Avoid These Polite Conversation Killers

If you can’t say something politically correct, just say something totally inconsequential…

You just shut up about ‘Yes, We Can’ actually being just one more ad man’s empty campaign slogan

We won’t even discuss the omissions, misrepresentations and lies that already cost over a $Tr in Iraq

Nobody wants to hear about fixing corpro-agriculture if it might cost them any extra at all for Doritos

Just don’t mention that ThE Greatest Country on ThE Planet only leads the Undeveloping World

Where’s a benefit to facing the fact that your kids future clearly is not nearly as bright as yours was?

Who’s going to worry much about that climate change scam Republican leaders know is pure BS?

Shushup over exporting a temporary glut of fracked natural gas, again with no plan for when its gone

We’ll stifle statistics that the poor & ignorant are wildly outbreeding ye of the educated middle class

You cannot say: Our Natives & Blacks must have issues if they can be held down for so long - So easily

Only a traitor would dare speak out against outspending the next 20 countries combined on dEfense

Thou shalt not speculate that victims of the obesity plague might shoulder any personal responsibility

It’s political suicide to admit that we must all pay higher taxes and get less benefits just to scrape by

Don’t even whisper of the insurance & drug industry deals cut to get that Obamacare shoved thru

You just wont get away with demanding childbearing licenses as well as requiring two parent families

Dont bring up the false promises of the good new jobs of tomorrow made when they outsourced us

Stop calling their dogma of eternal GDP growth just another fairytale, too-big-to-fail, pyramid scam

Dont discuss how doctors can make $400/hr up til age 80 but you have to be <30 to code a stupid app

Its off topic to ask why top corpro rungs are only for furtive one-track shoulder-climbing psychopaths

Never ever, even whisper that sainted Israel practices what the Nazis did to them on the Palestinians

Don’t ask how we actually have a vibrant, structurally sound economy with 20% of us on food stamps

We won’t even calculate business losses resulting from promotions based solely on affirmative action

Better not go around belittling football and all of its brainwashed, bacon & beer-loving worshipers

You won’t hear how the Wall Street banks got way too much bigger to fail again, so forget about that

Theres no need to broadcast that cable, internet and cell service cost more here than anywhere else

Politicians hope you wont notice they work 2½ days/week in Washington and go fund-raising the rest

We’ll never debate whether holiday shopping isn’t one of thE most important news stories every year

Our right to uber-loud fireworks, jake-brakes, pickups and harleys is rightly not even under scrutiny

Shut up and hold the door for them as they go home early again, for their kids - with their equal pay

So, you think that the main problem with the education system is parenting? Don’t you dare go there

We’ll simply ignore the increasing Jihadi activity going on from Morocco all the way over to Indonesia

Nobody wants to talk low-priority issues like economic sustainability, much less habitat preservation

Who the hell cares if our landfills overflow with valuable recyclables marinating in our toxic wastes?

No, you shouldnt finally tell them that they’re not really very special, even though they all got prizes

Can’t label those leeching seamlessly from unemployment to disability to social security as moochers

How dare you even dream of a support group just for displaced white men? You racist, Nazi pervert!

Mustn’t voice the heresy that Christianity is as dogmatic, wornout & irrelevant as that tired socialism

Forgotten First Responders And Stressed Citizenry

I got stuck in some stupid accident traffic jam, had to call in late and so I missed our big meeting

Jelly-rolled an unconscious 330 pound guy out of the twisted wreckage of his shiny, giant pickup

Spilled some coffee on my tie and got so-stressed-out trying to clean it before the customers arrived

Did CPR on a poor little old lady for 20 minutes til she coded – I got so tired I thought it was me dying

Had to walk thru wind & rain all the way from the parking lot and my hair got all wet and messed up

Got face to face with a girl having problems breathing and we found out later we all need TB tests

Hung around work an extra hour again and the wife was mad cause I was late for dinner, once more

Today started 48 hours ago and we had calls throughout both nights but I’ve just got to stay sharp

Suffered thru conference calls all morning - sipping lattes and twerking with my phone

Ground my teeth with every step due to the unremitting pain from my job-induced back injuries

Had trouble getting fired up by our new strategic vision given the clear meaninglessness of our goals

Actually helped out a person during one of the worst days of their life, once again today…

Updated my lame project status, ate customer lunch leftovers & then ducked out 15 minutes early

Repeatedly sterilized the blood and vomit filling our ‘office’ to make way for the next unfortunate

Had to run a couple errands at lunch and was nearly deafened by those stupid sirens

Smacked a tortilla grease apartment fire in the mouth before it could engulf the 15 1-Bdr occupants

Got in a nice nap pretending to studiously ponder a Gannt chart during the after-lunch Sominex hour

Loudly toned out to a possible gas smell at 3AM just after I had managed to finally fall asleep again

Spent an hour piddling with paying off my maxed credit card using my 401K - on company time

Remained thankful I had these 3 jobs I work 96 hours a week that almost keep us in the middle class

Spent the evening enjoying the faux-luxury of my over-leveraged McMansion - by drinking heavily

Shared quarters with the 20 somethings playing videos & games all nite while I worried about my kids

Went straight to my manager when a co-worker got a newer and nicer office chair than mine

Wondered why everybody said they admired what we do, but why we can never find enough medics

Adroitly maneuvered responsibility (and blame) onto another old contractor nobody really liked

Got puked on by that hairy homeless frequent flyer drunk who always smells so badly of urine

Won big at video poker for the entire duration of that urgent project all-hands video conference call

Remembered too late that I had ignored a text from my kid just as we arrived on one more scene

Almost tripped over some useless begging moocher panhandling in front of the office building

Don’t wonder anymore why somebody in so much pain would explicitly beg just for hydrocodone

My poor feet got really sore from wearing those high-heels all day, once again

My body doesn’t know when it’s time to sleep anymore so I just roll with extreme energy drinks 24x7

Had to have whiskeys with the boys to cut the incredible stress of working in the finance industry

Learned that another burned out co-worker took a better-paying days only job in customer support

Was presented a lunch coupon for work on another useless, late, over-budget & incomplete project

Got a nice card from a family I couldn’t remember who we had extricated from a smashedup minivan

And all that you have learned is but empty noise to them

The world that your father knew disappeared so long ago

Why, the world that you grew up in is now their ancient history

Things you found important are just no longer relevant

Movements that you’ve never heard of create the news today

The future you always awaited now bobs in your fading wake

Glancing into your eyes, all they see is some boring past

Your endless possibilities have quite slowly merged

Today it’s you just sitting quietly, watching their kids now

The latest calls to action are not intended for your ears

Your once unlimited time now reveals a distinct horizon

Presently it hurts just getting up, even after sleeping well

And all that you have learned is but empty noise to them

Your treasured possessions are not even fit to be donations

They’ve never heard of historic events that you witnessed on TV

The work you toiled so long upon is no longer done

Their kids don’t understand any of the stories from your youth

The ideas that molded you are no longer circulating

Your youthful ideals were scuttled quite long ago

Your search for meaning was halted due to falling darkness

Your HappyEverAfter was postponed until further notice

You are the ones now, who are older than dirt

The world as you explain it now turns only in your mind

Your acquired wisdom just makes them smile to each other

Your once cutting edge is now quaint and outdated

Your volunteer labor is not even worth the minimum wage

Now it’s you who they’re making fun of in edgy hipster skits

But you’re keeping real busy just looking for your glasses

And nice people often call you about things that you should buy

They ask who it could be when they see you in those old pictures

Now it’s you waving goodbye as they drive away

You’ve put down your load and become an awkward burden

You’re ready to enjoy life but you’re worn-out, confused and broke

But, Hey: You even try to walk a little, almost every day

It’s they who remember you’re telling that same story once again

And the sun really is too bright for your golden years

First in line, you’re next to go and you’ve already been cast off

Hooray For That NSA!

The Glomar Response: A government agency's express refusal to confirm or deny having any information on a subject

Yup, they’re out there - sipping from their most giant data firehose, just looking for stuff like this:

‘I’m hoping ta join an al-qaeda sleeper cell, can somebody help me find one in my home town?’

Now then, if I searched for ‘neked pitchersa little boys’, they’ll be trolling for that as well

See, theyre trainin computers to sniff out terrorists and perverts like dogs sniff out drugs and bombs

Don’t be following @alqaeda on twitter or your updated score will draw a live spook’s attention

But no worries, they aint stealing your credit card information, even though now they could

For they’ve found a way to break that good old uncrackable RSA - Oh Hooray, Hooray!

Closeted heroes all named Joe who the NSA routinely denies - their duty is to secretly keep us safe

Why, they’ve even figured out how to get onto your smart TV and can sniff inside yer iPhone as well

But you got to remember it’s all and only in the greater ineresta-nachinal security, so you just relax

Just don’t be looking up like ‘bomb making materials’ or ‘buying a US passport’ or stuff like that

And they’ve figured out how to decode misspellings and illiteracy better than with that shoe bomber

Incubating whatever yottabytes of personal, private data that’s 99.99% useless - Out there in Utah

Packet-groping you at all the major data centers 24x7x365, they filter-feed on our precious freedoms

Nobly working out algorithms to separate white rice recipes from deadly ricin nerve gas formulas

Probably even able to differentiate libertarian sarcasm from the plots of poisoned true believers 

They got smart guys with phDs in like Steganography dissectin images of panties for sharia fatwas

They can detect upticks in terrorist chatter with the fully correlated precision of scientific statistics

And these days they’ll find out if you’re looking into fertilizer, diesel fuel and renting a truck

They’re connecting the dots all over the world, hoping to see the big picture to save our way of life

So I’m not doing online research about weaponizing bird flu or on how much security there is at dams

Dont want to get on a watchlist and have my calls sent straight to the NSA as a potential drone target

I can only hope my digital pocket litter don’t add up to enough to earn me a cyber-detective tail

But, who knows? Searching on gay marriage and Traditional Family Values may be suspicious as well

It costs us billions but their budget is also a secret, so you just better back offa that real quietlike

Just keep in mind that all their work is simply in the interesta ensurin our own common good

You stay away from them web honeypots they fill with helpful hints about pressure cooker bombs

Look, don’t ask any questions at all cause that evokes “The Glomar Response” - and closer scrutiny

Simply accept that to preserve our liberty they gotta tap your innermost privacy in absolute secrecy

And like they keep telling us, if you done nothing, you got nothing to fear, And…it wont hurt a bit

Seriously, you will do your part by just letting them do theirs, you know, like you do at the airport

Their people are anonymous, their methods are secret, their results are classified and that’s how it is

They spurn the cops, they’re outside the military, they don’t talk to the FBI, but you must trust them

They’re not after your mother, they wont hurt your kids, so you can relax and keep sexting your wife

But you can be quite sure: They possibly have foiled nearly countless deadly and hypothetical attacks

They could brick your laptop anytime if necessary, so just you stay real quiet, a bit right of center

Don't Do That

If some office twit overhears a mumbled curse from your tiny cube, you’ll be warned of termination

Speaking the truth to an Officer can earn you a pepper spray or tazing and a night in the drunk tank

Go offscript with offshored support and she’ll say theres no need to get angry sir and hang up on you

Be quiet as the Precious Children sleep til noon and don’t even tell them to keep it down at 2:20 AM

Complain about the Feds sniffing your tweets or hacking your cell and you’ll earn special attention

Whine about removing your shoes, belt and emptying your pockets and you’ll wear some plastic cuffs

Call your insurance vampire for info on a problem you don’t even have and your rates could go up

File a rape allegation and its up to you to prove you arent just another cursing, drunken, whoring slut

Ask the pope for dialog and you’ll get a copy of his edict and be excommunicated if you don’t obey it

Don’t bother to apply for those Good New Jobs if you were ever unemployed or even underemployed

Don’t think you can get to read that web page unless you first agree to an unending stream of spam

Don’t swear you wont pay for no obamacare, yer already paying fer the moochers with no insurance

Be sure not to get old or you’ll silently rise to the top of the layoff list without notice, or recourse

Question any inane BS and they’ll simply say it’s company policy and they don’t make the rules...sir

Have a flat on a ghetto freeway and you’ll be robbed and beaten then processed by surly, bored cops

They can shoot your Lab if they think its a pitbull but dont you dare try telling their kids not to curse

You better tithe your 25% or the IRS will ruin you as the rich whine but patriotically pay their full 13%

Don’t try pushing that damn rabbit food on the fastfood-brainwashed, you socialist vegan nanny

The only part of their sloth-induced metabolic syndrome that is your business is to pay their Dr. bills

Forget junk objective measures and heed only their vapid tweets Re:ThE Greatest Country On Earth

Don’t ever question any military spending or we’ll smear you as a traitorous, soft-on-defense coward

Why bother teachin the kids family values 10 minutes a day when they baste in media sin 24x7x365?

Don’t fool with that recicling crap cause god takes care of everything they’re not paying you to do

Don’t dare even plan fer the effects of that global warmin bullshyte, much less even try ta stop it

Don’t tell these real men to give up their fatass, loud, gas-gulping trucks for some kinda girly hybrid

You mustn’t dare whisper a joke about gun control when a single open mic could alert the NRA

Why mention anything but jobs, lower taxes and more benes if it could cost you in the next election?

Don’t be constrained by the truth - Your supporters ignore their phony factcheckers anyway

You cant say jobs arent coming back or that working poverty is their new and richly-deserved normal

Don’t deny that our holy GDP is more important than the earthly environment upon which it’s based

Talk about good ideas or progress in ferin lands and you’ll be seen as some kinda unpatriotic wacko

Don’t talk too quietly or you’ll be ignored as they just shout right over top of you, without a thought

You can’t publicly reject their pabulum that all men are created equal and enjoy equal oppprtunity

Dont dare to say that our fruitful overpopulation is positively the roota everona our biggest problems

Watch you keep very quiet about anything that might cost good families jobs and, especially, money

Better not insist that the gumint likes us being proudly-ignorant cause it makes us easier to convince