The Pursuit Of A Programmed Happiness

All men are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights…

Living large on credit cards, speeding by in fancy cars and dressing up like we was like movie stars

Asskissing, backstabbing, shoulderclimbing & downkicking my way to that penthouse office in the sky

It’s like this: a trillion totally selfish & blindly greedy decisions per day optimize our collective future

So it is, in the end truly and most importantly as I must always remember: Only and all just about me

Besides, the free market solves all our problems automagically simply by meeting my vanity demands

So, I only need to go for the gusto, live for today and try to stop & smell the roses along the way

Because Hey! God wants me to prosper: Our mega-church preacher told me so along with 1500 others

Anyways, it does seem that I can only measure my happiness by short-term changes to my net worth

The concerns of others cannot not bind me for I was created to pursue my own individual happiness

Some struggle to save the environment or to solve social problems but I was born to get ahead

And I expect the same from all the corporate entities whose stock is creating my retirement nestegg

I’m not interested in their being socially-responsible either but they must maximize their stock price

Don’t care if it’s coal or dogshit-fired, I just wanna be able to twist that thermostat when I want to

I simply must step over these homeless moochers every day on the way to fulfilling my own destiny

Its like, I have no time to recycle now but when I get really rich I may hire someone to do it for me

I tell ya, my ramtuf hemi pickup makes me feel so gooood when it throws off a smoke cloud real loud

No worry if they fall again for my next investment scam - they can go squeal for another govt bailout

Dont see how this whatever national infrastrcture mess has any bearing on the wishes I need to fulfill

When I want a burger I aint got time ta fuss over that like food animal holocaust suppozedly goin on

But, it is good to know that just keeping to our own wants & needs helps bring us all a better future

So, with stirring patriotic fervor, I strive for new cars, mansions, yachts, servants & a trophy wife

And, staying ahead on these measures assures me that I am winning big on the class warfare front

You see I combine my pursuit of happiness with the socially-Darwinian struggle we must all undertake

And I am grateful to companies that continually bring out new products that spur on my noble pursuit

Luckily, just by fulfilling our implanted marketers dreams we help ensure a brighter future for us all

I don’t get all like neurotic worrying about saving the world - Cause I just need to watch out for me

And yeah, I think my dad died happy…he was talking up his new car just 3 days before he left us

I did have to step on a few faces to get where I am but it was all in joyful, self-centered competition

So, we toast ourselves at fine restaurants and enjoy a fleeting sociopathic sense of self-satisfaction

If it’s new, I want it first. If it’s hot, I want the most expensive. If it’s scarce, I want the most.

And its not just about materialism, crushing the competition on my way up also satisfies me deeply

And don’t forget that my happiness also includes the pursuit of relaxing gasoline-powered recreation

BTW, I’m damn sure that the markets will blindly manage any so-called environmental problems, too

You see, simply by chasing my own implanted needs I really do help to make the world a better place

God bless America and our creator-revealed constitutional right to the pursuit of individual happiness

And, happily, I can look forward to an eternity of vapid wish fulfillment, up there in His paradise

Useless But Self-Serving Movers And Shakers

Take the man in charge of moving Krispy Kreme Doughnuts forward: In its sugar-filled, fat-laden glory

Think of the great challenges facing those climbing the sweet, black and caffeinated ladder at Coke

How do they keep their focus so sharp over at KFC, pushing the Colonels greasy pitch deep into China

Gaze upon that Captain of Industry at the helm of Frito-Lay pimping fat, sugar and salt in cellophane

How about realtors, omitting and misleading both buyers and sellers to their own greedy advantage

Or there’s always the brave Oreo management team struggling for more shelf space at kids eyelevel

Note as TooBigToFail CityBank fights for the freedom to secretly hedge against their very own funds

Observe as Dodge pushes 6 mpg Hemi Rams on not so bright yet proudly-ignorant apartment cowboys

Foreign-owned Budweiser advertises its highly-patriotic, factory-built swill as crisp and refreshing

Ya need to guzzle lotsa milk, given the unsubstantiated health claims and ignore their tortured cows

Don’t forget the $20/lb subsidized sugar and corn Honey Smacks your ad-washed kids just gotta have

Think of the TypeA execs stressing over new colors for the L’Eggs pantyhose smothering your crotch

They work hard over at Aquafina and Dasani to differentiate water for us - Using only labels and ads

Pizza Hut moves forward, shoveling more factory meat and hi-fat cheese sludge into our arteries

Smooth cosmetic surgeons tickle the middle-aged woman’s fancy with overpriced Mommy Makeovers

Admire that army of Big Tobacco lawyers that helped to push cancer sticks so profitably, for so long

Gaze upon this Nike shoe, made in the same asian sweatshop as Walmart’s but sold at 5x the price

Note how clearly they mouth Traditional Family Values™ to hide a fawning obedience to their donors

Consider how it’s our CIA spook’s patriotic duty to pruriently invade all yer privacy - in total secrecy

Think what’s in dog food imported from where they stretched their own baby formula with melamine

Then there’s that Pope, profiting on fear-driven faith with gay garb, tired dogma and stale traditions

Admire Fair and Balanced media, wildly profiting by angrily widening our people’s ideological gap

Enjoy the shit that’s so Lite and All-Natural you can feel good about being poisoned while getting fat

Honor those who provide you with spotty cell service for 200bucksa month in an airtight contract

Ignore that rich sponsors pay to spin you on only such as abortion, gun control and family values

Yes, you can! Believe in their Change - Just like alla them other greasy liars that came before them

Of course the government can’t make you eat broccoli - Even if you are already too ignorant not to

You aint payin fer obamacare but - You are paying for the moochers via your ever-higher premiums

Think of the brilliant chemists at Axe, toiling to get a hipster smell to waft from young, sweaty pits

How about those high paid lobbyists extolling Clean Coal at their expensive legislative-bribe dinners

You got Big Pharma picking and choosing which of their own paid research studies to use on the FDA

Of course Monsanto sues any soybean farmer whose crop happens to get RoundUp Ready, by accident

Look at good old Boeing artfully combining children, soft music and new bombers in institutional ads

Think you could keep a straight face pocketing your hefty bonus on higher sales athem toxic SlimJims

What a grand challenge to build a worse artery clogger than CarlsJR triple beef/bacon/cheese burger

Like us, our Olympic Unis are emblazoned ‘USA‘ on the outside but say Made In China on the inside