no DC lectric, thanks fer nethin!

Got ThE finest, freest fastfood system ever seen and it keeps down food prices fer the poor real well

No sir, here we dont let em tell us to eat tofu and ther naggin tirades about exercisin caint scare us

And, our sacrid constitution prohibits them forcin us into that lameass reciclin BS without payin up

We increase our diabetes, hypertension and heart disease at rates that keep asians playin catchup

We’re just about ta get them good new jobsa tomorrow we was promised when they offshored us all

Our financial system is the envy of the world so we protect that it stays too big to fail, or even slip

Just sos you know, Our constitution was pretty much handed down like moses got them stone tablets

Yet elitist conspirators keep lying about crap like infant mortality, life expectancy and literacy rates

But it’s our boys who shoulder the world’s burden of fightin em over there and not here at home

Our farmers feed the planet using giant tractors, fossil water, and the latest in GMOs and pesticides

And who provides the world with music and movie entertainment? It sure aint them Bollywood hindis

Why even peasants who dont have clean drinkin water can always get a Coke in nonrecyclable plastic

And that Marlboro Man of ours rides real tall on all them open ranges from Mongolia overta Patagonia

This here is still ThE greatest country on earth and we sure dont need no junk science ta prove it

Gimme That Good Old Red Meat - Cheap!

Hell, after all, “They're only animals”

Them vegans make me laugh, always whinin about some food animal holocaust goin on all around us

I jest ignore tales of atrocities committed on the spicy buffalo wings I suck down with good cold beer

Whatever antibiotic overuse dont really breed whatever resistant bacteria thats gonna get insida me

Why, I never even notice them smelly trucks goin by crammed with cattle shittin in each others faces

I say let the market decide how to handle em sos to put the cheapest meat on our good family tables

I don’t ever think about chicks confined to tiny, no-turn-around spaces pecking at each other’s faces

Hey, I’m OK ignoring highly automated mass production of inferior, food-grade life forms…fer profit

Look, if Chinese peasants work 16 hrs/day and sleep 20 to a room, why should piglets giteny better?

Aint listening ta their blatherin bout 3000 cows releasing the untreated shit ofa halfa-miyon people

Its not my problem if farms squeezed by Tyson choke Chesapeake oysters in untreated chicken crap

I support freedom-loving ranchers overgrazing, trampling and shitting in streams on our federal lands

And we must control any predators threatening their ruggedly-independent, gov’t-subsidized lifestyle

Just hush your fool squallin bout torturin them herd animals with an efficient solitary confinement

And stop promotin some fictional terror driving them thru dark lines at them bloody slaughterhouses

We’ll take our meat plastic-packaged and quite as unemotional as our Doritos, Thank you very much

Not interested in pichers athem layin in toxic muck in feedlots, Hey, they dont even know any better

Cost accountants and production engineers kin make the morally-right husbandry decisions fer us all

And our kids love squeezing extruded hamburg outta plastic cylinders lubricated with that pink slime

We laugh at the stupid lie that feedlot practices make our juicy grilled steaks wicked-carcinogenic

Hey, I aint looking at their faces! I just pick out their packaged parts in bright, clean, friendly stores

Simply refuse ta hear lame rants about red meat and nitrates causing all like heart attacks and shit

Really enjoy reaching for a good old doublemeat, bacon cheeseburger from my truck at the drivethru

Not concerned with the raw materials, but I do keep a close eye on the pricea finished meat goods

Meat’s just a part of our divinely-ordained dominion over this wonerful world He created jest fer us

Anyways, dumb animals have neither soul nor reason and they don’t feel pain, much less emotions

So, gahead - Truck them factory inputs around jest like theyas lumber, gas, beer or chinese drywall

After all, we been enjoyin meat for miyons ayears, we still need it to survive and we need it cheap

Ya know, them steers ain’t our kids pet dogs or something and it aint at all like damn cannibalism

I say ‘Out of Sight and Out of Mind’ until I get em up and sizzling on my $1500 backyard barbecue

See, the thoughts of real men don’t include nethin regardin the dignity and emotional needsa hawgs

An I’m sickta death athem elitist lies about sausage, bacon, salami and hotdogs rottin out my colun

Were bein good stewards: after all, we manage their lives from birth decon to slaugherhouse disposal

Look, I just gotta have some juicy red meat at least twice a day or my feminine side starts to emerge

And how can my boys grow up ta kill or be killed if I feed em that pusy damn tofu and soft white rice

I could care if they fatten cows on grain we could eat but they caint digest and then need more drugs

Intermsa meat, the Wal*Mart price philosophy does the trick fer us good traditional working families

The Geriatric Question, Final Solutions

    “Nature is cruel; Therefore we are also entitled to be cruel” - Adolf Hitler

At 50 all our workers become eligible for permanent external transfers and lose all promised benefits

It shall be established in court and buttressed by statute that age-related prejudice cannot be proven

Corporate bankruptcies can routinely renege on all pledges made to retirees – with no legal backlash

There is to be no shame associated with selling parents into poverty so that they can get on Medicaid

It will not be viewed as prejudicial to vilify the old for their disproportionate share of medical costs

Politicians ignore the aged at their own peril - until they’re sure they can win without their votes

It is a winning policy to gut social security funding in the guise of a payroll tax cut to win an election

Unlike the fats, blacks and gays, comedians may ridicule seniors in any way and context they see fit

We’ll just ignore all the crime which odiously targets the aged with slick and honest-sounding frauds

One tacit Traditional Family Value™ is that our frayed elders are as irrelevant as that old 20^th century

Nobody needs ever ask how forced retirees will survive for 35 years without any savings or benefits

All shall silently agree that those no longer allowed to contribute labor have earned a duty to die

Seniors must wear easily-identifiable, ill-fitting, out of style clothes at all venues, public and private

The aged may be herded into expensive, gated communities which even they wont label as ghettos

Stubborn old fools who refuse to conform may dine alone on pet food while they freeze in darkness

The pre-funeral health industry is hereby granted access to smilingly drain the savings of our elders

Citizens may politely ignore their limping, half-blind, zombie-like demonstrations for social equality

Their faulty memories are not to be confused with the stressed data overload of our own blurry lives

Briefly mumbling at their expensive IC bedsides shall be deemed good enough to see them off forever

It is proper to drain their time and money as volunteers once they’ve been excreted from their jobs

Oldsters must self-identify by driving too slowly in tiredly-clean cars with right-wing bumper stickers

They shall be gathered together and fed donated food while listening to old music thru hearing aids

They must accept that costly, boring cruise ship tours really are the dream vacations of their lives

Over 60s will be prescribed different, brandname drugs by each doctor without regard to interactions

To cap their abusive medical expenses, the old must forever pay all the never-ending cost increases

After lifetimes funding parent’s social security, their own benefits must go for schooling illegales kids

They shall be convinced that daily slow limping and eating sawdust will yield them long and rich lives

Their non-profit interest groups may sell them out behind closed doors and then lie to them about it

The elderly have no need to understand criminally overly-complex retirement financial milking scams

The government may decimate senior savings by artificially holding interest rates below inflation

TV may smilingly patronize the old, showing them performing formerly simple tasks, Almost normally

Doctors are encouraged to get rich being surrogate friends and family to lonely and decaying retirees

There shall be no guilt associated with warehousing parents grown too burdensome for our busy lives

Geriatrics will be weaned off the entitlement mentality via forced feedings of Personal Responsibility

Seniors must lose their false entitlement regarding benes they were always told that they had earned

Doctors and relatives may discuss a flagging elder in the third person, as if they were not even there