Win Bigly With Us

Believe Me..

I’ll more easily slip the tough questions with soundbites and offer up fewer specifics on real problems

I bet I would convince more boys to blow themselves up to go to heaven as I remain alive, by His will

Sure, I could beat widely distributing a nutrition-free, melamine-laced chalk mixture as baby formula

Hey, I would double bar those factory fire doors so them lazy bastards couldn't sneak out for breaks

Of course I’d hire better lawyers so I could make more money than they did selling poisoned tobacco

I’d cancel more benefits in bankruptcy but my own golden parachute would remain forever inviolate

Absolutely, we’d focus harder on fighting cleanup costs than controlling our environmental impact

I’d never mention once the 500,000 collateral dead in my preemptively-defensive war of liberation

I’d get richer pimping a fictional eternal heaven I sell them for their promise of the souls I invented

I would better over-estimate savings and hide the true costs of my donor’s legislative initiatives

I can waltz right by my poverty-stricken brothers faster than you do, without even noticing at all

I’ll commit more surplus lives, not worth as much as my own family’s, to futures without healthcare

I’ll more pointedly ignore our mass extinction and demand Traditional Family Values™ even louder
You just watch me read canned speeches more stirringly, more to my poll benefit, after tragic events

I am quicker to justify throwing acid in any wife’s face if she offends Allah or my side of the family

I can hold up the EPA as the most wasteful of freedom-stealing jobkillers better than any of my rivals

I can demand more of their deaths should they defile our holy book with improper storage or disposal

Watch me sell parents on sacrificing children to my blind vanity more slickly than the last demagogue

For a bonus, I’ll shed workers and renege on their benefits far faster than other furtive execu-clones

I know I could kill more unbelievers via divine justice than the puny numbers they still boast about

I could find even more efficient, certainly less humane, ways to put good red meat on family tables

I would more proficiently solve the Geriatric Problem in order to save working folks some real money

My encouragement of proudly ignorant subjects to have lots of kids will have more divine backing

I’ll make outsourcing design, production and support for huge bonuses appear to be twice as patriotic

I could siphon off an even larger percentage of foreign aid to myself and my corrupt and evil cronies

I would further unfetter the free market to solve overblown issues like mining and industrial wastes

To promote peace, I would permit the sale of shock & awe weapons to any dictatorship supporting us

We would set up self-immolation stations so more terrorists can safely make a fiery last statement

I’ll cast secret spying on our citizens in a light that will make them beg to give up their privacy

I’d have them sofa-cheering louder for debt-financed, costly and immaterial, bipartisan compromises

Under me, they’ll poll even higher on environmental issues while singing ‘Drill Baby Drill’ ever louder

I promise to repeat, omit and distort better so they’ll believe they’re an exceptional, chosen people

I’ll really show what compassionate conservatism is all about even if the sinners dont know lord jesus

We’ll float even more ludicrous but temping quick fixes to problems nobody really wants to tackle

I’ll sell more lost girls into prostitution and little boys into drug-induced slaughter than my enemies

My donor’s lying, writer whores will make my opponent seem even more comically pathetic than me