Heaven On Earth for Fox and Friends

How it could be, out from under their fredom smotherin elitist conspearacy

Everbodyd be fingerin concealed weapons in all public places, lookin out ta pincushion some shootr

That overreachin EPA’d be jest a bad memory that caint hobble our blessed family lifestyles no more

You wutnt never hear no more fool harpin on the fictshunal evilsa doublemeat bacon cheeseburgers

Gas’d be an affordable $2 a gallon like it rightly auter be in a truly freed-up dumestic energy market

Foopball would last all year long and we won’t be dippin no brocolli or carrots with our Doritas

Government wouldn’t be subsidizin wimpy hybrids over gutsy diesel family pickups no way - no more

We’d give back stolen federal lands ta the people – big oil, real estate men and ATV adventurers

Alla our leaders’d make big decisions, like destroyin them islamic fanatics, with ther saviours counsel

We’d swap out their elementary school hands-on sex-ed manuals fer copysa school prayers & bibles

A free, unObamacared marketplace would see ta the healtha all our people, with utmost efficiency

Wacko protesters against such as mountain top removal coal mining would be given firehose therapy

Dope smokers’d be pilloried nexta neighborhood bars tabe spit on or kicked by patriotic alcoholics

Boys, that NPR & PBS’d be shutdown faster than you kin spout a single Fair and Balanced soundbite

We’d hustle the US outta that lame one world UN and get it way the hell outta this fair land of ours

Our borders would be secured but employers could still mistreat and cheat throwaway illegal workers

The gument’d get right outta the binessa species preservation, pollution control & CO2 nonsense

Alla them moochers’d be shoved off welfare, disablility, unemployment, food stamps & medicaid

No more ragging BS gov’t ads about cholesterol, diabetes, obesity, exercise or blood pressure

Bush & Cheney’d be right up there, on Mt Rushmore with Reagan and Trump and them other heroes

We’d sure enough end that lameass reinterduction and kill alla them shittin wolves & grizzlies – agin!

All of us’d get free rEfIs with lowered principal and interest rates sos we kin tap some more equity

Them spotted owls, blind desert pupfish and such crap would hafta adapt ta progress or move out

That sin of sodomy would be treated just like the bible says it should – without no medical benefits

We’ll all be filled with ignorant pride parrotin canned soundbites and forwardin unquestioned tweets

Heroic CEOS’ll bring in them good-payin jobsa tomorrow which they promised when they offshored us

We’ll all be kickin global warmin ass just by adjustin down our patriotically coal-fired A/C units

Our dEfense would finally be rebuilt after decades of cowardly peacenik liberal decimation

Alla them minorties would finally see how ther innerests line rite up with old white republican men

They’d be no more talk regardin the rightsa souless cows, pigs & chickens ta whatever like dignity

That silly reciclying nonsense would surely be just a funny memory, same as them lame snowflakes

Everbody will agree that there organic crap was just a spensiv, bad-tasting, not-too-nutritious scam

We’ll all recognize that clean water, air and shit are god-given rights that don’t need no regelatin

That Arab obama would not only be known as the worst president but he’ll still be in jail fer treason

Wouldn’t have ta worry bout them traiterous socialists getting they hands on our medicare no more

Wont hear no more talk about raisin taxes on the brave entrepeenurs who create the jobs fer alla us

Private inerprize’ll build any new roads, bridges, waterworks, sewers and such what we may need

A Far Left Elitist Confesses

Oliver:”Hello, my alias is ‘Jarred‘ and I am an elitist and I need to share our secret agenda with you.” Group: “Hello, Jarred”

We will force you from your pickups and SUVs into costly, cramped, dangerous and sexless electrics

Our agenda includes confiscating and recycling all of your firearms as we increase our own stockpiles

We demand you surrender our overblown national sovereignty to that socialist UN New World Order

You must enjoy scraggly overpriced organic kale instead of tortured doublemeat baconcheeseburgers

Our government simply must spend trillions for global warming even if we aren’t really sure it exists

We’ll smother your ignorant and loud free speech beneath our wet blanket of political correctness

Your individual contributions shall be brutally downplayed given our focus upon group cohesiveness

Doctors must submit lists of the excess elderly for review by our obamacare death panel bureaucrats

FOX News will be shut down and be replaced by our taxpayer-funded, socialist public-broadcasting

Our stated aims will over-regulate this fair country into bankruptcy, depression and universal poverty

Our mantra is “Tax And Spend by Taking from the rich to waste on the bureaucracy of the poor…”

Everyone must be forced not only to recycle everything but to pay thru the nose for the intrusion

We intend to further cripple the military, leaving us open to terrorist attack and foreign domination

We will replace worship of those in NFL tights with an elitist need for french cyclists, also in spandex

Your home thermostats and vehicle accelerators shall be controlled by bureaucrats in Washington

Property rights will be trampled under the rubric of saving a few filthy rodents and drab, tiny birds

Gas taxes are to be quadrupled and domestic drilling shall be completely ended as soon as possible

The government will choose winning green energy companies to give huge and condition-less grants

We will transform the world such that it appears as if all citizens were handicapped in every fashion

There will be a national LGBT holiday for those vast new hordes of government workers on the dole

Instead of overbearing cosmetized talking heads shouting we shall fund only boring reasoned debates

Your lovely manicured, green lawns must wither to save water and to halt your poisoned yard runoff

Bureaucrats will determine when and how many children you are allowed to bear and abort the rest

Ranchers may only watch as cattle are killed by wolves and bears on newly confiscated gov’t lands

We intend to nationalize all golf courses and turn them into brown, unmotorized bird sanctuaries

You will report for exercise every morning before work or pay a stiff fine to be used for obamacare

Under our regime, broccoli and tofu will replace burgers and fries and people must say they like it

Work shall no longer be viewed as a key element in helping our population form positive self-images

Our secular-socialist welfare state will promise an ever-increasing stream of entitlements - For votes

Businesses will be bankrupted when we bind the federal minimum wage to the cost of living index

The poor will be paid by the government to reject undignified and/or unsatisfying job opportunities

Unemployment will be seamlessly joined to disability & then to social security for those not working

Snowmobiles, jetskis, dirtbikes, ATVs, speedboats and Harleys will taxed out of existence, ASAP

We fully intend to grant amnesty & welfare to illegal aliens as well as welcoming their entire families

New limits on noise pollution shall be strictly enforced by our Neighborhood Citizen Committees

Your trash will be taxed by weight and black ribbons will identify wasteful consumer homes to all

Hail The Anthropocene Era

Shortest geologic era on record, marked by a mass extinction due to human activity. AKA the Cretinaceous period.

Our consumer trends create market-driven conditions to which a species must either adapt: Or perish

We even act as if we can decide which life forms will survive based on whether we need or like them

Our micro-plastic litter shards have become an inert part of the food chain in every ocean on earth

And we can all ask in one talkinghead voice: What has any stinkin polarbear ever done for my family?

Our genetically-modified mono-cropped food plants drive evolution in the lifeforms we label as pests

Today, we tacitly agree that a sustainable environment is whatever remains after our latest progress

Industry assures us that we humans are immune from the otherwise toxic effects of their activities

We cannot not be constrained by divisive quarrels over irrelevant history, for we must move forward

The axiom that mere grasping self-interest optimizes everyone’s future anchors our economic beliefs

Clear skies, clean water and intact ecosystems are infinite free goods that must never be regulated

Tough pests and scraggly weeds near our fields are the new normal in plant and animal assemblages

Burying valleys in mountain-top coal mine slag merely emulates natural earthquakes and volcanoes

Dams and clearcuts select the strongest of those decimated salmon in our warmed and silted rivers

Bidding up prices on those few remaining bluefin tuna demonstrates marketplace species protection

Total species count and individual numbers decrease in direct proportion to our population increases

Extending our protection to lands, plants or animals declines with their short-term profit potential

Why, we all help alter the entire earth’s climate daily - simply by using electricity, driving and eating

And we may choose to decry, ignore, disbelieve or honor these efforts based on religion and politics

Many among us would call this era the Saviorscene as all our efforts are, of course, divinely-ordained

Habitat destruction is but one more evolutionary hurdle for the few surviving charismatic megafauna

Like a meteor strike, our population bloom stresses species - beneficially speeding up their evolution

Such as rats, cats, dogs, roaches and bedbugs profit briefly as well during our bubble-like ascendancy

Not only do we mortgage our futures but the slyest among us hedge against our very survival as well

An entitled greed is foremost among those Traditional Family Values™ that underpin our way of life

Any new chemical created may be spread freely until it’s proven to be harmful and explicitly banned

The best measure of human progress is GDP - Not biodiversity, sustainablility or habitat preservation

Modern culture venerates human life even as it destroys the very environment that makes it possible

The only necessary and sufficient condition to ensure our future is the pursuit of individual happiness

The best way to solve non-issues such as climate change is to innovate and profit from their effects

The current mass extinction is not human-caused and is just as natural as any of the previous five

A 3 ton SUV carapace is the ideal way for a human mother to shuttle her offspring about in safety

If Asians work toxic 16 hour shifts and sleep 20 to a room, clearly chickens cannot deserve too much

Blind faith in capitalism and trust in almighty God are our armor and sword in this battle for survival

Industry trade group soundbites are honest counterweights to cooked, elitist bad science research

Industrial self-regulation is the only real way to painlessly meet our Good Steward responsibilities

Know that this wondrous flowering of humanity doesn’t simply yield the seeds of its own destruction