A Far Left Elitist Confesses

Oliver:”Hello, my alias is ‘Jarred‘ and I am an elitist and I need to share our secret agenda with you.” Group: “Hello, Jarred”

We will force you from your pickups and SUVs into costly, cramped, dangerous and sexless electrics

Our agenda includes confiscating and recycling all of your firearms as we increase our own stockpiles

We demand you surrender our overblown national sovereignty to that socialist UN New World Order

You must enjoy scraggly overpriced organic kale instead of tortured doublemeat baconcheeseburgers

Our government simply must spend trillions for global warming even if we aren’t really sure it exists

We’ll smother your ignorant and loud free speech beneath our wet blanket of political correctness

Your individual contributions shall be brutally downplayed given our focus upon group cohesiveness

Doctors must submit lists of the excess elderly for review by our obamacare death panel bureaucrats

FOX News will be shut down and be replaced by our taxpayer-funded, socialist public-broadcasting

Our stated aims will over-regulate this fair country into bankruptcy, depression and universal poverty

Our mantra is “Tax And Spend by Taking from the rich to waste on the bureaucracy of the poor…”

Everyone must be forced not only to recycle everything but to pay thru the nose for the intrusion

We intend to further cripple the military, leaving us open to terrorist attack and foreign domination

We will replace worship of those in NFL tights with an elitist need for french cyclists, also in spandex

Your home thermostats and vehicle accelerators shall be controlled by bureaucrats in Washington

Property rights will be trampled under the rubric of saving a few filthy rodents and drab, tiny birds

Gas taxes are to be quadrupled and domestic drilling shall be completely ended as soon as possible

The government will choose winning green energy companies to give huge and condition-less grants

We will transform the world such that it appears as if all citizens were handicapped in every fashion

There will be a national LGBT holiday for those vast new hordes of government workers on the dole

Instead of overbearing cosmetized talking heads shouting we shall fund only boring reasoned debates

Your lovely manicured, green lawns must wither to save water and to halt your poisoned yard runoff

Bureaucrats will determine when and how many children you are allowed to bear and abort the rest

Ranchers may only watch as cattle are killed by wolves and bears on newly confiscated gov’t lands

We intend to nationalize all golf courses and turn them into brown, unmotorized bird sanctuaries

You will report for exercise every morning before work or pay a stiff fine to be used for obamacare

Under our regime, broccoli and tofu will replace burgers and fries and people must say they like it

Work shall no longer be viewed as a key element in helping our population form positive self-images

Our secular-socialist welfare state will promise an ever-increasing stream of entitlements - For votes

Businesses will be bankrupted when we bind the federal minimum wage to the cost of living index

The poor will be paid by the government to reject undignified and/or unsatisfying job opportunities

Unemployment will be seamlessly joined to disability & then to social security for those not working

Snowmobiles, jetskis, dirtbikes, ATVs, speedboats and Harleys will taxed out of existence, ASAP

We fully intend to grant amnesty & welfare to illegal aliens as well as welcoming their entire families

New limits on noise pollution shall be strictly enforced by our Neighborhood Citizen Committees

Your trash will be taxed by weight and black ribbons will identify wasteful consumer homes to all

Bubba And The Beneficent Rain

There’s more mercy in a single raindrop than in all the empty sacraments any priests have ever given

But we merely see it as a nuisance that messes up our office blowdry and our new costume clothing

For, you see, the anonymous mercy of the falling rain might just spoil our venal little workaday plans

And all the unearned redemption that it brings isn’t counted among our vast and divine entitlements

We are simply unable to enjoy the security of quietly listening to gentle night rains upon our roof

No, the contentment of an all day soaking as felt by the grateful rice farmer is foreign to our lives

The beneficence of showers does not soothe those rushing about upon stressedout commuter errands

We are so very far from grasping the gratitude with which others greet the start of their monsoon

There is no connection between our 24x7 eLives and the weather, save its occasional inconvenience

The unearned grace of beneficent rains flows off our backs like the dirty-dishwater ducks that we are

Meanwhile all the poisons we so casually discard soak the earth about us in equal parts per million

But, of course, no one should worry about a dirty rain in these persistent times of economic hardship

The simple rain that bathes the soil and fills our streams is simply not on our viral hipster radar

That earthy smell off a drying field cannot move us in the fashion of one of our own merry tweets

The dirty runoff from foul alleys and sidewalks certainly does not merit our over-allocated attention

Rain just gets my car all dirty and forces me to run, unnaturally, all the way in from the parking lot

And Bubba Sez:

That whatever hydrologic cycle can’t effect me cause I drink all my water outta throwaway plastic

Hearin about droughts and shit batween country songs, I’m glad that stuff’s got nethin to do with me

At least, when it rains I don’t gotta do yardwork, so yeah, actually I guess I am like sorta grateful

But we aint doin no pagan celebrations or satanic shit like that just cause god let down a little rain

I mean look at all the mud and that filthy runoff - better bring the kids right on inside, mother

Don’t want them runnin around wet without they shirts, laughing and shinin like some kinda hindis

Oh, my god, Timmy, don’t you swalla them filthy raindrops, I already told you they’re bad for ya

Now look at ya, you’re all wet and dirty just cause you ain’t got the sense to get in out the rain

So why should we celebrate the rain that washes the stuff that caused my skin lesions into this ocean

Don’t think the fish are celebratin the oxygen-sucking algal bloom our rain-carried fertilizers create

We don’t wanna go dirtbikin if its rainin and we caint even have a barbecue picnic and drink our beer

Look, we came ta this here naturel paradise fer a well-deserved vacation so, by god it better not rain

I Keep Doing These Stupid Things

I might glance, but you cannot force me to see

I may hear, but I don’t actually have to listen

I considered, but I am certainly not about to heed

I can continue talking - and keep saying nothing

I struggle on, though I still refuse to fight

I laugh, but it’s just part of the soundtrack

I smile though clearly, I am no friend of yours

I am massively defended, yet I do not feel safe

I have hurt you, but I do not feel your pain

I cry, but all my tears come out very dry

I sleep, only to awaken tired once again

I stop, yet time always keeps on going

I ask, but I reject any and all of your answers

I plead, but the one true judge remains mute

I suffer, yet there can be no redemption

I was spared, but it was only a random mercy

I was injured and I cannot ever heal

I struggle, but there is simply no escape

I gain, but enjoy only the briefest satisfaction

I learned much but did not build any wisdom

I gorge, but am simply unable to be satisfied

I drink too much, though sadly cannot stay drunk

I study the koran diligently, but in a foreign tongue

I lose, yet I cannot ever retain the lesson

I keep on buying though I have no real needs

I spend so much, but such are not investments

I tithe generously, but truly know no charity

I lay here quite still, yet I am not at peace

I whisper, but still it seems far too loud to me

I dig, but it is just my own shallow grave

I swallow, though it’s only more bitter pride

I leave and head off again to nowhere

I work hard, but still my debt increases

I always diet but never keep the weight off

I see much that I must leave to others to explain

I willfully ignore, and simply take refuge in my prayers