Oliver:”Hello,
my alias is ‘Jarred‘ and I am an elitist and I need to share our
secret agenda with you.” Group: “Hello, Jarred”
We
will force you from your pickups and SUVs into costly, cramped,
dangerous and sexless electrics
Our
agenda includes confiscating and recycling all of your
firearms as we increase our own stockpiles
We
demand you surrender our overblown national sovereignty to that
socialist UN New World Order
You
must enjoy scraggly overpriced organic kale instead of
tortured doublemeat baconcheeseburgers
Our
government simply must spend trillions for global warming even if we
aren’t really sure it exists
We’ll
smother your ignorant and loud free speech beneath our wet blanket of
political correctness
Your
individual contributions shall be brutally downplayed given our focus
upon group cohesiveness
Doctors
must submit lists of the excess elderly for review by our obamacare
death panel bureaucrats
FOX
News will be shut down and be replaced by our taxpayer-funded,
socialist public-broadcasting
Our
stated aims will over-regulate this fair country into bankruptcy,
depression and universal poverty
Our
mantra is “Tax And Spend by Taking from the rich to waste on the
bureaucracy of the poor…”
Everyone
must be forced not only to recycle everything but to pay thru
the nose for the intrusion
We
intend to further cripple the military, leaving us open to terrorist
attack and foreign domination
We
will replace worship of those in NFL tights with an elitist need for
french cyclists, also in spandex
Your
home thermostats and vehicle accelerators shall be controlled by
bureaucrats in Washington
Property
rights will be trampled under the rubric of saving a few filthy
rodents and drab, tiny birds
Gas
taxes are to be quadrupled and domestic drilling shall be completely
ended as soon as possible
The
government will choose winning green energy companies to give huge
and condition-less grants
We
will transform the world such that it appears as if all
citizens were handicapped in every fashion
There
will be a national LGBT holiday for those vast new hordes of
government workers on the dole
Instead
of overbearing cosmetized talking heads shouting we shall fund only
boring reasoned debates
Your
lovely manicured, green lawns must wither to save water and to halt
your poisoned yard runoff
Bureaucrats
will determine when and how many children you are allowed to bear and
abort the rest
Ranchers
may only watch as cattle are killed by wolves and bears on newly
confiscated gov’t lands
We
intend to nationalize all golf courses and turn them into brown,
unmotorized bird sanctuaries
You
will report for exercise every morning before work or pay a stiff
fine to be used for obamacare
Under
our regime, broccoli and tofu will replace burgers and fries and
people must say they like it
Work
shall no longer be viewed as a key element in helping our population
form positive self-images
Our
secular-socialist welfare state will promise an ever-increasing
stream of entitlements - For votes
Businesses
will be bankrupted when we bind the federal minimum wage to the cost
of living index
The
poor will be paid by the government to reject undignified and/or
unsatisfying job opportunities
Unemployment
will be seamlessly joined to disability & then to social security
for those not working
Snowmobiles,
jetskis, dirtbikes, ATVs, speedboats and Harleys will taxed out of
existence, ASAP
We
fully intend to grant amnesty & welfare to illegal aliens as well
as welcoming their entire families
New
limits on noise pollution shall be strictly enforced by our
Neighborhood Citizen Committees
Your
trash will be taxed by weight and black ribbons will identify
wasteful consumer homes to all
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