We Got No Need Fer Fekin Readin

1 of 7 American adults find anything more advanced than children’s books to be very challenging – nces.ed.gov, 2009.

Lissen, I got no need ta read cuz I gotta smartphone ta look up any kinda stuff I gotta know about

The register makes change for me at my job so WTF do I need to know how to do like math for

Hey, spellin just aint importent in this modern world were tweetin on thru

Oh, right, like I might need ta read subtitles on some boring and stupid forin movie

Proud ta say we don’t own nonea them useless books, cept the King James – not emen a checkbook

Well, just what would I read anyways, some wack liberal NYTimes or NPR government fake news?

No sir, ta keep up ta date on them libral schemes, we’ll jest keep her locked right here on the Fox

Like I munna sedown and read that 15 page legal docament contract ta my iPhone: Nobody else does

Yup, we signed that mortgage - but it was all jest a packa legal lies and fraud we dinit really get

But there aint nonea that fineprint in the bible so all that’s just the devil’s handiwork ta be ignored

You just ax anybody, them sientists is a buncha sissy geeks whatre so way outta touch with reality

But I got thousandsa sports satistcs regardin my belovd home team right up here & at my fingertips

Ta me, litercy today means knowin how ta runa touch screen and such

And everbody knows ya sure don’t need yearsa schoolin ta sort out the hogwash comin outta google

That is, my criticel thinkin skeels don’t rely on some backbonea school book learnin ta work right

Look, you just back off, I can read any restrint menu I might actually want to…

So, ya see it jest aint important to are lifestyle if my kids test out behind like them whateffin Finns

But I’ll be happy ta swap soundbites with them yella-belly librels - or small arms fire fer that matter

The real men I watch in HD don’t set there readin and shit, they bend down in tights and get after it

And as fer writin - now just what on god’s green earth is that supposed ta actuelly be for?

You can take yer grammer, spellin and whatever punktuation and u just go see how far it gets u

After all, too much lernin jest destroys a guys good god-given common sense, aint ya seen?

Enaways, I got an app that’ll read eny stuff I really need - right out loud ta me

Really, getting us ta read all the time is jest one waya gettin our attention offa ther socialist plots

I don’t hafta like like do the math on my job and they aint payin me ta read no gotdam books, ether

Hey I can read the numbers on my Lotto tickets good enough to know that it’s better luck next time

And who really gives a shit about them whatever hunrert or so ingreedints in abaga Doritas, anyway?

Watchin shit blow up in HD is way more stimulatin than settin all quiet in some corner just readin

Enaways, if you caint get it ta fit it inta a 30 second soundbite you aready lost my attintion

Alla them collige gradu8ts workin over ta that elitist Starbucks aint needin ta read nothin, so there

And ya know, it aint plitically correct or HUD-Approved ta favor bookworms over us common folks

Readins just about as importent as stuff like that BS recicling, and theyll hafta pay me ta do that too

Hey they aint denyin unqualified LBGT, handycapped wimmen acolor promotions cuz theys illiterate

Now look, Don’t ya think if readin was so dam vital that I’d already know about it?

Busides, alla them installation instructions was translated by hindis from whatever chinese nonsense

Enaway, I really caint make out anya them little-teeny squiggles and I caint afford no gotdam glasses

Heaven On Earth for Fox and Friends

How it could be, out from under their fredom smotherin elitist conspearacy

Everbodyd be fingerin concealed weapons in all public places, lookin out ta pincushion some shootr

That overreachin EPA’d be jest a bad memory that caint hobble our blessed family lifestyles no more

You wutnt never hear no more fool harpin on the fictshunal evilsa doublemeat bacon cheeseburgers

Gas’d be an affordable $2 a gallon like it rightly auter be in a truly freed-up dumestic energy market

Foopball would last all year long and we won’t be dippin no brocolli or carrots with our Doritas

Government wouldn’t be subsidizin wimpy hybrids over gutsy diesel family pickups no way - no more

We’d give back stolen federal lands ta the people – big oil, real estate men and ATV adventurers

Alla our leaders’d make big decisions, like destroyin them islamic fanatics, with ther saviours counsel

We’d swap out their elementary school hands-on sex-ed manuals fer copysa school prayers & bibles

A free, unObamacared marketplace would see ta the healtha all our people, with utmost efficiency

Wacko protesters against such as mountain top removal coal mining would be given firehose therapy

Dope smokers’d be pilloried nexta neighborhood bars tabe spit on or kicked by patriotic alcoholics

Boys, that NPR & PBS’d be shutdown faster than you kin spout a single Fair and Balanced soundbite

We’d hustle the US outta that lame one world UN and get it way the hell outta this fair land of ours

Our borders would be secured but employers could still mistreat and cheat throwaway illegal workers

The gument’d get right outta the binessa species preservation, pollution control & CO2 nonsense

Alla them moochers’d be shoved off welfare, disablility, unemployment, food stamps & medicaid

No more ragging BS gov’t ads about cholesterol, diabetes, obesity, exercise or blood pressure

Bush & Cheney’d be right up there, on Mt Rushmore with Reagan and Trump and them other heroes

We’d sure enough end that lameass reinterduction and kill alla them shittin wolves & grizzlies – agin!

All of us’d get free rEfIs with lowered principal and interest rates sos we kin tap some more equity

Them spotted owls, blind desert pupfish and such crap would hafta adapt ta progress or move out

That sin of sodomy would be treated just like the bible says it should – without no medical benefits

We’ll all be filled with ignorant pride parrotin canned soundbites and forwardin unquestioned tweets

Heroic CEOS’ll bring in them good-payin jobsa tomorrow which they promised when they offshored us

We’ll all be kickin global warmin ass just by adjustin down our patriotically coal-fired A/C units

Our dEfense would finally be rebuilt after decades of cowardly peacenik liberal decimation

Alla them minorties would finally see how ther innerests line rite up with old white republican men

They’d be no more talk regardin the rightsa souless cows, pigs & chickens ta whatever like dignity

That silly reciclying nonsense would surely be just a funny memory, same as them lame snowflakes

Everbody will agree that there organic crap was just a spensiv, bad-tasting, not-too-nutritious scam

We’ll all recognize that clean water, air and shit are god-given rights that don’t need no regelatin

That Arab obama would not only be known as the worst president but he’ll still be in jail fer treason

Wouldn’t have ta worry bout them traiterous socialists getting they hands on our medicare no more

Wont hear no more talk about raisin taxes on the brave entrepeenurs who create the jobs fer alla us

Private inerprize’ll build any new roads, bridges, waterworks, sewers and such what we may need

Keepin Our Priorities Straight

Today, the country pays the price for the left-wing ideologies that ran rampant in the 20th century – The American Conservative

Not wastin no funds like rebildin old bridges, failin sewers, bad roads, lektrik grids & water supplies

Gotta shove them illegales back without no amnesty but I sure aint gonna go pick that gotdam brocolli

Aint inerested in hearin about like shattered ecasystems cause they ain’t hurt me none at all

But orchestrated celebrity wardrobe malfunctions are definitely worth menshinin…quite often

Not even gonna consider their wacko BS bout some looming global fresh water shortage craptrap

Now, the threata gun control…That’s somethin we always gotta be perpetchile on alert for

You can jest STF-up yer fact-fudgin, elitist, global warmin power grab, ya traitrus libral snowflakes

But we do need ta hurryup & get them moochers off medicaid, unemploymint, foodstamps & disabilty

CorproAg dead soil, antibiotics, fertilizer & pesticide abuse, GMOs & water waste are jest irrevelent

Now then, let’s set down and talk foopbawl stats - and ax me how my fantasy league picks are doin

Yr bogus human-caused mass estintion is bout as critical ta me as the bugs smashed on my winshield

More importntly, I’m busy decidin shud I buy a new jetski, snowmachine, ATV, RV or a dirtbike next

The dignitya factory meat and the proper treatment of ther wastes aint no parta my buyin decisions

Damn straight we gotta stop teachin this unproven evilution over god’s absulute lawr of creationism

Aint no fairytale NewAge sustainabilly dopesmoke gonna affect my next vote, none at all, whatsoever

I do wanna know when them good jobsa tamarra they promised when they offshored us are comin in

Unending goverment shutdown crises are gonna earn us some real political victerys real soon now

Busides, the most important thing is ta make sure our libral enemies don’t get nethin done at all

We’ll take viralized soundbites over their shady and twisted so-called scientific satistics, anytime

Its vital ta spend more time studyin cell plans & credit card rates than on boring like retirement plans

I aint doin that wack reciclin crap unlest and until they start paying me ta do it - like they shud

Them quiet overpriced habrids are fer them meterosexuls and such. Me & my Ram-tough hemi rule.

That big shit called the Dead Spot the Mississippi takes with our toxins in the Guf aint on my radar

Leaders gotta talkta ther personal saviors when makin such decsions as liberatin them evil califates

The healtha this country aint measured by the cunditiona them convenient sewers, AKA our rivers

Everbudy knows that like GDP and the Unemployment numbers are the real measuresa our progress

Mountain top removal and power plant mercury emissions aint rightly parta any bill fer coal-fired A/C

Chicken crap from squeezed producers that’s killin chesapeake bay oysters don’t even matter to me

Jest cuz u caint go swimmin or eat the fish yer kids catch aint no reason ta get all like preturbed

Keepin in mind that this overpopelation myth flys right in the facea gods order ta go out and multiply

Gotta get ridda socialist entitlements cuz they just stimulat them multi-generational welfare queens

We got no use fer this dam obamacare cuz we already get our healtcare fer free - Down to the ER!

Absulutly hafta get the gumint outta our biness but sniffin at all them emails, tweets & shit: A-OK!

It’s a sure thing that if it takes a collige dugree ta read it, it just aint worth knowin about enaway

Don need no gov’t nannyin on what ta eat and specially not ther lame meddlin junk about exercisin

Jest keep them 12 candy, salty snack & frozen treat aisles…and get that freerange shit outta my way

Misguided Socialist Complaints:SAD!

    “I am telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder” - Matthew 5:22
That fat, lazy Texan smoking in his oversize truck with the windows up in the grocery store fire lane

The jetskis, snowmobiles, ATVs, jeeps and dirtbikes behind fatass RVs with hot tubs and generators

Some useless former actor-politician pimping seniors reverse mortgage scams with a con artist smile

That libertarian free speecher with his truck window decal showing himself pissing on our President

Those so terribly clever sales tactics silently decreasing sizes 20%, but not yet raising the price

Congress and the president taking August off as well as only working 2.5 days/wk with job security

The fact that Bush will soon be a hero notwithstanding all their so-stupid lies and so many deaths

Another clueless redneck spraying 150 decibels out the jacked up giant pickup he can’t even afford

All those stories you don’t see anywhere else and all those you’ll never see on the Fair and Balanced

Bribed opinion leaders trusting only in Jeeesus, smugly certain that climate change science is a scam

Programmed talking heads whose continued employment hinges totally on their pissing people off

A corporate stock rising and its furtive CEO’s bonus increasing - On the great news of more big layoffs

Hearing for 20 minutes that “your call is very important to us, please stay on the line for the next...”

Having that nice person say they don’t make the rules - and that nobody you can talk to does, either

Ram-tough truck owners who struggle just to get up off the couch to fetch more Cheetos and beer

Angry illiterates ready to bomb the shit out of people and places they can’t spell or find on a map

Seeing lower class whites vote for their republican outsourcers who view them as entitled moochers

Paying $100 a month for the 2 channels the kids watch 15 minutes a day but keep on on 24x7

Spending months playing gov’t shutdown brinksmanship while everything else remains totally ignored

Government forced into spanish by slimy politicians just looking for votes: Europeans never got that

A narrow focus on GDP and Employment %s over the natural systems that foster their very existence

Reading daily new reports about the current man-made mass extinction that enables our progress

Seeing that the only action on climate change is to slice up the thawed arctic for resource extraction

Corpros draining ancient aquifiers for free and letting it mostly evaporate, sprayed into the hot wind

Those whose incessant, mindless mantra is “The US is ThE Greatest Country on Earth, USA-USA-USA!”

Hearing cretins who can’t read menus spout ‘Only Here can you get rich by yer own hard work alone’

Being told over and over again that competition gives us ThE finest healthcare system on thE planet

The certainty that our constitution is the holy grail, handed down to our forefathers by almighty god

Having a responsibility to babysit the Muslim world while everbody else just sits back and criticizes

65 year old, part-time doctors “earning” $200k a year with full benefits whose patients make $8/hr

Falsely trumpeting expiration of tax cuts for their 1% donors as ThE largest tax increase in history

The zero-sum game of replacing a good old boy network with various minority empowerment groups

The Catholics refusing to ordain women while coddling pedophiles and dressing oh, so openly gay

SUVs & P/Us idling obesely in drivethrus for that arterial sludge AKA bacon-double-cheeseburgers

Ruggedly independent welfare ranchers decimating federal wetlands and demanding predator control

Leadership that consists of wearing suits and reading speeches tuned for the latest voter opinion poll

Let A Deplorable Freedom Ring

Hey! Caint nobody tell us not ta suck down 42oz. BigGulps all day long…if that’s what we wanna do

Aint the gotdam goverments biness if I wanna injoy triple beef bacon cheeseburgers ever damn day

And I kin drive my loud, giant, jackedup pickup any way I want cause I’m the one payin fer her fuel

Ya see, them are choices I make all on my own - And aint that what our sacred fureedom’s all about?

They flat caint make me go ta somedamn spensive health club and do whatever st00pid exercisin

Aint nobody got no right ta make em putt the freakin calories all over the place, way up in my face

eFinARight right we aint standin fer no assault weapon ban, ammo trackin or background checks

By god our kids love hotdogs and it’s about our freedom of choice - not them washinton regelaters

Its like that reciclin BS - Why on gods green earth would enybudy do that if they wasnt brainwashed?

We caint let the bastards choke off our patriotic coal industry and deny us our energy independunce

And them traitorous liberals are all the time tryin to give over our precious sovernty ta them UN nutz

So sicka know-it-all women govermint esperts tryin tatell us not to eat stuff that tastes just great

Look, the only thing them regelaters ever do is cost us honest, hardworkin folks lotsa jobs and money

Gotta stop them teachin that sinful, unproved evilution and bring back school prayer and bible study

We jest gotta repeal that unconstetutional obamacare socialist government healthcare takeover mess

And we also hafta end alla that wasted ferin aid thats financin our enemies and bankruptin us

I gots ever right ta use my SUV as a 3 ton personal air-conditioner or heater wherever I’m idlin in it

Get the damn FDA outta my like colun with their fool rants about baloney, sausage and pepperoni

Pull that disgustin NPR & PBS crap off the air cause a free people are sicka payin fer their elitist lies

Closedown that job-killin EPA, fire alla their burycrats and roll back everona they overreachin rulins

Hey, we dinit fight thather Revelooshunerie War ta be takin over by their revoltin seculer socialism

Aint spendin nethin on that messa bad science, twisted facts and lies athat so-called climate change

It’s high time we stud up ta be counted as aginst them preverted dope smokers tryinta enslave us all

Won’t see me all like knotted up in ther confusin details when there’s a good black or white choice

Wont let em demotivate our heroic job creaters by takin from them ta waste on alla them moochers

Damn straight I deserved ta have my bogus credit card debt written off - so I could go get some more

We support tappin all calls, posts and tweets cause honest, freedom-lovin citizens got nethin ta fear

Aint never givin up eatin outta fastfood plastic fer that godawful brocolli or pusish tofu

Not gonna stand fer them turnin this land into the USSA – United Socialist States of America, No Sir!

I say turn the firehoses on them idiots tryin ta WTF? humanize our efficient family meat production

We demand access ta all our public lands and we aint talkin about gotdam lameazz hikin, neither

And you jest better keep yer greedy, socialistic hands wayaway from my medicare, by the way

Well, hell no we aint payin no taxes jest cuz they foreclosed on our underwater, former ATM, house

Gotta keep them thievin illegales outta here but you kin bet I aint pickin no shitty vegetables

Elitists got it rigged sos only they kin git elected - By promisin more benes and not ta raise no taxes

We stand shoulderTashoulder with the 1% ta maintain our divinely-ordained constitutional freedoms

I Have A Nightmare

"Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!" – MLK, “I have a dream”, 8/28/63.

I saw the few of us still remaining struggle uselessly, yet in total savagery over spoiled foodstuffs

I realized they were free at last of oppressive government oversight - as well as any yoke of morality

Freed they were - from concerns over mass extinctions, global warming and their own toxic emissions

No longer did they need to ignore elevated blood pressure, weight, blood sugar and cholesterol

Not just all the free healthcare and abortion clinics, but ALL of the clinics and hospitals were closed

There was no more Monday Nite Football and nobody would ever commute angrily back to work again

I watched them lovingly exact the violent vengeance that their society had so long denied them

Laughed hysterically as fictional climate change somehow made their exceptionist land uninhabitable

Found that the best survival strategy for the kids was to combine a loud violence with selfishness

No longer did folks need to choose between poisoned factory produce and costly but wilted organics

And no one questioned their sacred right to bear arms since they were so often taking sniper fire

Found the vast number of now-useless and abandoned fossil fuel vehicles to be strangely disquieting

Saw how women caught out alone became the legitimate target of gang rape and brutal violence

Strangers were shot on sight or forced into cruel slavery without any questions or any legal recourse

Useless skills such as reading and writing were forgotten except by those called on to read the bible

Obesity and lifestyle ills quickly disappeared in peoples whose average life expectancy was only 31

The old, infirm and sick all died at their natural pace without more than familial concern for care

Vast poisoned agribusiness regions left untended, ever so slowly regained a pre-industrial state

Diptheria, rheumatic fever, measles returned to claim many kids who had even survived childbirth

Toilet tissue became but a cultural memory that turned into a fanciful legend in a single generation

I have a nightmare where vast numbers of our obese and ignorant populace simply disappear at once

Gays retreated back to the closet or were killed and abortion was performed only with boot heels

The wounded and handicapped were left behind with a bit of food and a small plastic jug of water

They carried tattered flags about until they all fell to pieces, and no more ever arrived from China

They finally did reduce, refurbish, repurpose and recycle, but only out of hungry stone age necessity

Despite our destructive habits, the earth gradually recovered thanks to our huge population decrease

After the entitlements ended, torches and pitchforks rooted out quivering executives and politicians

Greenhouse emissions finally cratered when all the power plants and refineries were abandoned

No longer were we agitated by unmuffled pickups, jetskis, snowmachines, ATVs, dirtbikes and sirens

Factory fishing ceased quite suddenly and devastated ocean stocks at last began slowly to recover

Prices for bluefin tuna and elephant ivory bottomed with no elite class to sustain that vanity demand

Hot water was only available if boiled over an open fire and kids speculated about electrical outlets

Half-wild dogs and open firepits once again became of utmost importance to our very survival

Unconstitutional taxes were replaced by bribes and sex for protection by petty and violent warlords

They no longer needed to complain about the increasing entitlements and more tax cuts for the rich

But by god, we are all created a helluva lot more equal given the universal squalor of all our lives

That’s An Alternative Fact!

Our supporters don’t listen to their lying so-called factcheckers - so we can create the news that suits our sponsors

Welcome to the highway to hell, here in the USSA – The United Socialist States Of America

Gas would only be $1.50/gallon if not for that intrusive and unnecessary government regulation

America’s greatest days remain ahead, for we alone possess a divinely-granted exceptionist destiny

Climate change is a costly, elitist scare tactic used to try to steal our precious national sovereignty

Good science can advance thru slanted polls and soundbites just as well as via reproducible research

Industry studies reveal processed meats have health benefits beyond storing toxic fat for lean times

Politicians are not quietly fostering increasing ignorance only because it keeps us easier to convince

The government’s core inflation rate is a true indicator of price trends our families are experiencing

Real estate professionals bring true expertise and a desire for a better world to their unselfish work

Corporate strategies are rooted in a deep patriotism and great concern for citizens longterm welfare

Free markets can ensure species preservation via setting high prices on items such as ivory and tuna

Our lovely planet can comfortably support 10 billion people with but a few minor agricultural tweaks

Liberals plan to take away our guns and give up our cherished freedom to that pagan United Nations

We absolutely must continue to outspend the world combined on dEfense or risk foreign domination

Medicare Death Panels already have prioritized lists of grandparents to be put down by gov’t doctors

It’s only the Far Right that has succeeded in stopping any and all efforts at political compromise

Continually retrying failed socialist policies hoping for better results is a hallmark of liberal madness

Though their contributions are not financially measurable, CEO compensation must increase annually

Chronic budget reductions can be sustainably overcome via volunteerism and doing more with less

Air is free, a fresh water supply is a god-given right and the oceans must stay open to all for profit

Our reasoned evolution of belief is the very opposite of the hated political enemy’s cowardly flip-flop

Industry-financed drug research exemplifies how market forces efficiently effect safe self-regulation

War is a genetic and moral imperative – Besides it’s a lucrative and permanent economic opportunity

Tax cuts, social program reductions and deregulation will suffice to get our country growing strongly

Globalization allows multinationals to provide us with cheaper products and good jobs for peasants

A worldwide elite conspires to tithe our precious sovereignty to a godless Eurohive of failed socialism

LGBT behavior is a lifestyle choice which can be unlearned given the proper spiritual environment

And truly the fight for gay marriage ranks right up there with women’s suffrage and negro civil rights

The feds fund stripper training in Chicago and teach NY pimps to writeoff employee meth benefits

Ranchers are right to demand predator control so their welfare cattle can trample public wetlands

Any tax increase on the rich completely robs them of their priceless, job-creating motivation

Unlimited and anonymous corporate campaign bribes are necessary to ensure our freedom of speech

Mandatory universal armament would ensure everyone’s safety from that rare wacko mass murderer

The EPA or Employment Prevention Agency must be abolished along with all its job-killing regulations

Recycling is a foolish waste of time which merely prevents market forces from operating efficiently

The return of the Good Old Days of late last century is certain given our people’s boundless optimism

Unimpaired By Reason

Unfettered by faith from review, our decisions are secure on a foundation of media-created tradition

Unimpaired by reason, we are fully capable of swallowing any form of urban myth or country legend

Our progress remains unimpeded by any of their cooked and contradictory, whatever recent findings

Likewise, our kids move forward unscathed by the sinful brainwashing of a broken education system

We remain unattracted to that failed eurosocialist nannying - so long ago proven an abject failure

Assured that their real agenda never changes, we stand unsullied by their omnipresent fake news

Unencumbered by crippling introspection we proceed purposefully upon a safe, faith-based itinerary

With thick blinders of belief, we unflinchlingly ignore the satanism of evil progressive disinformation

Actions and morals dictated by the good book, our fat & happy lives are unfazed by any uncertainty

Enlightened as to the depravity of junk science we thrive, absolutely unblemished by that fuzzy math

Unaltered by their vast global media conspiracy we stand firm by our own unbiased TV social analysts

Unhampered by doubt as to the righteousness of our cause, we march on with total clarity of purpose

Protected by our rhino-like armor of faith, we are unscarred by their fatally-proud, secular doctrine

Unconstrained by guilt over past decisions we never need perform amoral and spineless flipflopping

Untrammeled by overreaching rationality, we see right through their fantasy facts and fudged figures

Unrestrained by responsibility to mere objectivity, we create news to support our sponsors’ agendas

Unaffected by bad science, we out politically-spawned research hoaxes with angry opinion pieces

Unweakened by going into depth on the issues, we maintain a healthy suspicion of all those who do

Shouldering the exceptionist role granted us by our creator, we remain unswayed by BS UN statistics

Unconvinced by their amoral logic we commend ourselves to colorful soundbites of our HD clarifiers

Marinated in faith beyond any debate, we stand tall, unperturbed by His mysterious contradictions

Unmotivated to strain learning new work skills we await the Outsourcers’ promise of good new jobs

Pointedly unimpressed by lame foreign cultures we loudly emit a just contempt at their fool customs

We remain unconfused by ignoring the conflicting and bogus false choices of that elitist conspiracy

Unanimated by calls for sustainability, we proudly cleave to our traditional takeout family values

Adhering to folkways deployed long ago in the late 20^th century, we stand untroubled by new findings

Our spirits are unbroken despite their constant flow of exaggerated tweets, half-truths and total lies

Unawed by criminal over-complication, we steadfastly cling to the plain and simple, black and white

Looking right thru them, we remain unmoved by the less fortunate as we pass by them every day

Untouched by shrill calls to some limp green future, we patriotically partially consume...and discard

Simply refusing to listen to their fabrications we prosper unscathed by doubt-producing contradiction

Undiminished by philosophical progress, we cling tightly to our stale faith and its hollow traditions

We stride untraumatized by data overload thanks to our scripted purveyors of conservative pabulum

Unsatisfied with mere probabilistic experimental results we rely on self-selected Word interpreters

Our great need for armed personal protection remains undeterred by occasional shooting rampages

Undaunted by that Great Recession, we know this is still ThE Greatest Country On The Planet

ThE Greatest Country On The Planet

Look, we got good old red meat on the grill, a sixpack in the fridge and the NFL live on the bigscreen

So, despite ther BS studies, This here is still ThE best place in ThE world ta be so blessed ta live in

Our divinely-granted exceptionist role demands us ta ignore them soverenty-stealers overta that UN

I mean check out my new pickup and then how all the rest of them like somalis go grubbin around

Acourse we got the best damn roads in the world and the tufest trucks ta conquer allathem potholes

Check out our monster military which’d just crush whatever ferin hordes that’d ever dare ta defy us

Take a look at these special children we’re groomin ta take our places as tomorra’s global leaders -

Alla them lying elitist media satistics tossed aside, our kids are still ThE worlds Best and Brightest

We got all them squirrelly, vegan, socialist traitors cornered over ta NPR - which we’ll shortly abolish

Hey, I’m proud ta declare that cheap, coalfired A/C works perfect on everonathem recerd hot days

Don’t give a shit if they say them germans got solar and the highest skyscrapers are bein built in asia

Why, they’ll all just collapse back inta commonist stone age onct we cut off all that wasted ferin aid

Jealous of our incredible progress, they wanna hobble us with bogus hoaxes like that global warmin

Believe me, we don’t just shout ‘God Bless America’ fer nethin, We know that He will, and, Everday

Yeah, and this here is ThE richest nation in the world despite alla that elitist fake resurch news crap

OK, tell me this: Where else can you back up your religious freedom with a concealed assault weapon?

We’ll get gas back ta $2.00 soonas we dump them unconstetutional, job-killin EPA drillin regelations

Sure we got our problems, but at least We can already speak English, as godfearin folks was intended

Where else you gonna get a new SUV no-money-down and drivethru for a triple bacon cheeseburger

Wont stand for no grandmaw-killin euro-style death panels corruptin ThE worlds finest health system

We don’t need no high-speed rail, that’s namely one more example of yer intrusive socialist nannyin

Hey frenchies! Keep yer stoopid millametrs cuz we aint intersted in no DC lectric, thanks fer nethin!

Got ThE finest, freest fastfood system ever seen and it keeps down food prices fer the poor real well

No sir, here we dont let em tell us to eat tofu and ther naggin tirades about exercisin caint scare us

And, our sacrid constitution prohibits them forcin us into that lameass reciclin BS without payin up

We increase our diabetes, hypertension and heart disease at rates that keep asians playin catchup

We’re just about ta get them good new jobsa tomorrow we was promised when they offshored us all

Our financial system is the envy of the world so we protect that it stays too big to fail, or even slip

Just sos you know, Our constitution was pretty much handed down like moses got them stone tablets

Yet elitist conspirators keep lying about crap like infant mortality, life expectancy and literacy rates

But it’s our boys who shoulder the world’s burden of fightin em over there and not here at home

Our farmers feed the planet using giant tractors, fossil water, and the latest in GMOs and pesticides

And who provides the world with music and movie entertainment? It sure aint them Bollywood hindis

Why even peasants who dont have clean drinkin water can always get a Coke in nonrecyclable plastic

And that Marlboro Man of ours rides real tall on all them open ranges from Mongolia overta Patagonia

This here is still ThE greatest country on earth and we sure dont need no junk science ta prove it