Have A Good Day, Fearless Leader!

Maybe they’ll realize your financial expertise costs too much and earns less than dumb index funds

I hope other clients find a simple legal form on the web & save $1500 avoiding your phony services

May they back out of that big deal after discovering your greedy omissions concerning the property

With a little luck they’ll uncover another extramarital affair and finally be able to get you voted out

It could be today that the IRS ends the faith-based con with which you finance your opulent lifestyle

I ask your god that a security camera catch you lustily fondling yet another frightened new choirboy

I can only hope that one of your over-ambitious underlings will rat out your corporate connivance

It’d be so bad if more email proving you knew everything & you lied got leaked by some geeky minion

It’d be nice to hear that your spoiled kid was arrested for drugs again - despite your TV editorializing

Was cheered hearing the tale of how your son rear-ended an SUV while texting his vapid little friends

Gosh, it’s too bad that they caught you plagiarizing your speeches…but for the third time in a year?

Feel so sad that now you cant avoid the media attention you strove so hard to get, all your pushy life

Like to see another hipster snicker snarkily and walk out on your tiredly-rigged car sales charade

May your mother get into futures trading and your sister buy the funds you created to hedge against

Wish I was there when you finally realize this is The New Normal and not just The Great Recession

So sorry to hear that your vitriolic right-wing rants were the product of your addiction to pain killers

Good luck with embracing diversity through curing gays, expelling illegals and demanding voter IDs

Keep up the planet-saving work to get us all to starve locally, stop driving and not heating our homes

Sorry to hear you corrupted your latest MSProject file right before your 0s0 important status meeting

Too bad your handicapped, gay woman of color boss is just a clueless, tenured but quota-filling bytch

Its very sad that you have to work even though you have such a bad hangover after another Big Game

What a shame they know you were just lying – You did not misspeak AND you were not misunderstood

Glad to hear you lost a suit for botching a golf-hurried, Mommie Makeover that you would not refund

Congratulations on achieving stardom and then turning into a fat, perverted & bankrupt drug addict

Pity that you’re braindead after years making millions smashing into other foopbawl juicers in tights

I fondly imagine you in yer ignorant-loud, jacked-up pickup headed out to where the jobs are -Texas!

Here’s to your coveted 18-49 year olds laughingly dissing your so 20^th century attempts to court them

We anxiously await for you 1%ers to pay as high a tax rate as your disappearing middle-class footmen

I’m so sorry your proud ignorance disqualifies you for the good jobs any chinese peasant could handle

It’s such a shame that your loud, apartment cowboy lifestyle pickup got repoed: Right outside the bar

What a good feeling to see that trooper write you up after you blasted past me yelling into yr cell

Wow, so your darling little girl snuck out and got a spike put in her tongue? My heartfelt condolences

EYuck! Cant stand how your once-conceited 17 y/o blond ass turned so fat, wrinkled & sun-damaged

It was a shame that your 11 y/o boy got paralyzed driving your souped-up ATV - without any helmet

It would hurt me to hear that your disability claim was denied even tho you always voted Republican

Hope to be around when your too big to fail finally turns into too costly to bail and you go to jail

The Pursuit Of A Programmed Happiness

All men are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights…

Living large on credit cards, speeding by in fancy cars and dressing up like we was like movie stars

Asskissing, backstabbing, shoulderclimbing & downkicking my way to that penthouse office in the sky

It’s like this: a trillion totally selfish & blindly greedy decisions per day optimize our collective future

So it is, in the end truly and most importantly as I must always remember: Only and all just about me

Besides, the free market solves all our problems automagically simply by meeting my vanity demands

So, I only need to go for the gusto, live for today and try to stop & smell the roses along the way

Because Hey! God wants me to prosper: Our mega-church preacher told me so along with 1500 others

Anyways, it does seem that I can only measure my happiness by short-term changes to my net worth

The concerns of others cannot not bind me for I was created to pursue my own individual happiness

Some struggle to save the environment or to solve social problems but I was born to get ahead

And I expect the same from all the corporate entities whose stock is creating my retirement nestegg

I’m not interested in their being socially-responsible either but they must maximize their stock price

Don’t care if it’s coal or dogshit-fired, I just wanna be able to twist that thermostat when I want to

I simply must step over these homeless moochers every day on the way to fulfilling my own destiny

Its like, I have no time to recycle now but when I get really rich I may hire someone to do it for me

I tell ya, my ramtuf hemi pickup makes me feel so gooood when it throws off a smoke cloud real loud

No worry if they fall again for my next investment scam - they can go squeal for another govt bailout

Dont see how this whatever national infrastrcture mess has any bearing on the wishes I need to fulfill

When I want a burger I aint got time ta fuss over that like food animal holocaust suppozedly goin on

But, it is good to know that just keeping to our own wants & needs helps bring us all a better future

So, with stirring patriotic fervor, I strive for new cars, mansions, yachts, servants & a trophy wife

And, staying ahead on these measures assures me that I am winning big on the class warfare front

You see I combine my pursuit of happiness with the socially-Darwinian struggle we must all undertake

And I am grateful to companies that continually bring out new products that spur on my noble pursuit

Luckily, just by fulfilling our implanted marketers dreams we help ensure a brighter future for us all

I don’t get all like neurotic worrying about saving the world - Cause I just need to watch out for me

And yeah, I think my dad died happy…he was talking up his new car just 3 days before he left us

I did have to step on a few faces to get where I am but it was all in joyful, self-centered competition

So, we toast ourselves at fine restaurants and enjoy a fleeting sociopathic sense of self-satisfaction

If it’s new, I want it first. If it’s hot, I want the most expensive. If it’s scarce, I want the most.

And its not just about materialism, crushing the competition on my way up also satisfies me deeply

And don’t forget that my happiness also includes the pursuit of relaxing gasoline-powered recreation

BTW, I’m damn sure that the markets will blindly manage any so-called environmental problems, too

You see, simply by chasing my own implanted needs I really do help to make the world a better place

God bless America and our creator-revealed constitutional right to the pursuit of individual happiness

And, happily, I can look forward to an eternity of vapid wish fulfillment, up there in His paradise

Vainerabilities: The Vulnerabilities Of Vanity

He was this so-handsome man with the world at his fingertips, lots of money and boy what a charmer

She could have done anything but she just couldn’t resist racing out every time a camera appeared

Unable to admit he might have made a mistake he was forced to stay the course & never flip-flop

Her looks assured her that she deserved to be served the good life: Cars,clothes,jewels & McMansions

He failed at manual or intellectual labor but starred reading other’s speeches during big meetings

Being dressed fashionably was obviously her extreme priority…because other people would notice

His career & fame went off like a skyrocket but, as always, he just had to fondle one more bimbo

In the end, she fell into a fatal depression troweling on layers of makeup that could not hide her age

Sitting in his sports car with a young woman he did not feel like the wrinkled old fool in the rearview

She tried hard not to notice the liver spots crowding in on her pounds of expensive jewelry

The only time he professed ignorance was when his minions were caught performing his illegal orders

They both knew they were different, and a cut above the oh-so ordinary masses bred to serve them

He found it very satisfying to have waiters, servants & administrative assistants fawning upon him

He designed a giant vacation home they never used that was so hideous his estate could not sell it

Every one of the many cars he owned always had to be cleaned and shined religiously - By others

She knew for sure that everyone was looking at her as they graced the toney shopping streets

Happiness was seeing themselves properly projected on some media or another for all to see

They never really had time to study others except those rivals who got more attention than they did

He’d lend his name to most any charity so long as he got top billing in the slick advertising campaign

The ForSale signs at all her listings simply had to give over the most space to her frozen botox smile

When they finally arrested him he had already wasted his swindled millions on vapid faux-luxuries

She knew that they were both above and outside of most laws, which were obviously meant for losers

He loved that feeling of importance having an expensive lawyer as his mouthpiece to the crowds

They enjoyed sipping champagne in their firstclass seats watching as the cattle crowd slowly boarded

He fondled his combover between every sales call as he checked his winning smile in the mirror

It was obvious to her that the pursuit of happiness meant her winning at any cost to her opponents

He needed that bonus more than the employees he laidoff and outsourced to get it could ever grasp

But, way too shortly after finally filling his 19 car garage, that gnawing emptiness began once again

She enjoyed having men lust after her as she passed by gazing haughtily away, her nose held high

They both lovingly maintained deep tans despite all those FDA warnings they very smirkingly ignored

She felt so attractive in high heels she wore them until she couldn’t walk normally at all, anymore

He was the one they always counted on to charm cranky widows into investing heavily with their firm

They were quite miffed when police officers disregarded their tantrums and simply handcuffed them

Their children were mere props in their photo-essay, quickly handed back to domestics with accents

But you see, it wasn’t their fault, for they had been praised & coddled since birth for their looks

Surely they couldn’t be blamed for feeling entitled given all the little people holding doors for them?

Misguided Socialist Complaints:SAD!

    “I am telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder” - Matthew 5:22
That fat, lazy Texan smoking in his oversize truck with the windows up in the grocery store fire lane

The jetskis, snowmobiles, ATVs, jeeps and dirtbikes behind fatass RVs with hot tubs and generators

Some useless former actor-politician pimping seniors reverse mortgage scams with a con artist smile

That libertarian free speecher with his truck window decal showing himself pissing on our President

Those so terribly clever sales tactics silently decreasing sizes 20%, but not yet raising the price

Congress and the president taking August off as well as only working 2.5 days/wk with job security

The fact that Bush will soon be a hero notwithstanding all their so-stupid lies and so many deaths

Another clueless redneck spraying 150 decibels out the jacked up giant pickup he can’t even afford

All those stories you don’t see anywhere else and all those you’ll never see on the Fair and Balanced

Bribed opinion leaders trusting only in Jeeesus, smugly certain that climate change science is a scam

Programmed talking heads whose continued employment hinges totally on their pissing people off

A corporate stock rising and its furtive CEO’s bonus increasing - On the great news of more big layoffs

Hearing for 20 minutes that “your call is very important to us, please stay on the line for the next...”

Having that nice person say they don’t make the rules - and that nobody you can talk to does, either

Ram-tough truck owners who struggle just to get up off the couch to fetch more Cheetos and beer

Angry illiterates ready to bomb the shit out of people and places they can’t spell or find on a map

Seeing lower class whites vote for their republican outsourcers who view them as entitled moochers

Paying $100 a month for the 2 channels the kids watch 15 minutes a day but keep on on 24x7

Spending months playing gov’t shutdown brinksmanship while everything else remains totally ignored

Government forced into spanish by slimy politicians just looking for votes: Europeans never got that

A narrow focus on GDP and Employment %s over the natural systems that foster their very existence

Reading daily new reports about the current man-made mass extinction that enables our progress

Seeing that the only action on climate change is to slice up the thawed arctic for resource extraction

Corpros draining ancient aquifiers for free and letting it mostly evaporate, sprayed into the hot wind

Those whose incessant, mindless mantra is “The US is ThE Greatest Country on Earth, USA-USA-USA!”

Hearing cretins who can’t read menus spout ‘Only Here can you get rich by yer own hard work alone’

Being told over and over again that competition gives us ThE finest healthcare system on thE planet

The certainty that our constitution is the holy grail, handed down to our forefathers by almighty god

Having a responsibility to babysit the Muslim world while everbody else just sits back and criticizes

65 year old, part-time doctors “earning” $200k a year with full benefits whose patients make $8/hr

Falsely trumpeting expiration of tax cuts for their 1% donors as ThE largest tax increase in history

The zero-sum game of replacing a good old boy network with various minority empowerment groups

The Catholics refusing to ordain women while coddling pedophiles and dressing oh, so openly gay

SUVs & P/Us idling obesely in drivethrus for that arterial sludge AKA bacon-double-cheeseburgers

Ruggedly independent welfare ranchers decimating federal wetlands and demanding predator control

Leadership that consists of wearing suits and reading speeches tuned for the latest voter opinion poll

Vapidly Miraculous Despoilers

    “We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think that it is forever.” – Carl Sagan

100 trillion living cells in every amazing human body but he’s fixated on beer and next Friday night

Beautiful clouds and unimaginably faroff stars overhead yet shes focuses strictly on how fat she looks

There’s this gentle rain on a velvet night and we just squawk over some vapid reality show or another

That wondrous clotting cascade stops our bleeding, even as we suffocate in a sea of puerile tweets

That bio-electro cardiac miracle sustains us, though we mindlessly clog it with a factory food sludge

A marvel of evolutionary adaptation attending only to his clean pickup, upskirts and getting off work

Billions of neuronal connections process football gangstas in sexy tights smashing into each other

Our most gifted toiling only to create new methods of mass destruction for the inevitable next war

Esteemed and honored legislators blindly minding voter polls as they sales-emote canned soundbites

The Best and Brightest self-reduced to ginning complex but flawed algorithms for greedy bankers

Working and scheming 80 hours a week just to leverage an even more hyper-ostentatious McMansion

The incredible tech that forces long lives of exemplary courage upon those otherwise already dead

That gruesomely fascinating Gulf dead spot the size of Massachusetts at the anus we call NewOrleans

Pondering the incredible high-speed tech that allows us to stream kitty videos in HD - as we drive

The wonder of our 250 cable satellite channels out of which 2 blare 24x7 at nobody, for $200/month

There’s that new hi-tech surgical procedure that added several weeks to Mom’s life for only $196,500

Behold vast, complex conglomerates: Laser-focused on more profitably pushing sugar, fat and salt

As we destroy natural systems making life possible, we obsess over immaterial & petty social issues

Physicists sense 14 billion y/o events as we cling to the faded, dusty frills of long irrelevant religions

Millions of drunken sperm pursue another unwed teen’s miracle egg into multi-generational poverty

Hot wind wastes a momentary rainbow of million year old fossil water over BigAg GMO crop circles

Small brown men with large chainsaws deconstruct the climax rain forest, one ancient tree at a time

Unforeseen and toxic reactions amongst thousands of industrial chemicals occur – Inside our bodies

Meticulous and understated scientific research is satirically dismissed by amoral industry lobbyists

A massively-expensive creative force exists to push 10 mpg Ram Tough Hemis on apartment cowboys

Lawyers spend years mastering legal intricacies merely to act as parasites fighting over injured hosts

The state of the entire planet and its people simplified to poorly-estimated GDP & unemployment %s

The wonderwork of cosmology overshadowed by dusty and archaic religions based upon stale dogmas

Metaphysics ground and chunked into greasy 140 character bites, all of a wet pet food consistency

Spinning with the earth, orbiting the sun around the Milky Way, but dwelling only upon office slights

Adroitly and constantly ignoring the onrushing eternal and infinite void to which we all must return

Happily parroting movie lines, ad jingles and sports stats to each other to cover the terrifying silence

Cloaked in chinese cosmetics and clothes, her carefully died blond life justifies our boys sacrifices

Remote sensing comfort or profit, these marvels of evolutionary success roam the suburban steppes

Rainbow-hued pools of toxic chemicals hypnotize passing children, safe in their mother’s SUV pouch

The vapid tries to smother the wondrous, striving to defy the cosmos: With a loud & proud ignorance

Useless But Self-Serving Movers And Shakers

Take the man in charge of moving Krispy Kreme Doughnuts forward: In its sugar-filled, fat-laden glory

Think of the great challenges facing those climbing the sweet, black and caffeinated ladder at Coke

How do they keep their focus so sharp over at KFC, pushing the Colonels greasy pitch deep into China

Gaze upon that Captain of Industry at the helm of Frito-Lay pimping fat, sugar and salt in cellophane

How about realtors, omitting and misleading both buyers and sellers to their own greedy advantage

Or there’s always the brave Oreo management team struggling for more shelf space at kids eyelevel

Note as TooBigToFail CityBank fights for the freedom to secretly hedge against their very own funds

Observe as Dodge pushes 6 mpg Hemi Rams on not so bright yet proudly-ignorant apartment cowboys

Foreign-owned Budweiser advertises its highly-patriotic, factory-built swill as crisp and refreshing

Ya need to guzzle lotsa milk, given the unsubstantiated health claims and ignore their tortured cows

Don’t forget the $20/lb subsidized sugar and corn Honey Smacks your ad-washed kids just gotta have

Think of the TypeA execs stressing over new colors for the L’Eggs pantyhose smothering your crotch

They work hard over at Aquafina and Dasani to differentiate water for us - Using only labels and ads

Pizza Hut moves forward, shoveling more factory meat and hi-fat cheese sludge into our arteries

Smooth cosmetic surgeons tickle the middle-aged woman’s fancy with overpriced Mommy Makeovers

Admire that army of Big Tobacco lawyers that helped to push cancer sticks so profitably, for so long

Gaze upon this Nike shoe, made in the same asian sweatshop as Walmart’s but sold at 5x the price

Note how clearly they mouth Traditional Family Values™ to hide a fawning obedience to their donors

Consider how it’s our CIA spook’s patriotic duty to pruriently invade all yer privacy - in total secrecy

Think what’s in dog food imported from where they stretched their own baby formula with melamine

Then there’s that Pope, profiting on fear-driven faith with gay garb, tired dogma and stale traditions

Admire Fair and Balanced media, wildly profiting by angrily widening our people’s ideological gap

Enjoy the shit that’s so Lite and All-Natural you can feel good about being poisoned while getting fat

Honor those who provide you with spotty cell service for 200bucksa month in an airtight contract

Ignore that rich sponsors pay to spin you on only such as abortion, gun control and family values

Yes, you can! Believe in their Change - Just like alla them other greasy liars that came before them

Of course the government can’t make you eat broccoli - Even if you are already too ignorant not to

You aint payin fer obamacare but - You are paying for the moochers via your ever-higher premiums

Think of the brilliant chemists at Axe, toiling to get a hipster smell to waft from young, sweaty pits

How about those high paid lobbyists extolling Clean Coal at their expensive legislative-bribe dinners

You got Big Pharma picking and choosing which of their own paid research studies to use on the FDA

Of course Monsanto sues any soybean farmer whose crop happens to get RoundUp Ready, by accident

Look at good old Boeing artfully combining children, soft music and new bombers in institutional ads

Think you could keep a straight face pocketing your hefty bonus on higher sales athem toxic SlimJims

What a grand challenge to build a worse artery clogger than CarlsJR triple beef/bacon/cheese burger

Like us, our Olympic Unis are emblazoned ‘USA‘ on the outside but say Made In China on the inside