Hooray For That NSA!

The Glomar Response: A government agency's express refusal to confirm or deny having any information on a subject

Yup, they’re out there - sipping from their most giant data firehose, just looking for stuff like this:

‘I’m hoping ta join an al-qaeda sleeper cell, can somebody help me find one in my home town?’

Now then, if I searched for ‘neked pitchersa little boys’, they’ll be trolling for that as well

See, theyre trainin computers to sniff out terrorists and perverts like dogs sniff out drugs and bombs

Don’t be following @alqaeda on twitter or your updated score will draw a live spook’s attention

But no worries, they aint stealing your credit card information, even though now they could

For they’ve found a way to break that good old uncrackable RSA - Oh Hooray, Hooray!

Closeted heroes all named Joe who the NSA routinely denies - their duty is to secretly keep us safe

Why, they’ve even figured out how to get onto your smart TV and can sniff inside yer iPhone as well

But you got to remember it’s all and only in the greater ineresta-nachinal security, so you just relax

Just don’t be looking up like ‘bomb making materials’ or ‘buying a US passport’ or stuff like that

And they’ve figured out how to decode misspellings and illiteracy better than with that shoe bomber

Incubating whatever yottabytes of personal, private data that’s 99.99% useless - Out there in Utah

Packet-groping you at all the major data centers 24x7x365, they filter-feed on our precious freedoms

Nobly working out algorithms to separate white rice recipes from deadly ricin nerve gas formulas

Probably even able to differentiate libertarian sarcasm from the plots of poisoned true believers 

They got smart guys with phDs in like Steganography dissectin images of panties for sharia fatwas

They can detect upticks in terrorist chatter with the fully correlated precision of scientific statistics

And these days they’ll find out if you’re looking into fertilizer, diesel fuel and renting a truck

They’re connecting the dots all over the world, hoping to see the big picture to save our way of life

So I’m not doing online research about weaponizing bird flu or on how much security there is at dams

Dont want to get on a watchlist and have my calls sent straight to the NSA as a potential drone target

I can only hope my digital pocket litter don’t add up to enough to earn me a cyber-detective tail

But, who knows? Searching on gay marriage and Traditional Family Values may be suspicious as well

It costs us billions but their budget is also a secret, so you just better back offa that real quietlike

Just keep in mind that all their work is simply in the interesta ensurin our own common good

You stay away from them web honeypots they fill with helpful hints about pressure cooker bombs

Look, don’t ask any questions at all cause that evokes “The Glomar Response” - and closer scrutiny

Simply accept that to preserve our liberty they gotta tap your innermost privacy in absolute secrecy

And like they keep telling us, if you done nothing, you got nothing to fear, And…it wont hurt a bit

Seriously, you will do your part by just letting them do theirs, you know, like you do at the airport

Their people are anonymous, their methods are secret, their results are classified and that’s how it is

They spurn the cops, they’re outside the military, they don’t talk to the FBI, but you must trust them

They’re not after your mother, they wont hurt your kids, so you can relax and keep sexting your wife

But you can be quite sure: They possibly have foiled nearly countless deadly and hypothetical attacks

They could brick your laptop anytime if necessary, so just you stay real quiet, a bit right of center

Faking Political Correctness

I finally heard, and sometimes even heed, an inner voice saying that its a good time to just shut up

But really, I’m only acting nice, trying to avoid the guilt and shame that follows useless confrontation

So, don’t mistake my thoughtful silence for quiet acceptance – actually, I’m just being kind to myself

And as I nod while you speak, please understand it only means I hear you: Definitely not that I concur

You must realize that I have learned if I can’t say something agreeable, I will say something trivial

In fact, be quite sure that I’m just as likely silently and sarcastically damning you as supporting you

And if I quietly change the subject to something neutral, it’s only to avert a useless, angry escalation

Fact is, I’m simply being nice to avoid being sullied by wasting my own foolish adrenaline on nothing

Be advised I am not really nice, I am not very friendly and I often find your canned opinions repulsive

But I am striving to remain non-confrontational, just trying to avoid any angry but worthless flare-ups

I just want to remain nice and soft, like cottage cheese or tepid oatmeal, at least in your opinion

Please note that, really, I wouldn’t mind confronting you in my very harshest loud and angry tones

So, yeah, I’m being nice with unruffled feathers, staying all like politically correct instead of cursing

Offering what I hope appears as neutral silence rather than pointedly telling you exactly what I think

But even though now you know, dont you dare to confront me or we’ll brand you as a nonteam player

Let’s get thru our mandatory interactions without overt anger and I’ll happily part, without any guilt

I will be most falsely-courteous and faux-friendly to you during our forced face time at big meetings

Since I’ve seen the power of being politely passively-aggressive I’ll only denounce you covertly

I just want for you to believe that I am being nice so we can avoid any friction on all the real issues

Slipping, I’ll apologize for misspeaking or say that I was misunderstood: But not sorry for what I said

Trust me, I chafe under all this enforced politeness for it forces me to swallow my own vile hypocrisy

Still, it beats being soaked in bitter and guilty recrimination for many days after each confrontation

And I’m also being nice to avoid the real concealed weapons of all the personal liberty zealots I cross

Don’t want to take a bullet from a road-raged freedom lover goaded on by his far-too-personal savior

I’m being nice to keep my blood pressure down and my criminal record clean - Not to appease you

No need to worry, though, cause I’m no back-biting, tattletale puke ready to stab you in the back But dont even be surprised when decisions made privately on big projects deny your empty blustering

Yet hopefully you find out later I detested you and your little friends but for now: See my fake smile

I'm absolutely not preaching violence but being nice doesn’t mean I support your silly, vain agenda

I’m not being nice to win your friendship, trust or co-operation: It’s for my own selfish peace of mind

I also know it does no good to call you out to your politically correct, simply rule-enforcing manager

So, don’t you think I am smiling with you cause I’m really chuckling at your loud and ignorant pride

Been thru too many embarrassing after-situations and humiliating post-confrontations to speak up

It’s not worth it to act out for 5 minutes when the guilty payback lasts 5 weeks and nothing changes

But, observing your latest outburst, I derive a real satisfaction knowing it was not me this time

So though your foolish bullshit spoils any teamwork, I wont lose any sleep - Because I am Being Nice