Still With You Somewhere Inside

Got up in the cold just to move about alone in the darkness

Crossed high mountain passes on foot to try and get nearer

Slogged thru deeply-frozen valleys as I thought I traveled home

Witnessed sunsets I only wished that we saw together

Almost felt your cool touch when it grew far too hot

Looked up for your hand whenever I tripped and fell

Saw that shapes in blowing clouds helped me find the way

And all that time I knew: I was still with you inside

Lumbered and tripped, dragging my burden

Gestured with foreigners as I tried to reach you

Forded icy streams with you on my mind

Stayed away far too long - And I never knew why

Listened to your voice when I had no one to talk to

Imagined long, clumsily-poetic emails that I never wrote

Shook my head in confusion as I walked alone

Talked to myself on one bad job after another

Stood alone in lines full of couples along with their kids

Stayed by myself in rooms meant for two

Ate many humble meals I had cooked only for me

But at least all the while you traveled with me, inside

Got briefly tangled in lives I could never appreciate

Lost my way totally even though I was headed nowhere

Watched as stars burned in skies that you did not see

Absorbed amazing daylight and gave off some sadness

Helped others sort out singed keepsakes after bad fires

Wore out lots of clothes that were already secondhand

Looked thru frosty windows, from outside in cold darkness

Still, all the while, you were there, with me, inside

Fled from an emptiness to which I must shortly return

Thought I grew wise but actually slowly went blind

Glimpsed you in strange crowds where you’d never be

Wanted to curl up together with you like strands of DNA

Feared for myself thinking you got along fine without me

Gone so long that I stopped reaching for you in the night

Finally realized I did not even know where you were

But, how I always hoped I was still with you, somewhere inside

Mass Identical eJourneys Of Self-Discovery

    I felt knowledge and the unity of the world circulate in me like my own blood.” ― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

Yes I’ll be making a deeply spiritual journey but I havent crowdsourced which road to travel this year

I must seek my true self somewhere far from the well-worn maze pathway I trace in the daily ratrace

I’ll lose my mind and discover myself- according to stuff I’ve been tweeted from certain bestsellers

And it won’t be long before I leave, no way! I just have a few more loose digital ends to tidy up

Wont need much besides my iPad - just my credit card and the overpriced travel clothes in my pack

Gonna head out to see the suffering that rules the world sos to reach a higher plane of consciousness

I’ll be getting twisted up in trendy yoga poses while I ponder the complexities of climate change

Broadening my horizons by holding my nose and tiptoeing thru their inescapably-crowded streets

I’m going off on a pilgrimage during which my normal life and busy thoughts will flake uselessly away

I’ll gaze upon the menial jobs of the filthy working poor to grasp the dignity of their grinding poverty

I’ll make a voyage of self-discovery and then step back in my cube with but a little cattle prodding

I’ll tour their swarming, filthy hives but spend almost all my time with other tourists, just like me

Gonna take back some life lessons learned photographing others from safely behind closed windows

Why, I’ll be gone close to 3 whole weeks, worrying every minute that I’ll be robbed, shot or infected

However, all the time I will hold tightly to the knowledge that I’ll be back home before I know it

Then I’ll integrate their gritty lessons into my ass-kissing and back-biting shoulder-climb to the top

Look for my pithy posts from identical dirty hostels run by world-weary, expatriate entrepreneurs

I’ll upload the photographic proof of my emerging spirituality on social media in near-realtime

See, I’m going off looking to raise my cosmic awareness and it’s not simply because I cant find a job

And I got bookmarks on all the highlights that I simply gotta see to nurture my eternal soul

I’ll be taking lots of pictures of stuff that I won’t ever even actually look at with my naked eyes

Yup, I’ll sneak soul-stealing snapshots of real people from our bus to hang in my cubicle, back home

Daringly, I might even brush my teeth in the tap water and possibly even try some local food

But mostly I’ll have beers with my new tourist friends in places where the natives can only work

I can spice my twitter feed with the nuggets of worldly wisdom that I am trying to digest here

Wearing dirty clothes and hardly ever getting a really decent shower, so does my understanding grow

Just watching out for my wallet and holding on to my passport requires a lot of my attention

Observing all the litter and their infinite dirty faces will surely raise my own level of enlightenment

I will adjust to their pace of living and kick back, yet diligently keep to my hard and fast schedule

My fellow travelers and I will share tips on hostels, tours, food and bars – all created just for us

Finding and successfully using an ATM will become an exotic adventure that I will always remember

And I will experience their culture just like I do their food – only in places made safe for such as us

I will learn to ignore the endless stream of trinket sellers and beggars with a soulful equanimity

I’ll be wearing local bracelets, tying my hair back in skinny dreds and not shaving, most of the time

I will try to keep repeating Om Mani Padme Hum as I squat forlorn and sick over a squalid asian toilet

I will learn patience waiting for the moment when none of the 1000 other tourists are in my picture

And all that you have learned is but empty noise to them

The world that your father knew disappeared so long ago

Why, the world that you grew up in is now their ancient history

Things you found important are just no longer relevant

Movements that you’ve never heard of create the news today

The future you always awaited now bobs in your fading wake

Glancing into your eyes, all they see is some boring past

Your endless possibilities have quite slowly merged

Today it’s you just sitting quietly, watching their kids now

The latest calls to action are not intended for your ears

Your once unlimited time now reveals a distinct horizon

Presently it hurts just getting up, even after sleeping well

And all that you have learned is but empty noise to them

Your treasured possessions are not even fit to be donations

They’ve never heard of historic events that you witnessed on TV

The work you toiled so long upon is no longer done

Their kids don’t understand any of the stories from your youth

The ideas that molded you are no longer circulating

Your youthful ideals were scuttled quite long ago

Your search for meaning was halted due to falling darkness

Your HappyEverAfter was postponed until further notice

You are the ones now, who are older than dirt

The world as you explain it now turns only in your mind

Your acquired wisdom just makes them smile to each other

Your once cutting edge is now quaint and outdated

Your volunteer labor is not even worth the minimum wage

Now it’s you who they’re making fun of in edgy hipster skits

But you’re keeping real busy just looking for your glasses

And nice people often call you about things that you should buy

They ask who it could be when they see you in those old pictures

Now it’s you waving goodbye as they drive away

You’ve put down your load and become an awkward burden

You’re ready to enjoy life but you’re worn-out, confused and broke

But, Hey: You even try to walk a little, almost every day

It’s they who remember you’re telling that same story once again

And the sun really is too bright for your golden years

First in line, you’re next to go and you’ve already been cast off

I Got Like A Minute Old Guy

Tho I hardly can hear you for the roar of our present, I see you gesture, are you calling my name?

Certainly you might have something to say, so what can you tell me, I’ve got like a minute today

Surely after all of your time, a wisdom remains, or is it just creaking bones and memories that fade

God knows I never dreamed that I should even listen but now I might have learned just enough to ask

What can you tell me I could carry off a bit better than say, a couple handfuls of dripping water

Is the only real difference between us the short times left before we both have departed for good?

Surely there’s more to your life than medications, dietary restrictions and lost forget-me-not lists

So what keeps you going now, day after day? Did you at last distill some wisdom from out of this blur

Now that you finally escaped from the ratrace, please tell me – What is it that I am still working for?

And, have you at last had time to actually determine whether, in fact, you are coming or going

I thought I should ask you, cause sometimes I’ve actually considered that it all may simply be futile

For the older I get the faster my employers write off my little, but wasted, economic usefulness

What do you say - are there still things I need to see, or do you spend all of your time safe in the past

I know it may take a while but please try to get back to me before your kids warehouse you for good

Did you take anything from those who came before you or should I ignore you too, exactly the same

Wait, I think you might have been saying something but with all of our noise, I could not quite copy

Likely you’ve developed some reasonable conclusion regarding your onrushing eternal disappearance

Tell me of the great lessons you take from all of the nonsense pounded ceaselessly into your head

Never needed your advice on living but perhaps you can give me your take on preparing for departure

Wait, let me lean close, for your voice has grown faint, yet it looks as if your lips may still be moving