I’m Afraid Of The Doctor...Bills

Medical Bills Are the Biggest Cause of US Bankruptcies - cnbc.com/id/100840148

Just thinking about the OMG-size bills makes me so afraid I can’t even consider an appointment

I’ll hafta let this thing on my arm alone a while longer, maybe it’ll just go away on its own afterwhile

Last time both the insurance corp and my doctor quickly turned me over to a nasty collection agency

Now the ER bills me 3 times as much as they did before I lost all my coverage when I was offshored

I know I should be brave but I’m just scared of having to go bankrupt cause I cant pay my doctor bills

And I keep having to see these specialists making $400/hr who read my name so warmly in greeting

I want to be a big boy but the thought of financing an operation as costly as a house really scares me

But the dentist and the optometrist dont worry me - cause I won’t ever be visiting either of them

They always find new stuff & put me on more drugs while I keep garbage-gorging and never exercise

But we cut our health costs by skipping checkups and cutting back on the expensive tests & drugs

Besides, we fear if we use any benefits beyond our $20k deductible our insurance rates will double

Just let my crippled back wait cause Mom needs a new hip, cataract surgery and 14 different meds

It scares me cause the docs are above talking about what stuff costs and there’s no way to compare

So, that’s why I’m laying in bed awake at 3AM praying nervously that none of us gets sick tomorrow

I used to just be scared of gettng shots but now its healthcare-driven financial ruin that frightens me

And I know I cant become one of those greedy moochers always sniffing round for more entitlements

I quake like crazy just hearing that a $2000 5 minute ambulance ride is only a small billing appetizer

Cause once the doc is done and I’m at home, the true pain - that is, the financial pain - really begins

I remember how I trembled getting stitches - just like I shake now when another statement arrives

Oh, please don’t make me have to go to the doctor - cause I’m just so afraid it’ll break us for good

So now I just trust my atherosclerosis, high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity and COPD to the Lord

I’m so stressed over my overdue treatment bills that I cant quit smoking or get off the Oxy, just yet

It’s just that TV says getting 1 stitch for a little cut costs like $4000 at the hospital - Oh shyte!

The kids ask me all the time about what dentists are for and where do people go to get those glasses

Thought I retired early without any debt but now I got this $1500/mo health insurance ARM mortgage

Workers get free, untaxed healthcare benefits but I cant even write off my after tax $ premiums…

The administrators cant even tell me if I’ll be covered til it’s over - but I am responsible if it’s not

To them it was just a minor medical coding error, but it completely ruined my credit rating for years

Anyways, our neighbor went to the hospital, picked up some superbug and never came home again

But, we’re lowering our expenses by decreasing the doses on all of our costly, lifesaving medications

I hearda this Affordable Care Act & I’ll tell ya, it looks a whole lot better than that dam Obamacare

And now with this gov’t healthcare takeover them freeloaders are takin up alla our doctors time

If I can just get on disability after unemployment, medicaid’ll kick in until I get on medicare at 65

Why, I might even consider startin some kina st00pid exercisin pogrom just ta save on medical bills

But no, I’m not givin up my place in the doublemeat drivethru fer no lameass kale & tofu sandwich

I can’t believe the nice doctor cut off my cancer treatments…just as soon as they bankrupted me

Forgotten First Responders And Stressed Citizenry

I got stuck in some stupid accident traffic jam, had to call in late and so I missed our big meeting

Jelly-rolled an unconscious 330 pound guy out of the twisted wreckage of his shiny, giant pickup

Spilled some coffee on my tie and got so-stressed-out trying to clean it before the customers arrived

Did CPR on a poor little old lady for 20 minutes til she coded – I got so tired I thought it was me dying

Had to walk thru wind & rain all the way from the parking lot and my hair got all wet and messed up

Got face to face with a girl having problems breathing and we found out later we all need TB tests

Hung around work an extra hour again and the wife was mad cause I was late for dinner, once more

Today started 48 hours ago and we had calls throughout both nights but I’ve just got to stay sharp

Suffered thru conference calls all morning - sipping lattes and twerking with my phone

Ground my teeth with every step due to the unremitting pain from my job-induced back injuries

Had trouble getting fired up by our new strategic vision given the clear meaninglessness of our goals

Actually helped out a person during one of the worst days of their life, once again today…

Updated my lame project status, ate customer lunch leftovers & then ducked out 15 minutes early

Repeatedly sterilized the blood and vomit filling our ‘office’ to make way for the next unfortunate

Had to run a couple errands at lunch and was nearly deafened by those stupid sirens

Smacked a tortilla grease apartment fire in the mouth before it could engulf the 15 1-Bdr occupants

Got in a nice nap pretending to studiously ponder a Gannt chart during the after-lunch Sominex hour

Loudly toned out to a possible gas smell at 3AM just after I had managed to finally fall asleep again

Spent an hour piddling with paying off my maxed credit card using my 401K - on company time

Remained thankful I had these 3 jobs I work 96 hours a week that almost keep us in the middle class

Spent the evening enjoying the faux-luxury of my over-leveraged McMansion - by drinking heavily

Shared quarters with the 20 somethings playing videos & games all nite while I worried about my kids

Went straight to my manager when a co-worker got a newer and nicer office chair than mine

Wondered why everybody said they admired what we do, but why we can never find enough medics

Adroitly maneuvered responsibility (and blame) onto another old contractor nobody really liked

Got puked on by that hairy homeless frequent flyer drunk who always smells so badly of urine

Won big at video poker for the entire duration of that urgent project all-hands video conference call

Remembered too late that I had ignored a text from my kid just as we arrived on one more scene

Almost tripped over some useless begging moocher panhandling in front of the office building

Don’t wonder anymore why somebody in so much pain would explicitly beg just for hydrocodone

My poor feet got really sore from wearing those high-heels all day, once again

My body doesn’t know when it’s time to sleep anymore so I just roll with extreme energy drinks 24x7

Had to have whiskeys with the boys to cut the incredible stress of working in the finance industry

Learned that another burned out co-worker took a better-paying days only job in customer support

Was presented a lunch coupon for work on another useless, late, over-budget & incomplete project

Got a nice card from a family I couldn’t remember who we had extricated from a smashedup minivan

Grabbin fer gusto as I smelt them roses

Lost course in the currents of their waving sea of distortions, omissions, exaggerations and halftruths

Had another sudden & lifechanging inspiration as I sucked down the dregs of just one more cold drink

Heard the latest bad news walking the pocked & dirty streets once again, upon these tired old feet

Watched as leaders cagily evaded any blame by offloading all responsibility for their many failures

Tried to skip all the ads but the jingles kept playing inside my head til I soaked them up with vodka

Saw the lights of our great city from a hill, faroff & above all the dirt & noise, inside my ragged tent

Talked to my old dog about the man who had once beaten her so often, yet always so unexpectedly

Found myself once again sideslipping down the steep leading edge of yet another stupid trend curve

Held her hand for just a moment and felt her slip away – well, so much for our being forever together

Realized too late the meaninglessness of all the projects my managers pushed as so vitally important

Swam out past the breakers and saw things differently, rolling up and down on coolblue pacific swells

Just looking at them I had to laugh out loud whenever they told me that I had’nt changed a bit

No longer able to flee the questions that upset me, I blindly swallowed some stale religious fairytale

Safely depersonalized the myriad sufferings of others from the comfort of my couch control center

Felt strangely empty if I was not actively pursuing the latest Gen of our most-must-have-now, eGear

Yes, I traveled thousands and thousands of miles, but darn – I was just commuting to & from work

Grew weary of their attempts to control me with their phony suits and one-way political correctness

Lost sympathy for the truly poor seeing how well the real pros worked the same corners every day

Watched out the window in silent awe as new convenience stores carved up formerly good farmland

Remained convinced I was well above average in all respects - despite my ongoing current situation

Voted straight republican as I seamlessly segued from unemployment to disability to social security

Dinit need no dam obamacare cuz my medicaid and medicare waz always ther fer my family

Made sure I didn’t read too much after seeing what it done to alla them dam scientists and liberals

Learned to relax and get comfortable by twerkin the big screen instead of doin boring housework

Went on a trip Out West & grabbed selfies at everonea them naturel marvelsa this great landa ours

Donno if I was offshored, outsourced, downsized or laidoff but now I’m broke & in early retirement

Waited for weeks for Labor Day but simply could not remember what we done for it - Just last year…

Often derived a blissful satisfaction from my latest purchases - For up to 20 full minutes at a time!

Learned ta hate at the sound of buzzphrases uttered by puppet opinion leaders pushing fake eNews

Slept with my guns and old bible but still feared for the sound of their black helicopters in the night

Bought more than we needed cuz it was on sale: And thoughtlessly discarded half as spoiled leftovers

Grew weary of gumint inactivity, infighting & incompetence even as I grew fatter, dumber & lazier

Tried real hard to make my kids like me - Guess that’s why they’re back livin at home in their 30s

Crammed my head with sports stats and lines from ads and movies cause that’s what really mattered

Grabbin fer gusto as I smelt them roses helped me ignore the black truth athat onrushin empty void

Now I tremble laying here all tubed, knowing life has to go on, but only this time it’ll be without me

We Got No Need Fer Fekin Readin

1 of 7 American adults find anything more advanced than children’s books to be very challenging – nces.ed.gov, 2009.

Lissen, I got no need ta read cuz I gotta smartphone ta look up any kinda stuff I gotta know about

The register makes change for me at my job so WTF do I need to know how to do like math for

Hey, spellin just aint importent in this modern world were tweetin on thru

Oh, right, like I might need ta read subtitles on some boring and stupid forin movie

Proud ta say we don’t own nonea them useless books, cept the King James – not emen a checkbook

Well, just what would I read anyways, some wack liberal NYTimes or NPR government fake news?

No sir, ta keep up ta date on them libral schemes, we’ll jest keep her locked right here on the Fox

Like I munna sedown and read that 15 page legal docament contract ta my iPhone: Nobody else does

Yup, we signed that mortgage - but it was all jest a packa legal lies and fraud we dinit really get

But there aint nonea that fineprint in the bible so all that’s just the devil’s handiwork ta be ignored

You just ax anybody, them sientists is a buncha sissy geeks whatre so way outta touch with reality

But I got thousandsa sports satistcs regardin my belovd home team right up here & at my fingertips

Ta me, litercy today means knowin how ta runa touch screen and such

And everbody knows ya sure don’t need yearsa schoolin ta sort out the hogwash comin outta google

That is, my criticel thinkin skeels don’t rely on some backbonea school book learnin ta work right

Look, you just back off, I can read any restrint menu I might actually want to…

So, ya see it jest aint important to are lifestyle if my kids test out behind like them whateffin Finns

But I’ll be happy ta swap soundbites with them yella-belly librels - or small arms fire fer that matter

The real men I watch in HD don’t set there readin and shit, they bend down in tights and get after it

And as fer writin - now just what on god’s green earth is that supposed ta actuelly be for?

You can take yer grammer, spellin and whatever punktuation and u just go see how far it gets u

After all, too much lernin jest destroys a guys good god-given common sense, aint ya seen?

Enaways, I got an app that’ll read eny stuff I really need - right out loud ta me

Really, getting us ta read all the time is jest one waya gettin our attention offa ther socialist plots

I don’t hafta like like do the math on my job and they aint payin me ta read no gotdam books, ether

Hey I can read the numbers on my Lotto tickets good enough to know that it’s better luck next time

And who really gives a shit about them whatever hunrert or so ingreedints in abaga Doritas, anyway?

Watchin shit blow up in HD is way more stimulatin than settin all quiet in some corner just readin

Enaways, if you caint get it ta fit it inta a 30 second soundbite you aready lost my attintion

Alla them collige gradu8ts workin over ta that elitist Starbucks aint needin ta read nothin, so there

And ya know, it aint plitically correct or HUD-Approved ta favor bookworms over us common folks

Readins just about as importent as stuff like that BS recicling, and theyll hafta pay me ta do that too

Hey they aint denyin unqualified LBGT, handycapped wimmen acolor promotions cuz theys illiterate

Now look, Don’t ya think if readin was so dam vital that I’d already know about it?

Busides, alla them installation instructions was translated by hindis from whatever chinese nonsense

Enaway, I really caint make out anya them little-teeny squiggles and I caint afford no gotdam glasses

Heaven On Earth for Fox and Friends

How it could be, out from under their fredom smotherin elitist conspearacy

Everbodyd be fingerin concealed weapons in all public places, lookin out ta pincushion some shootr

That overreachin EPA’d be jest a bad memory that caint hobble our blessed family lifestyles no more

You wutnt never hear no more fool harpin on the fictshunal evilsa doublemeat bacon cheeseburgers

Gas’d be an affordable $2 a gallon like it rightly auter be in a truly freed-up dumestic energy market

Foopball would last all year long and we won’t be dippin no brocolli or carrots with our Doritas

Government wouldn’t be subsidizin wimpy hybrids over gutsy diesel family pickups no way - no more

We’d give back stolen federal lands ta the people – big oil, real estate men and ATV adventurers

Alla our leaders’d make big decisions, like destroyin them islamic fanatics, with ther saviours counsel

We’d swap out their elementary school hands-on sex-ed manuals fer copysa school prayers & bibles

A free, unObamacared marketplace would see ta the healtha all our people, with utmost efficiency

Wacko protesters against such as mountain top removal coal mining would be given firehose therapy

Dope smokers’d be pilloried nexta neighborhood bars tabe spit on or kicked by patriotic alcoholics

Boys, that NPR & PBS’d be shutdown faster than you kin spout a single Fair and Balanced soundbite

We’d hustle the US outta that lame one world UN and get it way the hell outta this fair land of ours

Our borders would be secured but employers could still mistreat and cheat throwaway illegal workers

The gument’d get right outta the binessa species preservation, pollution control & CO2 nonsense

Alla them moochers’d be shoved off welfare, disablility, unemployment, food stamps & medicaid

No more ragging BS gov’t ads about cholesterol, diabetes, obesity, exercise or blood pressure

Bush & Cheney’d be right up there, on Mt Rushmore with Reagan and Trump and them other heroes

We’d sure enough end that lameass reinterduction and kill alla them shittin wolves & grizzlies – agin!

All of us’d get free rEfIs with lowered principal and interest rates sos we kin tap some more equity

Them spotted owls, blind desert pupfish and such crap would hafta adapt ta progress or move out

That sin of sodomy would be treated just like the bible says it should – without no medical benefits

We’ll all be filled with ignorant pride parrotin canned soundbites and forwardin unquestioned tweets

Heroic CEOS’ll bring in them good-payin jobsa tomorrow which they promised when they offshored us

We’ll all be kickin global warmin ass just by adjustin down our patriotically coal-fired A/C units

Our dEfense would finally be rebuilt after decades of cowardly peacenik liberal decimation

Alla them minorties would finally see how ther innerests line rite up with old white republican men

They’d be no more talk regardin the rightsa souless cows, pigs & chickens ta whatever like dignity

That silly reciclying nonsense would surely be just a funny memory, same as them lame snowflakes

Everbody will agree that there organic crap was just a spensiv, bad-tasting, not-too-nutritious scam

We’ll all recognize that clean water, air and shit are god-given rights that don’t need no regelatin

That Arab obama would not only be known as the worst president but he’ll still be in jail fer treason

Wouldn’t have ta worry bout them traiterous socialists getting they hands on our medicare no more

Wont hear no more talk about raisin taxes on the brave entrepeenurs who create the jobs fer alla us

Private inerprize’ll build any new roads, bridges, waterworks, sewers and such what we may need

Keepin Our Priorities Straight

Today, the country pays the price for the left-wing ideologies that ran rampant in the 20th century – The American Conservative

Not wastin no funds like rebildin old bridges, failin sewers, bad roads, lektrik grids & water supplies

Gotta shove them illegales back without no amnesty but I sure aint gonna go pick that gotdam brocolli

Aint inerested in hearin about like shattered ecasystems cause they ain’t hurt me none at all

But orchestrated celebrity wardrobe malfunctions are definitely worth menshinin…quite often

Not even gonna consider their wacko BS bout some looming global fresh water shortage craptrap

Now, the threata gun control…That’s somethin we always gotta be perpetchile on alert for

You can jest STF-up yer fact-fudgin, elitist, global warmin power grab, ya traitrus libral snowflakes

But we do need ta hurryup & get them moochers off medicaid, unemploymint, foodstamps & disabilty

CorproAg dead soil, antibiotics, fertilizer & pesticide abuse, GMOs & water waste are jest irrevelent

Now then, let’s set down and talk foopbawl stats - and ax me how my fantasy league picks are doin

Yr bogus human-caused mass estintion is bout as critical ta me as the bugs smashed on my winshield

More importntly, I’m busy decidin shud I buy a new jetski, snowmachine, ATV, RV or a dirtbike next

The dignitya factory meat and the proper treatment of ther wastes aint no parta my buyin decisions

Damn straight we gotta stop teachin this unproven evilution over god’s absulute lawr of creationism

Aint no fairytale NewAge sustainabilly dopesmoke gonna affect my next vote, none at all, whatsoever

I do wanna know when them good jobsa tamarra they promised when they offshored us are comin in

Unending goverment shutdown crises are gonna earn us some real political victerys real soon now

Busides, the most important thing is ta make sure our libral enemies don’t get nethin done at all

We’ll take viralized soundbites over their shady and twisted so-called scientific satistics, anytime

Its vital ta spend more time studyin cell plans & credit card rates than on boring like retirement plans

I aint doin that wack reciclin crap unlest and until they start paying me ta do it - like they shud

Them quiet overpriced habrids are fer them meterosexuls and such. Me & my Ram-tough hemi rule.

That big shit called the Dead Spot the Mississippi takes with our toxins in the Guf aint on my radar

Leaders gotta talkta ther personal saviors when makin such decsions as liberatin them evil califates

The healtha this country aint measured by the cunditiona them convenient sewers, AKA our rivers

Everbudy knows that like GDP and the Unemployment numbers are the real measuresa our progress

Mountain top removal and power plant mercury emissions aint rightly parta any bill fer coal-fired A/C

Chicken crap from squeezed producers that’s killin chesapeake bay oysters don’t even matter to me

Jest cuz u caint go swimmin or eat the fish yer kids catch aint no reason ta get all like preturbed

Keepin in mind that this overpopelation myth flys right in the facea gods order ta go out and multiply

Gotta get ridda socialist entitlements cuz they just stimulat them multi-generational welfare queens

We got no use fer this dam obamacare cuz we already get our healtcare fer free - Down to the ER!

Absulutly hafta get the gumint outta our biness but sniffin at all them emails, tweets & shit: A-OK!

It’s a sure thing that if it takes a collige dugree ta read it, it just aint worth knowin about enaway

Don need no gov’t nannyin on what ta eat and specially not ther lame meddlin junk about exercisin

Jest keep them 12 candy, salty snack & frozen treat aisles…and get that freerange shit outta my way

Oh Yeah, It’s Gods Will All Right

"God works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform."

There is a reason they walk barefoot thru muddy, trash-paved streets lugging tainted drinking water

Those devastated by huge floods can take heart knowing their suffering is all part of His greater plan

Of course there’s meaning to lives snuffed out without any dignity by failing trains, and rolling buses

Totally bereft earthquake victims can take solace in the fact that it all has a purpose and a meaning

Mothers of suicide bombers are comforted knowing their boys relax with 72 virgins “up” in paradise

The mass extinction we are causing is but a small part of the inscrutable will of our all-knowing God

Why only the greedy and sociopathic arise to lead us shall be revealed in the full richness of time

My diabetes, hypertension, atherosclerosis and COPD are but tiny pieces in an infinitely large picture

That billions must struggle just to survive on a dollar a day is but a small part of a beautiful mystery

The apparent emptiness of lives ended in filthy nursing home helplessness and fear is an illusion

Their targeting innocent schoolgirls with AK-47s and suicide vests will actually make sense in the end

There’s no need to be concerned that our ordained fruitful multiplication devastates this tiny planet

There is rhyme and reason in using bulldozers to bury mutilated corpses of the collaterally damaged

Our treating of the beasts of the fields as bulk factory raw material inputs requires no justification

Dying forests, drying rivers and spreading deserts are hints from an infinite incomprehensible wisdom

Smothering in O.D.’d vomit, cold, wet and dirty in a garbage-strewn alley is simply one isolated clue

He has led them to forsake scientific research to instead build complex, yet flawed financial scams

It’s God’s Will that his messengers on earth seduce children & perform sodomy, though both are sins

Killing for peace should not be a cause for confusion in our hearts - as will someday be made clear

Why our omnipotent God needs to test us though he already knows all results, stays beyond our grasp

We can only solve His cosmic riddle regarding our existence with a blind leap into deep religious faith

Certainly there is no need to question why He chose only us as His exceptional people on this earth

There is a hidden purpose to my watching football 16 hours a week and discussing stats another 10

He has a plan for the homeless so I ignore them daily and besides, I tithe weekly at my mega-church

God won’t command me to recycle and Jesus never preached of lowering consumption or energy use

Meddling with divine climate change is actually an act of human arrogance, far too full of our hubris

He commands we topple evil regimes which are actually the bedeviled client states of His false gods

It’s God’s will that those recruiting suicide bombers remain alive to gather new martyrs for His glory

Don’t fret over why my child chews lead-based paint chips while yours lives 99.9% bacteria free

There’s a far deeper meaning to blowing up occupied girls schools than it is now ours to be privy to

Mother’s lying senseless in her own wastes for many years of dementia must not sway our deep faith

With His silent pre-approval they scan our vapid tweets, texts, emails, cell calls and facebook posts

Under his plan I segued seamlessly from unemployment to disability and thence to my social security

That He chose lives of ignorance, poverty and suffering for them but not me is not mere random fate

So you see, we don’t have to ask why we alone are the entitled and exceptionist people of this world

We can sleep peacefully knowing that it’s all simply a small part of God’s perfect and mysterious plan